Unquiet
Things

Just kidding. There will never be a new black! This is evidenced by the 666 (approx.) black tee shirts we have in our wardrobe. Leather harnesses, tulle skirts, and velvet cloaks look marvelous and are great fun for a night out (or hell, grocery shopping or a trip to the post office if you like to give the normies a show) but let’s face it–at the end of the day we just want to be comfortable. And there is nothing, I mean nothing, more comfortable than a black tee shirt. Yes, black tee shirts are more cozy. There’s science to back that up, somewhere.

We also know that we, and no doubt you, too, need to give our pile of ratty old black tees a thorough going-through because man, that shit’s old and nasty. Pilled, worn threadbare, curry-stained and eternally covered with cat fur—mein Gott, we’re gross.

Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, but give it some thought: these loyal wardrobe staples have given you their all and it’s time to let them die with dignity. Gather them up into the charity pile. Or cut ’em up and use ’em for crafts or home improvement projects or light bondage with a consensual partner (make sure they’re your tees on this last point; tossing out someone else’s stuff is likely not to result in sexytimes.)

…wait, wait! Put that middle finger away. You don’t think we’d make you go through such an agonizing exercise without some recommendations as to replacements for your beloved black scraps of comfort, do you? See below for some wicked black tee suggestions that are anything but basic.

Dead Inside Muscle Tee

Cozy coffin times with the “Dead Inside” muscle tee. FOXBLOOD // $39

Feminism Means Equality Tee

The Feminism Means Equality tee: shit yeah it does, motherfuckers. CatCoven // $25

Strange Women Society Tee

Proudly display what everyone already knew anyway in the Secret Society Tee. Strange Women Society // $28.50

The Upside Down Tee

The Upside Down Stranger Things tee–because we are probably going to be obsessed with Stranger Things until we die. WoeAndShucks // $24 

Too Ghoul For School Tee

Too Ghoul For School? Yeah, we learned all our creepin’ in the streets. Local Boogeyman // $36 

Support Your Local Coven Tee

The Support Your Local Coven tee; hexes and charms sold separately. Babe Coven // $28 

In Bed Tee

The In Bed tee–you’re not the boss of me! But okay maybe. Burger And Friends // $18

Tales From The Crypt Tee

Crypt Keeper Couture (except you’re way cuter than the Crypt Keeper). Libra Style // $27.31

Satan Is A Lady Cropped Tee

Satan loves bare navels, people. Better give her what she wants. These Americans // $35.

(This article was originally posted at Dirge; the site is no longer active.)