Archive of ‘ten things’ category

Ten Things I Know By Flannery Grace Good

TEN THINGS 8

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

OH MAN. I don’t even know how to begin with all of my feelings about my friend Flannery Grace Good. She’s kind. She’s funny. She’s a wickedly clever observer of human nonsense. She’s an incredibly talented jeweler who has created some of the most extraordinarily breath-taking things I have ever seen, and she’s also crafted small, sweet treasures for some of my favorite humans–sometimes on a pretty tight schedule, too (because I wait until the last minute to float an idea by her, whoops.) But my friend Flan gets shit done! And she has always come through for me. She’s truly one of the most amazing people I know, and one day I am going to show up on her doorstep and say Hi! I’m your surprise guest for the weekend! And we are going to have a fabulous time because she’d be super into it.
One day, Flan!

Flannery is joining us for our Ten Things installment at Unquiet Things this month, and I am so pleased. Thank you for the time, energy, and vulnerability you shared in the writing of these practical insights and wisdom snippets, Flannery. Thank you for always so being incomparably wonderful. Thank you for being my friend.

TEN THINGS 10

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

When Sarah asked me if I would like to contribute to her blog, I didn’t hesitate to say yes! I love and admire her, and felt honored that she thought of me. “Any ten things, I can do this” and I decided “Ten Things I Know” should be easy peasy, despite my fear of writing.

This was not easy for me. The irony of being named after a writer, while struggling with from the heart communication, is pretty funny. My art is the only thing I can speak of with confidence, I consider it my official language, and everything else gets stuffed way down. I’ve been working for myself for 23 years, so my perspective is deep into self-employed weirdo artist territory. This was scary, and helpful to me. I know it’s not perfect, and I sit with the feeling that everyone is going to laugh at me, but that’s a lot like being an artist, fraught with uncertainty. It’s worth it. Thank you, Sarah.

1. Anything Can Be Learned

If you want it, you can do it. I was not a natural when I started making jewelry. My uncle Bubba (who taught me) called me “opposite girl,” because all of my instincts were exactly wrong. I ruined everything I made but I kept going. I wanted it, and put in hours and miles of work. Of course there are people with innate talent, or prodigies, but that is not every successful person. I truly believe that dedication, desire, work, and willingness to fail are all that is needed to do anything. If something truly sparks your interest, follow it.

Growing up in Arkansas, I didn’t have much in the way of art offered in school. I was so bored. In high school, my best subject was French, but I was totally uninspired. My first semester of college, my grades spelled out B-I-F-F. No kidding. The B would have been an A if it weren’t for me skipping so many classes, Advanced French Conversation. After that pathetic performance, I was not in college anymore and got a full-time job at a popular store. This was the mid-90s, so of course, I was making macrame hemp necklaces with fimo yin yangs! They were a hit, and I was able to sell them. That led me to ask my uncle for the millionth time to teach me metalsmithing. He agreed, and in the summer of 1996, I went to his house in Taos, New Mexico, to learn. I will never forget the look on his face when I actually showed up. My first lesson was “don’t touch my stuff, just watch” and that lasted about a month. On the 4th of July, under a sage-scented, firecracker filled sky, I made my first piece. It sucked. Something clicked inside me though, and I have never looked back.

After our summer together, I tried and failed on my own for about a year. Then, I went back to college. I graduated summa cum laude in 3 years, I made straight As. That is what passion will do, and that spark sustains me still. I ruin things all the time, even after 23 years. Bubba says of soldering, “if the wind’s blowin’ out of the south southeast? Forget about it.”

A willingness to fail is necessary, and for me, it is the hardest part, but I have quit having tantrums when I ruin something– it wastes time. I feel so lucky to have found this, and I promise that you can do what you dream of. Just start, and keep going.

TEN THINGS 1

Photo credit: Meredith Mashburn

2. Time Is Our Most Precious Commodity

We’ve all had the experience of standing in an endless line, and there’s that one person huffing and puffing about it. That person is a turd, and one of my biggest pet peeves. As if their time is somehow more important than everyone else’s. When I trade with others, which I do often (it’s a great way to build a collection without money!), I prefer to trade on an hour for hour basis. When someone gives you their time, treasure it, because it is actual treasure.

If you are “that person” in line, think again, it’s unbecoming.

I loathe the term self-care, however, I do advocate taking time for yourself. Give yourself 20 minutes to start, whether that be meditation, a walk, a bath, exercise, dancing, whatever you enjoy, do that. Integrating this into your daily life will improve your quality of life, and you may find that it gives you more time! Being calm and centered makes everything easier. There’s no such thing as being too busy to give yourself 20 minutes, I’ve tried that lie on myself many times, and sometimes I still don that bullshit robe for ego’s sake, but then after a few days I go for a walk or go swimming and realize I was just being full of it. You’re worth it.

TEN THINGS 4

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

3. The Frequency And Content Of A Person’s Social Media Posts Has Nothing To Do With Their Real Life

This one is the hardest for me to write, and I am on the verge of tears and unhealthy coping mechanisms just thinking about it, but I want to help so here goes. You are not alone. In 2017, I made a show about loss. Because I cannot speak or write about my experiences, I transformed them into my best work. I dug into my guts and hung them on the wall of my alma mater, Western State Colorado University. I gave a 30-minute speech to a large audience. It was both excruciating and incredibly cathartic.

What does this have to do with social media? Well, from December 2010 through April 2012, my life was Hell. I call that time Hell Year, and it almost killed me. I was always scrolling and posting on Facebook like everything was normal and fine. A selfie, some videos, a funny joke, look what I can do! When inside I was barely hanging on, and outside I was tempting fate because I did not value my life. I’ve never admitted that before…(at this point I had to take a break in writing, and I apologized to myself and let some tears fall). Finding my dog Mesa, tattered and on the verge of death herself, and then reuniting with my now husband (we met when I was slinging those sweet hemp necklaces!), saved my life. Love saved me. Please, hang on. Don’t make assumptions based on what you see on social media. I am forever changed post-Hell Year, and I still have a long road ahead toward loving myself, but I am so glad to be here and moving toward that goal. I am so grateful that I made it, and I see you struggling. Be you ahead, beside, or behind me–I offer you my hand.

TEN THINGS 5

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

4. Devastation Is Relative

A dark time is serious business and nothing to dismiss. There’s always someone, somewhere, who has it much worse, but that does not diminish the validity of your/a loved one’s experience. Read that again. I am writing this on behalf of everyone paralyzed by pain, never, ever say the following: “it could be worse” “look on the bright side” “have you tried ___?” “I can’t believe you’re so upset about ___” “think positive.” These things are dismissive, lazy, and downright dangerous to say. If someone you love is hurting, love them. Feed them. Give them your time. Listen, if they feel like talking. Check in regularly with no expectations.

Post Hell Year, I lost a lot of friends, because I wasn’t any fun anymore. My friend Molly got it, and so I would answer her phone calls. She let me be a bitch and has never led me to believe that it almost cost me her friendship.

*cheery voice*: “Hey Flan how’s it going?”
*total dick voice*: “…how the fuck do you think it’s going?”

Repeat that scenario every phone call for a couple years. I need to thank her for that, and I will as soon as I finish writing these. This entry segues pretty well into the next:

TEN THINGS 3

Photo credit: Meredith Mashburn

5. Old Sayings Are Old Sayings Because They’re True

Such as: you really will find out who your friends are when times are tough. Before you go too far into a situation, ask yourself, “are there proverbs written about this?” If so, and they advise against you: reconsider. I am specifically referring to what you make available for public consumption, and behaviors you subject your loved ones to. You never know who you might alienate, and restraint is power. I speak from experience. I have made my share of poor choices, against the wise advice of my family and friends, thinking I know better or that the rules don’t apply to me. I have been humbled, and this is why I am very careful with what I post online. The internet does not get access to my personal life. I am opinionated, and my family and I have weathered extreme devastation, but I will never allow something I post to sully my reputation, or be lapped up by those who might revel in my suffering. Screenshots are forever.

TEN THINGS 7

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

6. See The Funny

I took some classes at Berkeley Psychic Institute and one of the first things they teach is “amusement is the highest vibration”. I can’t possibly describe the surreal environment that is “psychic kindergarten” (BPI term) but I have held on to this lesson and I really believe it. If you know me, you’re probably like “wut” about me using the term “highest vibration” and are Googling “Berkeley Psychic Institute” right now. But the point is that when you are in mirth, even compared to the most devout reverence, you are open, and full of joy. My husband makes me laugh all day every day, and sometimes I get him pretty good too. It’s so important.

Find things that make you laugh, cultivate jokes with your friends, don’t be afraid to laugh at the absurd parts of your darkest moments. Because being able to laugh in the worst times can save you.

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Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

7. Networking, Collecting, And Supporting Are Important

I have an incredible art and jewelry collection. Most of it is by living artists I have connected with online. I am not a wealthy person. I live in the Midwest where it’s cheap, and I will never go back to living somewhere that requires my level of hustle just to pay the bills (sorry, California. P.S. I want my money back). By living in a place I can afford, I am able to invest so much more into materials, and support artists I admire, including other jewelers.

I believe that there is room for everyone at the top. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even though that sometimes burns. The art world is brutal, and I am not trying to sugar coat that, but the good outweighs the bad. I know the temptation to be a lone wolf is powerful, I have felt it. Wanting to keep all “my” customers to myself, wanting to call out a copycat, wanting to leave other jewelers out of my veneration, you name it. I am not immune to the darker sides of human nature or the realities of competition. However, you can’t do that stuff and truly succeed. Hate, jealousy, and exclusion will bind you. Fellowship and networking opens doors and creates lasting bonds and friendships. If someone comes to me and wants something that I happen to know is another jeweler’s specialty? I will put those people in touch. If someone starts making jewelry and has questions? I have gone as far as to spend hours giving every bit of advice and assistance I can, at no charge. I share everything that moves me. I buy everything I can. I love my friends and community, and am happy for their successes.

TEN THINGS 6

Photo credit: Jessica Joslin

8. Be You

There is so much pressure in life to be a certain way. Especially for women, and especially if you are trying to make a living in art. I know I am selling myself as much as my jewelry. I am an introvert with no persona to speak of. I don’t look cool, I don’t wear makeup, my hair is plain, and I do not discuss my personal life online. I am not on-brand in any way, because I have no brand. I put my time into my work. I like silly animal videos and juvenile humor, and share those things with reckless abandon. It works for me. I make people laugh. I give my time and my money to those in need whenever I can. I am there for my friends and family. I put my spirit into my work. As a result, people want to be like me, not look like me, and that is a true legacy I’m proud of.

Ten Things more

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

9. Nature Is Magic

When I was little, my mama taught me that Nature is God (for lack of a better word). “Flanny, did you know that some people never even see the moon?” that question broke my child-heart, and the realization haunts me still. Throughout my life I have cultivated and nurtured a relationship with the natural world, and it is one of my best assets as well as an incredible teacher. Yes, I know what kind of feather that is; yes, I know when the moon is new or full; yes, I have been pulled outside because I felt a rainbow coming; yes, I have wild animal friends, and we talk.

Anyone can receive priceless gifts from nature. Go out into it, regularly. Visit the same place in all seasons and get to know it. I believe that a person has not truly experienced love until they have loved an animal, or nature, and frankly I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t. Nature is a portal to other realms, too. I have seen things that defy explanation, which have led me deeper into my appreciation and relationship with the supernatural, and increased my intuition. I am an only child, born on the Day of the Dead, and grew up in a haunted house, so my baseline was already substantial in that regard. Being in tune with nature is something that can be practiced, and I promise that observing and being in the moment can reap powerful, inspiring rewards.

ten things last

Photo credit: Flannery Grace Good

10. I Don’t Know

I am not religious, because I do not think humans are capable of explaining life, and people seem to do crazy, horrible things in the name of their god. I’m OK with the question mark. It leaves room for magic. Feeling hopeless about the state of humanity is paralyzing, and yet the only option is to keep going. Focusing on the amazing things people do, helps. I am so inspired by beauty, compassion, bravery, ingenuity, and skill. I am also humbled by our insignificance, and calmed by it. I forgive myself for forgetting. I believe in the beyond. That belief does not require dogma, a title, or anyone besides me. I spent a year volunteering in a children’s hospital. Those kids, they have something that leaves most of us as we age. They have a light that is not diminished by sickness or death. They remember. They know.

Find Flannery Grace Good: Website // Instagram // Facebook

Ten Things I Tell Myself to Make Life Worth Living by Ariel of Carpe That Diem

I first met Ariel on a strange and stressful day during a very strange and stressful chapter of my life. It was on an afternoon spent surrounded by strangers, talking about potentially uncomfortable things, and though we were brought together for a common purpose and it was in fact, a gathering which I myself had initiated and facilitated, I very much did not want to be there. I am not sure if Ariel picked up on that at the time, but as we’ve come to know one another during the course of our friendship, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are one of the few people who just gets it. And is okay with it. And doesn’t judge me or think less of me for being a weird, squirrelly hermit.

Whether we meet up for scintillating discourse on matters of mortality, or deliciously unhinged Gothic cinema; were we to spend an emotional hour together discussing a local tragedy and its personal implications or just run into each other on a busy street corner (yes, this has happened! and we don’t even live that close to each other!) I always know I will come away astounded by Ariel’s brilliant insights, awestruck at their tremendous sagacity and, of course enthralled by their incisive wit–and I am astonished, to be frank, that this incredible human,  this one-of-a-kind (in the truest, purest sense) person actually wants anything at all to do with me! But …they do? This makes me indescribably happy and fills me with the sort of delirious, demented joy that I’m pretty sure only other lonely weirdos understand fully. And though we don’t get together often, when we do, it calls t mind Doctor Who meme I sometimes see floating around on Facebook, the one that says “Spend Your Life Doing Strange Things With Weird People.” Except, well. It wasn’t weird enough.

I had to make a version for Ariel and I. Here you go! You’re welcome!

I am lucky to have met Ariel when I did, and that we grew to become friends, and I am beyond thrilled that they are this month’s Ten Things guest blogger. See below Ariel’s Ten Things I Tell Myself to Make Life Worth Living, and I will share with you the same thing I said to Ariel, that I am awestruck and utterly humbled that they would write any of this at my behest, and I feel so incredibly undeserving of what they’ve shared below. It is beautiful and difficult and wrenching and absolutely perfect.

 

Caspar David Friedrich’s ‘Woman Before Rising Sun’

Caspar David Friedrich’s ‘Woman Before Rising Sun’

1. It’s Okay to Delay

This is a mantra that I’m just learning. It is a challenge, and by no means am I proficient. And while on the surface this phrase seems to echo sentiments that it’s “never too late,” it means something a little bit differently to me.

There’s a popular rationalization for transness out there that implies that a trans person is X gender trapped in a Y-sexed body. Personally, that is not my trans narrative. I have perceived myself, however, as the hapless protagonist in a cosmic narrative of a Can-Doer trapped within a Do-Little. I am predictably-unpredictably hindered, hampered, prohibited and limited by disabling chronic illness.

I idealize the tenets of minimalism and idolize the gurus who promise that the key to a fulfilling and adventurous life is the process of simplifying day-to-day tasks and purging material objects. The irony is that I live a fairly consistently low-impact lifestyle. I don’t have much to “declutter.” I don’t have an overflowing calendar brimming with engagements. I don’t keep many obligations. I scarcely have anything to write in a to-do list or planner or place in a twee inbox.

When I do accumulate tasks, I embark on a journey of epic proportions to hit all the high notes. When the mania strikes, I start plotting. I scheme out several “appointments”.

And then I hit my nadir.

For me, fatigue, flares and malaise are byproducts of ambition. I quickly become sobered by the humiliation that I have to suspend my schedule. And then I feel ashamed for it.

But then I defer back to what I learned all along from my minimalist icons. I appreciate what has “sparked joy” within me in my accomplishments. I appreciate the effort of taking on days, weeks, even months’ worth of accumulation and pre-planning to achieve. I appreciate that a “rest period” is an opportunity to regenerate. If delaying means reveling in the highs and charting a new course, then it’s okay to delay.

To Write Love on Her Arms for World Suicide Prevention Day

“To Write Love on Her Arms,” for World Suicide Prevention Day

2. Tomorrow is Another Day

As someone who dissociates on the regular, time is an alien and abstract concept. Don’t get me wrong, I comprehend the science of the planetary rotations and the lunar cycle. I understand the guidance of the almanac and the shift of the seasons. I defer to the sacred obligations of my religious calendar.

But I’ll be frank. I don’t follow a Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday, etc. schedule. I divide my days by shifting between pajamas and civilian clothes, going outside for extended periods vs. remaining indoors indefinitely, or days when my partner is at work or at home. Sometimes the ‘pajama days’ are disproportionately longer than the ‘civvies days’. Sometimes my partner picks up extra shifts or flips his schedule around, and I’m sparked into spontaneity. As you can imagine, these units of measurement do not translate well to real-time deadlines.

Over the course of these ‘days’, I lose huge chunks of time to no recollection with nothing to show for it. And in the periods where I am cognizant of my presence, I’m often unable to project myself into ‘meaningful’ activity.

I still haven’t quite de-conditioned from the stress of a metered week. I used to live a very professional and organized life. I agonized under the weight of timed obligations. I grit my teeth and asked for extensions.

That’s not my life anymore. Maybe it will be again some day, but for the here-and-now, tomorrows might not necessarily be “tomorrow” in a traditional sense. It might be several days from the current day. But every “tomorrow” is a chance to center my presence in the present. It’s another opportunity to push through the fog and orient myself to the novelty of a new day’s offerings.

3. Yesterday is a Thing of the Past

This is really the same face of the Janus coin as the preceding truth. The pursuit of tomorrow means leaving yesterday in the past. This isn’t to say that the past is irrelevant. The past is a hard-packed foundation for progress. But no one can reach for the heavens if they’re wallowing in the dirt. (Disclaimer: this is by no means a diss on archaeologists.)

I have a hard time putting things down. I’m sure I could blame Aries energy. There’s countless astrological interpretations as to why I just won’t leggo my eg(g)o. I’m slowly learning to leave yesterday in its grave by meditating on the Jewish honorific: zikhronam liv’rakha. This phrase translates into ‘may their memories be a blessing’ as well as ‘may their memories be for a blessing’. The meaningfulness of for whom this blessing is for (for the deceased or for the living) may be debatable. In both senses: I am blessed that yesterday occurred, regardless of what happened there, and yesterday is blessed by the fact that I lived throughout it.

Henry Clarke’s illustration for “Cask of Amontillado”

Henry Clarke’s illustration for “Cask of Amontillado”

4. Forgive, But Don’t Forget

Yesterdays haunt me from beyond the grave with the ghosts of people, events and circumstances that have deeply wounded me. Much of my trauma has manifested into trigger points that are part of my everyday life. When a new mental health professional pushes me to express how trauma manifests, I often find myself trying to suppress the details.

My regular therapist noticed this veneer right away. He also identified what he suspected was going on. I was already re-living the trauma, but I was attempting to protect myself from experiencing guilt, shame, self-loathing, and all the other usual suspects. Most of the people and places associated with my triggers are removed from my life. Rightly or wrongly, in my headspace, I’m the only one left to absorb the culpability of what happened.

I will never forgive the people who did badly by me, partly because I logistically cannot, and partly because I earnestly do not want to (and nor should I have to). I can’t ever forgive the places where I was wronged, because to anthropomorphize a space in that capacity errs too closely to de-burdening humans of their accountability.

I can, however, forgive myself for subjecting myself to my own internally recurring unkindness. And by learning to forgive myself, I can eventually learn to recall my histories in ways where I can continue to practice compassion in my life.

5. Old Dreams Die; New Dreams Are Born

Even though I strive to live a death positive life, I grapple with thanatophobia every day. This isn’t always demonstrated by the anxiety of my own mortality. Sometimes it manifests in struggling to accept that I am not the same person as I have been previously. The current me often feels like an impostor masquerading in the skin of the older me, mainly because I am not fulfilling the hopes and dreams of the older me.

The older me is Oxford-educated and was en route to doctorate status. The older me eagerly wanted to be a parent. The older me was a working professional who volunteered for special projects and promotion opportunities. The older me practiced yoga daily and researched teaching scholarships. The order me sang in the choir and fantasized about the opera. The older me drove a car and had aspirations of being an air-conditioned vagabond. The current me is not a realization of any of these.

The current me, however, is the descendant of all of these. The death of my old dreams was the birth of new opportunities. Those dreams, too, may age out of me in the tomorrows from now. But new dreams will be birthed from those dreams, and so on and so on.

this is a clever lyric shot from the 88rising video for “Midsummer Madness,”

this is a clever lyric shot from the 88rising video for “Midsummer Madness,”

6. Expectations and Standards Are Only as Real as You Make Them

In the words of the prophet Joji: fuck the rules.

At least 30% of my therapy sessions in the span of 5 years have covered my anxieties, my resentment and my wallowing grief regarding my deep-seeded fear that I’ll never produce a life worth the monetary value. I routinely agonize that no amount of expensive surgery or recurring costs of hormone replacement will ever convince the public to perceive with my gender; that no amount of emotional, physical or skill-based labor will equal out the debt of my student loans; that no temple will accept my patrilineal heritage and consider me a worthy investment of “birthright”; that no mounting medical bills or adaptive tools will enable me to maintain pace with my abled fellows.

Every time, I have to re-educate myself that the gospel of ‘Being Human’ is actually an arbitrary set of guidelines inferred from a messy collage.

Some folks over the years have approximated what “gender” looks like and whether that gender’s presentation amounts to being “ugly” or “beautiful”; others have calculated how the “value” of a human being can be measured; some have proposed what amount of competency in one flavor-of-the-victors language amounts to “literacy.”

For the most part, we unconsciously enforce the ‘rules’ of humanity. We make baseless accusations and judgments from precognitions that were taught us by parents, siblings, friends, television personalities, magazine advertisements, history books, religious doctrines, billboards, neon signs, stump speeches, inspirational speakers, etc. We mount these on a vision board that coats our minds’ eye with the color lens of our choosing. Such lenses are ableism, white supremacy, classism, xenophobia, misogyny, heterosexism, cissexism, antisemitism, etc. We may identify these lenses by different shades or hues depending on our learned perceptions (what differentiates ableism from internalized ableism, for instance?), but ultimately, “blood orange” by any other name is just fucking red.

The fact of the matter is that these hypothetical ’truths’ are based on centuries’ worth of tradition, rebellion, assimilation, appropriation, aggrandizing and the existential need to apply meaning to every little thing. It’s a social neurosis that’s demonstrated perfectly in the Garden of Eden narrative: Adam is charged with identifying every animal and plant in Eden, yet humankind is cursed by the malady of sin when he and Eve seek to qualify their knowledge from the tree. Is it our own desire to categorize and define the world around us rather than simply identify and appreciate the beauty of diversity that pollutes our souls?

Who knows? Judging our current human relevance off of archaic presumptions shouldn’t be how we define what it means to “matter.” “Mattering” should be determined by our compassion (however we choose to express it), our presence (however we make it known) and our impact (however we manifest it).

At the Alfond Inn in Winter Park

At the Alfond Inn in Winter Park

7. We Are the Gods, Now

If everything around us is, at best, subjective, or at worst, built on fakery, lies and creative exploits, then where do we go from there? As Gabriel Byrne-as-Byron once bellowed to Natasha Richardson-as-Mary Godwin in a delightful 80s romp: “We are the gods, now.”

In the context of Ken Russell’s Gothic, Byron, Godwin, her paramour Percy Bysshe Shelley, her stepsister Claire Clairmont, and Byron’s [strikeout]#1 Fan Please[strikeout] biographer John Polidori are questioning their own personas, desires, grievances and dreams. Guilt, lust, heartbreak, grief, insecurity, mortality, anger and fear plague the fivesome when they are imprisoned in a labyrinthine villa by an atmospheric dark-and-stormy night. Godwin herself becomes the Promethean bringer of the dawn when she channels her negative energy into the momentum for her first published novel, Frankenstein: a piece that in real life would see revision fostered by the same manipulation of tragic energy from within her inner circle and drawn from a changing European social climate.

Frankenstein relays much of its explicit religious overtures from English comprehensions of Christian mythology. And from the exclusively Abrahamic perspective, a fallible god that lives, dies, achieves or fails is inconceivable. A god who is driven by passion and by mundanity is unfathomable. But these are the very tenets of godhood in other mythologies globally: the Olympians, the Teotl, the K’uh, the Deva/i, and so on and so on. The winking acknowledgment is in Godwin’s subtitle: the Modern Prometheus, a Titan who is credited in Hellenic literature for both bringing fire to the first people manifest of clay… and for drunkenly mis-applying genitals to many of the clay peoples he personally created (Aesop’s 517th Fable on gender fluidity and attraction model fluidity).

By no means do I want to portray myself as sacrilegious or anti-theistic. Rather, I want to celebrate my status as a vessel of divine power, from wherever and whomever I may have inherited that divinity from. I want to learn to perceive my mistakes as opportunities for vernal growth to replace my ingrained doctrine that successes are the only tales worth celebrating.

via quote fancy

image via quote fancy

8. ‘Failure’ is Another Word for Everything to Gain

If ‘freedom’ is just another word for nothing left to lose, then it stands to reason that ‘failure’ is another word for everything to gain. The basis of this one isn’t very novel. It’s preached in sermons, penned in self-help books, bulleted in business seminars and parroted in virtually every Hero’s Journey that sees the protagonist stumble before they run.

It’s a redundancy because for as true as the statement is, the mantra that ‘failure is not an option’. It’s a phrase that in its popular application is, at best, apocryphal. In practical translation: it’s a fucking lie. It’s a lie that has become a commodity. It is a provocative phrase that evokes fear even in the most humble of practices.

Failure equates to destiny. Failure draws out the possibilities of what were previously sketchy boundaries. Failure identifies goals and stretch goals. Failure articulates purpose. Failure generates motivation.

Every failure I experience is just exposition to my next accomplishment, which may be totally unlike that I initially projected for myself. Taking the path of Ls may lead me to a road that I never would have discovered if I only stayed on the straight and narrow. The terror of being and feeling lost is outweighed by the sublime sights of possibility.

@muertosruz

image: @muertosruz

9. You Live Your Own Obituary

I have lived long enough to see my friends die. In the LGBTQ+ and in the disabled and chronic illness communities, it happens disproportionately more often and sooner than in the general population. Not all of them were honored in ways that did justice to their legacies, namely due to a lack of respect to their core identities. But even if their services were all-inclusive, I don’t know if words and actions alone would have been enough to eulogize their memories.

For every grim and sober detail, I have several living memories, anecdotes, recollections and flashbacks. However brief my friends’ lives may have been, they were rich. Like a spectacularly fudgy, heavy slice of cake cut into a deceptive sliver on a comically large saucer. Had they lived longer, how would it shift the narrative of that presentation? Where would my memories trail off to?

Every day that I thrive, I add another chapter to my living obituary. I generate more content for an everlasting eulogy that will be curated and maintained by those who survive me.

Atlas and Caliban snuggling on it’s a small world

Atlas and Caliban snuggling on it’s a small world

10. Your Friends Will Bury You

At the time of writing this, a friend has been dead for several days. My partner and I lived with him for a time. When we moved out, we made plans to stay connected. It didn’t work out. We were on opposite sides of town living opposite lives. When we had the news broken to us, we were told he was living in a group home just down the street from us. That crushed me.

We never explicitly related to each other about living as severely mentally ill people, but it was definitely the baseline of how we were able to be friendly toward one another and respect one another’ boundaries. Our unspoken civility was refreshing at the time. Now it’s a weight in the pit of my heart. I feel equal parts culpable for not being present in his life and equal parts fearful that I could flicker out in the shadows cast by the people surrounding me.

My life has very much been pillared by isolation, loneliness, drifting and severed relationships and by agoraphobia. It is only now, as I crest on my 30s, that I’m forging friendships that are forgiving to my less-than-sociable tendencies and nourishing to my hunger for human connection.

Part of this I can credit to my personal growth, particularly my learned talents of pruning back toxic relationships and nourishing what I’ve managed to germinate within inspiring people and compelling communities. Part of this I want to credit to the fact that as I’ve aged and matured, so have the people I choose to surround myself with. But I feel most confident in and grateful to what emerging technology has enabled me with in order to stay connected to the friends I rarely see and the friends I’ve never seen in the flesh.

Tangential to the above, if I have faith in nothing else when I die, I will have total faith in the fact that my friends will be the ones to memorialize me. Regardless of whether they may be physically present, I will know that they will hold space for me because of how I have pushed myself and how I continue to push myself to hold space for them while we are alive.

Find Ariel: Carpe That Diem blog  // @carpe_that_diem on instagram

Ten Favorite Pieces From My Collection by Katie Kierstead of Roses & Rue Antiques

Roses and Rue feature

As the product of two antiques-dealing parents and having grown up in New England surrounded by antiques, perhaps it was inevitable that Katie Kierstead end up a collector and purveyor of heirlooms, curios, and olde-timey objets d’art. But it wasn’t until she discovered the dazzling literary works of Oscar Wilde that she internalized what it meant to be an aesthete, to cultivate an intrinsic sense of beauty for herself, and to be one’s own work of art. She rapidly began accumulating whatever late 19th century odds and ends she could afford, eager to place herself in his world.

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Katie’s antique shop, Roses & Rue, is inspired by an early poem of Wilde’s (one that keenly resonated with her, though not a particularly good poem, she notes) and offers us a glorious glimpse into another era– via a meticulously curated treasure trove of gems from the past, with a focus on sentimental items like mourning jewelry, hair work, and love tokens. She take a fastidious, curatorial approach to collecting, choosing items for their quality, uniqueness, and beauty. These timeless qualities are the hallmark of the items in Katie’s personal collection as well–from which she is sharing ten of her beautiful, beloved favorites with us for this month’s installment of Ten Things!

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1. Victorian figural hand-shaped paperweights

Hands were a very popular design motif during the 19th century and served a variety of functions, from the cold porcelain hands that held salt cellars and vases on dinner tables, to hands clasped in love or friendship in sentimental jewelry. To the modern eye, they smack strongly of the surreal: Disembodied, suggestive; strange. I can’t quite place where my own attraction to these hands began, but I suspect it has something to do with the enchanted household objects in Cocteau’s La belle et la bête.

I have many Victorian hands in my collection- vessels, ex votos, jewelry, and even a wedding cake topper made of wax with a real cloth cuff. However, these two paperweights, one cast iron and the other an unknown metal, stand out as favorites. I cherish them especially because I found them both by chance. That’s often how it goes: Online searches for “Victorian hands” usually turn up a maddening number of results that are neither Victorian nor hand-shaped. Look out for reproductions of these metal hands: Real Victorian pieces will have very lifelike, fine details, and no seams.

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2. Victorian silver locket

This silver locket, which dates to around the 1880s, is the most recent acquisition on the list. I acquired it only last December, and I’m including it simply because it’s just one of those things I have wanted for eons. There are always plenty of Victorian lockets around, but it took me literally years to find one large enough and extravagant enough to suit my tastes. I am no dainty damsel- neither in personality nor in bust circumference, so I just can’t do tiny jewelry: It makes me feel like a bus. At 2 inches long, this is the locket of my dreams.

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3. Floral Forget Me Not, 1853.

I am fortunate enough to have many beautiful antiquarian books in my collection, and I particularly love books from the 1840s-1860s with covers blindstamped in gold. Perhaps this is the book that inspired the obsession? Both of my parents were antique dealers, and this book has been in my mother’s collection for as long as I can remember… At least, until it became a part of mine! (Read: I totally stole this from my mom.) The symbolism of flowers was very important to the Victorians, so collections of verses that correspond to various flowers and their meanings were popular gifts.

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4. Mid-19th century hair album.

During the 19th century, women and young girls arranged locks of hair into elaborate patterns, exchanged them with classmates, family members, and friends, and collected them in scrapbook albums. Paper was still relatively expensive during the mid 19th century, so many of these albums were made from ordinary scrap paper, like mine. This album measures about 3.5” squared, and the hair works inside are roughly the size of a penny.

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5. Victorian miniature hair work on mother of pearl in velvet case

This piece combines two of my favorite things to collect: Victorian hair work and decorative objects made from mother of pearl. Just 2 inches tall, this miniature love token is made from palette worked hair on a disc of mother of pearl inside a purple velvet case, the sort that more commonly held photographs. The forget-me-not raises the possibility that this is a mourning memento, but it could also be simply a remembrance from a loved one who is far away. There seems to be tendency to presume that any Victorian item that involves human hair belongs in the “mourning” bucket, but the truth is that many of these objects are love tokens or family pieces. Unless there is clear language or unmistakable symbolism like a willow or urn, it’s not fair to make a definitive statement one way or the other. Beware of sellers throwing around the word “mourning” willy nilly.

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6. 1860s casket plate

I’ve bought and sold many antique casket plates over the years, but only ever kept one. Its highly detailed imagery with angels, a tombstone, willows, and an urn are more typical of the black and white funeral cards that were popular during this era. Those are my favorite mourning cards to collect, but I had never seen that imagery on a casket plate before. My gut-feeling about its rarity was correct: I’ve been in touch with an archaeologist who collects and catalogs images of casket plates, and in all his years of research he has only seen 7 with this design, all dating from 1859 to 1865.

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7. 19th century German memorial

I’m not really the kind of collector who needs to have a large quantity of the same thing: I have one very nice Victorian hair wreath in a shadowbox, and that’s enough for me. After all, one hair wreath is very like another, and I would rather spend my money on something different and unique. When I stumbled across this piece, I smashed the “Buy It Now” button without even thinking twice.

This shadow box contains a memorial for a pair of siblings who died during the 1860s. Their names and dates of birth and death are written on a paper heart surrounded by a wreath of pink cloth flowers, above which are forget-me-nots made from their blond hair. Blue and pink are colors that are traditionally associated with the Madonna, so this shadowbox displays beautifully beside my Marian relics and sacred hearts.

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8. Victorian shellwork wallpaper box

Victorian shellwork runs the gamut from “sailor’s valentines” assembled by women in Barbados for tourists passing through the port, to unusual folk art treasures like this. It’s unusual to see a wallpaper box painted black, which suggests this may be a mourning piece. I had admired it in a favorite shop for months before it suddenly disappeared. After several more weeks of cursing myself for not buying it when I had the chance, it reappeared at 50% off! I like to think I was meant to have it, but I certainly learned my lesson about procrastinating on a purchase. In the antiques trade we like to tell people, “The time to buy it is when you see it.”

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9. Victorian swordfish bill sword

There’s nothing worse than walking into an antiques shop only to find a homogeneous hodge-podge of milk painted furniture, mid-century knick knacks, reproduction “hearth and home” stuff, and yard sale fodder instead of actual antiques. But sometimes I find the most amazing things in places like that: Where the selection is not closely curated or where true antiques are not the focus, oftentimes there are gems hiding in plain sight.

This piece was propped up against a bookshelf in a crowded corner and labeled “vintage wooden toy sword.” The handle is wood, but the blade is actually a swordfish bill. These were made by sailors during the late 19th century and are usually found in coastal towns.

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10. 19th century French hair work heart

Judging by the quantity of hair and the image of the Christ child at the center, this is likely a devotional piece made by a Catholic nun: Hair cutting is part of a nun’s investiture ceremony, representing the woman’s renunciation of the secular world and its vanities.

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Also! Roses & Rue is teaming up with Seance Perfumes for a giveaway! We’re not hosting it at Unquiet Things, but it definitely bears mentioning as it’s a wonderful opportunity that is no doubt relevant to many readers here. One lucky winner will win a Pre-release of Seance’s newest product, an Eau De Parfum spray of Dearly Departed adorned in a vintage style spritzer bottle with atomizer, as well as an Embalming Oil body lotion. You will also receive a Victorian lay down perfume bottle as well as a deadstock memorial print from the turn of the century from Roses & Rue! Details for this giveaway are on both Roses & Rue’s instagram account as well as Seance Perfumes instagram!

Find Roses & Rue: website // instagram // facebook

Ten Things That Bring Me Joy From Angela St. John Of Solstice Scents

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If you are a fragrance-fiend or have a passion for perfume, chances are you are familiar with Angela St. John and her wildly imaginative aromatic enchantments at Solstice Scents.  Angela is brilliant at bottling atmospheres, and creates original, ingenious fragrances by illustrating new worlds, abstract concepts and experiences in an olfactive format.

It was through Angela’s perfumed portrayal of a handful of delectable gourmand concepts, that I, a former enemy of the entire family of foodie-fragrances, finally started becoming less hostile toward, for example, chocolate-, cakey, honey- or caramel-forward scents! And though no doubt it is due to her skilled artistry as a perfumer, evoking imagery of these delicious treats through her molecular smell-sorcery (or smell-science, depending on how you think about these things), she is also an extraordinarily gifted story-teller–through both her fragrances and their accompanying narratives, she crafts scented spaces, places, and times that utterly delight and transport.

I have gotten to know Angela over the years, and she, herself, is a delight! We geek out over perfumes and cocktails, smelling-notes and tasting-notes, and it’s a top-priority bucket-list item to actually get a chance to sit down with her and swoon over these things in person. Few things give me more joy than communing with a kindred spirit, and I definitely consider Angela one such like-minded soul.

Speaking of things that bring us joy…! Our Ten Things Installment this month is Angela’s ten things that bring her joy, and I don’t know about you, but I have had a Very Bad Week, and I could certainly use a bit of that elusive joy right now. And for those among you up north, enduring your umpteenth snow storm–I remember what it was like to live in that weather, and how, by the time February rolls around, it feels like winter has persisted for 100 years and it will be winter and snow and cold and misery eternally, forever. I’ll bet you could also use some some ideas and items for your rituals and practice of coping stress and sadness, and some tools for mental wellness and peace. Some things to bring some light and joy into your heart…or your ears, or nose, or whatever works for you! See below and bliss out to some of Angela’s suggestions.

Golden Lotus

1. Golden Lotus Electric Incense Heater 

I enjoy burning resins and woods within my home for a variety of reasons: mental, spiritual/intentional and for the sheer pleasure of being enveloped in the aromatics. While I enjoy smoldering resins on charcoal, this method often creates a fumigating level of smoke in the room. For a more subtle experience that generates less smoke and loads of fragrance, utilizing an electric warmer for resins, oud, sandalwood chips and so on creates a beautiful olfactory setting for your sacred space. You have control over the temperature so you may set it higher for resins or slightly lower for woods and dried botanical blends.

I’ve had my warmer for many years and use it frequently. I highly recommend Katlyn’s Dragon’s Tears and Kyphi to go with the warmer. Her resins and palo santo are also of the highest quality.

Moss Incense

2. Shoyeido Nokiba (Moss Garden) incense sticks 

On the topic of incense, Shoyeido Nokiba is my top favorite incense stick and my daily burn. It is a gorgeous natural blend of aromatic woods and plants. I collect incense from all over the world but prefer the Japanese style for its fragrant expression and the lower smoke production from its Tibetan or Indian counterparts. I’ve tried a variety of blends from several of the top Japanese houses and this particular one remains my favorite. I always start my day with a stick of Nokiba and foresee this ritual to continue for as long as Nokiba is in production. The affordable price tag makes it an easy daily practice to indulge in.

TEA

3. Moon Ease Tea 

This highly effective and convenient blend of plant allies lovingly assists with the pain associated with our moon times. I make my own blend for myself featuring cramp bark as the main active paired with skullcap, mints, marshmallow root and more, but I have tried and highly recommend the “Moon Ease” blend if you do not have a connection with a local herbalist or do not already make your own blend.

FAR INFRARED THERAPY MAT

4. Healthyline TAO Inframat Pro – Far Infrared Gemstone therapy mat: 

I am linking to an extensive article that I wrote on this far infrared therapy (FIR) mat for anyone interesting in learning more. Over the years, I’ve introduced many aspects of vibrational therapy/energy healing into my life as an overall protocol to reduce stress/lower cortisol levels, heal mind and body and instill a sense of peace in my daily life. I utilize many different tools from sound therapy (see #5), aromatherapy, crystal therapy/gem essences, flower essences and FIR. I have both a full size FIR mat for the whole body and a few small mats for my office chair and bedroom.

FIR is able to get hotter than and penetrate deeper than traditional heating pads. I use this during my moon time to ease pain, for sore back and muscles and for general mood lifting and relaxing. The FIR passes through the pounds of gemstones (amethyst, tourmaline ceramic and obsidian) and emits negative ions which have been shown to lift the mood. I utilize my large mat everyday while reading, journaling or napping and also use it as a sauna since the mat comes with a Mylar space blanket and can reach up to approximately 140 degrees Fahrenheit. I enjoy laying the small TAO mat across my stomach when winding down after dinner to help digest and relax before bed. The warmth is extremely relaxing and I absolutely cannot do without it as a part of my daily ritual. It’s especially great to do crystal body layouts while laying on the large mat and it is an excellent place to meditate as well.

SOUND HEALING

5. Sound therapy 

The link above will take you to one of my favorite examples of singing bowls and sound therapy. I recommend that you use headphones, if you have them available, in order to experience being submerged in the sound and to feel the vibrations going through your body.

Sound therapy covers a whole host of techniques under the wider umbrella of vibrational therapy/energy healing modality. It focuses on utilizing sound through either instruments or vocal toning to affect change on a mental, spiritual and physical level. A theory exists that vibrational frequencies can affect the crystalline structure of water both positively and detrimentally (see Masaru Emoto’s work). As beings primarily made up of water, vibrations imbued with loving intention can perhaps change our very makeup. I utilize sound therapy to “raise my vibration” and ahead of meditation to help quiet the mind and instill a sense of peace and calm. It is an excellent way to reduce stress, stimulate the pineal gland, plant seeds of intention, affect our energetic biofields (auras) and become closer to source. Vibrational medicine utilizes tools previously mentioned in this article to restore harmonic resonance as one component of holistic healing. I use a variety of instruments in my sound healing practice: crystal singing bowls, Tibetan singing bowls, solfeggio tuning forks, Koshi chimes, ocean drum, Native American flute, tingsha cymbals, rain stick, drums and so on. My favorite tools to affect a dramatic change in mental state are the singing bowls and tuning forks.

If you wish to learn more about sound therapy, check out the work of Jonathan Goldman and one of my top favorite books on the subject by Eileen McKusick, Tuning the Human Biofield. I feel the most effective way to experience sound healing is to work with the instruments yourself, or attend a live sound healing if there are practitioners in your area, as you can really feel the vibrations of them in “live” format. There are many beautiful videos for free on Youtube to begin exploring the soundscape. The hang drum/hand pan and gongs are other examples of otherwordly and beautiful instruments that are wonderful for sound healing. The subject is complex and contains many other modalities and topics such as Rife frequencies, binaural beats, chanting, vocal toning and more to affect your vibration.

ASTRO PLANER

6. The Magic of I astrological planner

Never will I ever be without this incredible planner for as long as they continue to make it. What a game changer. I adore the format, the correspondence information, the areas for intention setting and working with the moon and the aesthetic. It is the perfect planner for me. I use mine to journal, record daily tarot and oracle pulls and set weekly, monthly and yearly intentions – and record their progress with the full moon. I use a planner from Open Sea Design Co. that I purchased at the Haute Macabre store for work tasks, to-do lists and so on but the Magic of I planner is solely for spiritual and journaling purposes. I have a more in depth review on my Instagram here, for those interested.

DRAM PALO SANTO BITTERS

7. Craft Bitters, especially the Palo Santo Bitters from Dram Apothecary

I love craft cocktails and specifically enjoy unusual bitters, liqueurs and infusions. The palo santo bitters taste exactly like palo santo smells. I love anything and everything palo santo. I’ll take these straight up as a digestive stimulant because I love the taste. I also enjoy them in water, tea (especially the Juniper Ridge Douglas Fir Tips tea) and with Breckenridge Bourbon Whiskey or St. George Spirits Terroir Gin. I also enjoy the Bar Keep Lavender bitters with vanilla bean infused vodka or as an addition to blueberry moonshine. The lavender fragrance and aroma is very strong, like lavender essential oil!  A bonus craft cocktail favorite of mine is the Royal Rose Organic Rose Syrup; It is amazing with a London dry gin such as No. 3 Gin but pairs wonderfully with a variety of spirits and teas.

ANTIMONY PERFUME

8. Antimony perfume by House of Matriarch

I enjoy many of Christi’s perfumes but Antimony stole my heart from the start. We participated with Christi in a project for Cafleurebon called “Project Talisman”. Antimony was Christi’s submission for the project. It is a natural blend comprised of 111 essences. It’s just a stunning fragrance that dries down to the most luxurious and narcotic dragon’s blood type of aroma. I have a more detailed review here

Acorn cookies

9. Acorn cookies from Glorious Forest Apothecary

I was hesitant to include this on the list as she does not currently have a batch opening advertised on her site, so if you want to try these amazing cookies you may not be able to until the end of the year. However, I loved them so much and they were a highlight of 2018 for me so here they are. These gluten free cookies are made with the nut meat of white oak acorns that Glorious Forest processes herself. The flavor is similar to gingerbread, without any additional spices or molasses to provide that classic flavor. They are slightly nutty and very buttery. They were just such a special niche food experience and I am dying to get my hands on more! They are especially wonderful paired with her very low sugar Elderberry Jam or with Heidi’s Raspberry Farm’s Lavender Raspberry Jam (which really should be its own favorite on this Ten Things list!)

ILNP SIRENE NAIL POLISH

10. ILNP’s Sirene multichrome polish:
I love polish, especially multichrome’s and holographic polish. Out of the 100+ bottles in my collection, Sirene has to be my top favorite. It is a jewel tone multichrome polish that flashes from teal to dark purple to emerald green. It does require three thin coats with a lot of dry time between coats 2 and 3, but I think it is absolutely worth it for the end result. I usually apply the first coat in the evening, which dries very quickly, then the second and wait until the next morning to apply the third. I prefer not to use a fast drying top coat due to damage they’ve caused my nails, but you may opt to go that route. This color is just mesmerizing, like the chatoyancy you experience in a really saturated flashy labradorite.

Find Solstice Scents: website // instagram // facebook // twitter

Ten Things That Got Me Through 2018 From Harlow Skalwold

Anxiety

For this month’s Ten Things, we are featuring our lovely friend Harlow Skalwold, unstoppable human creator, art director at DellamorteCo. and chief coffee pusher at Banshee + Cinder Coffee. I began chatting with Harlow a few years ago, either for interview purposes…or…something else (I don’t even remember now!) and our friendship has grown and blossomed to the point where sometimes I find myself texting or DMing her about this, that, or the other thing on a daily basis. Sometimes frivolous or ridiculous, and sometimes more solemn, weighty matters–I think we’ve found in each other a kindred soul with whom to share our thoughts, no matter what form they take.

When I reached out to Harlow to ask if she’d be interested in contributing a “Ten Things” installment, she suggested “Ten Things That Got Me Through 2018”. Though I was sorry to hear that she–or anyone– had a rough go of it last year (mine wasn’t so hot, either), I felt very passionately about giving the opportunity to someone who had a painful, challenging year, to share a few helpful things that alleviated their suffering during that time.

At the same time I have been talking to Harlow about this post, reading her words, formatting the images she had thoughtfully chosen, and thinking about her experiences overall, I have also been reading Megan Devine’s It’s OK That You’re Not OK, and in this wonderful book and excellent resource, Megan talks about pain versus suffering, how to tend to your pain and adjust your suffering.

“There’s so much helplessness inside of grief, so much pain that cannot be fixed. Suffering, however, is optional. That distinction can help you figure out what things can be changed, and what things simply need to be supported.

In grief, pain gets tended, suffering gets adjusted.

You might ask yourself, where is there suffering? What tangible problems could be solved in order to reduce suffering? Are you eating, sleeping, moving enough? Can you spend more time with people who support your pain, rather than try to talk you out of it? Are there any places that induce even the smallest bit of calm inside your heart?”

I like the idea of knowing the things that induce calm in your heart while the rest of your world is in turmoil. The things, however small or inconsequential seeming that may relieve the pain in some small degree, or introduce a modicum of peace and stillness when everything feels like it is falling apart. Thank you, Harlow, for sharing the things that made your world a little better last year :)

undies1. Awesome Underthings

TomboyX Iconic Briefs
Something about women’s underpants really pisses me off. I like a pretty bra, sure, but I do not want all that lacy, frilly crap on my butt. It’s also difficult to find good women’s underwear with a Halloween print. TomboyX has catered to all my desires and they have these y-front briefs that really tickle my fancy. I bought 2 great Halloween prints, a pack of black briefs, and then went on to get a pair with an octopus print, and one with cats! Normally I’m all black everything, but for these underpants I’ve gladly made an exception. AND the Iconic Briefs are built with a front pocket so you can pack! So cool! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry about it!
redecorating

2. Redecorating

I redecorate every year, but it generally consists of shifting my generous collection of art and oddities around the house. This year I indulged myself, embracing the modern, stark tones of Blade Runner and Delia Deetz. My living room is shades of grey with shots of red, ivory, and black. It is eclectic but clean, minimalist, and unapologetically not Victorian or witchy.
A big change that you have control over can be incredibly cathartic.
(You get to see my living room as a fancy collage because I haven’t finished painting the walls yet and I’m terrible at taking interior design photos.)

sculpture

3. This sculpture by Kiki Smith at Grounds For Sculpture in Hamilton, NJ

 

pods

4. Sawbones & Science Vs Podcasts

Sawbones is hands-down my favorite podcast. It’s the only podcast I listen to consistently. They are funny, witty, informative, and talk about one of my favorite topics, messed up medical history. They tackle important modern day issues as well, and being a liberal, science minded couple from West Virginia, things can get pretty interesting!
This podcast is therapy for me. I turn on a new episode while I work and I can just focus on their stories. My anxiety from the day subsides. My overactive, ruminating, worrisome brains finally shut up. This podcast is part of my self care, and something I really, really look forward to every week.

I occasionally listen to Science Vs when the topic intrigues me. Their The Science of Being Transgender which aired in December was eye opening. I’ve struggled to understand my gender identity since I was 10 years old. It feels a little ridiculous to have an epiphany because of a podcast, but there it was. All my confusion was simply because I don’t have a gender. Like a person’s sexuality, gender is something that is instinctual. Most people just know that they are a girl or a boy, whether that matches their sex or not. I don’t have that instinct. I don’t suffer from dysphoria either, though. I think I would have been okay in whatever body I was given. I’m perfectly comfortable with my body and my sex. I can identify with being a woman because of my sex, but I just don’t “get” a lot if things. I suppose like being colorblind, you don’t know you’re missing something until the world (people, society, podcasts, whatever) makes it glaringly obvious. Hey! Guess what! You’re agender!

Poppies from the manuscript Codice Rinio Codice Roccobonella, 1445. (1)

5. Online Support Groups
In May my mother was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer, out of the blue. I thought she was going to die. Her doctors thought she was going to drop dead at any moment. It was the single most horrifying thing I’ve been through in my entire life – the idea of losing my mother. Friends helped find me an amazing resource for those going through treatment and their loved ones. I was able to join a group for caregivers and close family almost as soon as I signed up. And it helped. The moderator was knowledgeable and sympathetic and just urging enough to get a bunch of strangers to open up and start talking to each other.
My mother survived her first chemo treatment, barely, and then her second, and her third, and then surgery, and then more chemo. My mother is still going strong and the doctors call her a rockstar. My mother IS a rockstar.

Connect with others in support groups for cancer patients, loved ones and people who have lost a loved one, led by oncology social workers. https://www.cancercare.org/support_groups

If you are troubled by a death, illness, disorders, trauma, social issues, identity issues, severe depression, anxiety, the loss of a beloved pet/familiar, anything… there is help out there, people who have been or are going through what you are. If you are troubled I urge you to please put google search to work. You are not alone.

mads

6. Mab’s Drawlloween Club 2018

Daily art prompts for the entire month of October, hosted by Pop Surrealist painter Mab Graves. I’ve never done anything like this before and it was an incredible challenge that pushed me to my limits. It usually takes about a week for me to complete a full collage! I am so proud of myself for finishing, and I swear, I have never been so productive creatively in my entire life. Art is therapeutic for me, and while it kept me busy as hell, I absolutely loved the challenge.

You can check out my artwork on instagram: http://www.instagram.com/saintcalluna

voting7. Voting

Did you vote? I voted twice in 2018 – legally!*
We finally made a change and I have a little hope where there has been none in two years. We have got to put this dumpster fire out!

(*2 different elections, no voter fraud here…)

mourning8. A Mourning Tattoo and Mourning Jewelry

In 2018 I got another tattoo! My cat, Banshee, died in October of 2017, and I have never mourned for another living soul the way I mourned the loss of my sweet jerkface of a familiar. I was devastated. Distraught beyond measure. To celebrate our relationship, and keep her with me, I drew one of her owl like eyes and had it tattooed on my left hand. I am not hiding my love and my pain, and I am definitely too old to be squeamish about visible tattoos.
Then fate brought Copperelegy of The 8th House Collection to me. She inquired about an art trade… in return she created this this sterling silver urn bracelet containing the ashes of my dearly departed Banshee. It is gorgeous and perfect and fills me with such sorrow and joy. I was blessed to have had 11 years with that troublesome, possessive, mouthy, and loving little creature.

IMG_99229. Coffee

I had to stop drinking booze early in 2017 because of new medications. I quit smoking over a decade ago because it’s gross and cancer sucks. I’ve never been into the recreational drug thing, and they probably wouldn’t go well with my meds now anyway.
So what have I got??

Coffee!

I love coffee and you’d have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands before I give it up. I find pure joy in that first sip of the day. I love the aroma, the complexity of the flavor, the warmth on a cold morning. Or afternoon, or night… you know how it goes.

Coffee became a new focus for me in 2018 when I opened Banshee + Cinder Bespoke Coffee Co. Yes – I love coffee so much that I started selling it.
Sometimes when the world is bleak, you have to remember the simple pleasures to help get you through – because this bullshit lately is overwhelming…

instagram

10. Instagram

I really tried to make this last thing not be Instagram, but here it is. Instagram is one of the things that got me through 2018. I have my own little community of amazing people who have supported me through all my struggles, my new ventures, and random art attacks. This past year especially I have made some incredible new friends and acquaintances, and even met a couple of them in person!

I have been inspired, comforted, made to feel like I’m worth a damn. Thank you, Instafam, for getting me through 2018.

10 essentials

BONUS ROUND!
My 10 Essentials

Bombas Merino Wool Socks
So soft, so comfortable. I smile every time I put a fresh pair on my feet, and since I switched to wearing wool over cotton I no longer struggle with foot odor! Additionally, Bombas donates a pair of socks to homeless shelters for every pair of socks they sell.

Neutrogena Revitalizing Lip Balm SPF 20
I can’t find a tinted lip balm with an SPF anywhere. I keep buying all these fancy tinted balms and I keep coming back to Neutrogena.

Nizoral A-D Shampoo
The only thing that has worked for my itchy, flaky scalp, and I have tried everything. I just wish I found it sooner!

Urban Decay Brow Beater Microfine Brow Pencil And Brush
The right size, the right color, and easy application. Seriously, all I want are good brows…

Fluevog Shoes
Goth/weirdo staples. With my Dada Donuts and my Derby Swirls I go from vamp to Brando without missing a beat.

My iPhone
I went to being someone who thought cellphones were a leash, to someone who can barely live without their better than Star Trek pocket computer.

Bird Ov Prey T-shirts
I live in these. Softest and coolest looking t-shirts ever. Jordan of Bird Ov Prey is an insanely talented designer, working out of Brooklyn, NY.

Batwing Sunglasses from La Femme en Noir
It took me two years to find the perfect damned sunglasses. I am finally satisfied, and I have a pile of sunglasses that I don’t know what to do with now. These suit my vampire aesthetic perfectly.

Eggo Gluten Free Waffles
The best gluten free waffles ever! I can’t find them sometimes and it makes me fantasize about buying a big freezer so I can store bulk quantities.

Hello Activated Charcoal Whitening Toothpaste with Fluoride
Black black black fucking toothpaste, I love it… I used to get charcoal toothpaste shipped from Japan because you could only get powder in the US. Finally someone has hopped on the activated charcoal craze, and lucky for me, their headquarters are 2 towns away from me!
(FYI they also make a black toothbrush.)

Find Harlow Skalwold instagram // art // Banshee + Cinder // DellamorteCo

Vampires, Witches, and Ghosts: The Top Ten Reasons Why I Love the Holiday Season By Sarah Chavez

Mucha-Christmas-in-America-1919 Header

Sarah Chavez (interviewed previously) is a museum curator and historian who writes and recreates historical and cultural recipes for her blog, Nourishing Death, which examines the relationship between food and death in rituals, culture, religion, and society. She is also co-founder of Death & the Maiden, which explores the relationship between women and death by sharing ideas and creating a platform for discussion and feminist narratives. She is the executive director of The Order of the Good Death and serves as the Social Media Editor for Death Salon.

To continue our monthly installment of Ten Things, and just in time for our full moon, 2018 winter solstice, Sarah is here to share her Top Ten reasons as to why she loves the holiday season! There are eerie and wonderful and delights to be found here, indeed; I suggest you grab a cup of something steaming and fragrant, dim the lights, curl into your favorite seat, and tuck right in!

rau Perchta by Bill Crisafi

frau Perchta by Bill Crisafi

During this time of darkness, when one year ends and another begins, people have practiced rituals to honor and appease the dead. Similar to Halloween this threshold between the old and the new allows the dead, (along with demons, spirits, and witches), passage between our worlds.

We leave offerings of food on our tables and doorsteps for otherworldly beings, eat beans for good luck (which were once believed to be vessels that held the souls of the dead), and make noise (fireworks, gunshots, cheering) at midnight on New Year’s Eve to scare away unwanted spirits who wish to do us harm or bring misfortune.

Indeed, this is a magical time of year…but not for the reasons you might think.

Ghosts

1. Ghost Stories
“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.”

Ghosts? On Christmas?
Yes!
Ghost stories on Christmas were once an important part of holiday traditions –
“Whenever five or six English-speaking people meet round a fire on Christmas Eve, they start telling each other ghost stories,” wrote Jermome K Jerome in 1891.

This year, gather around a fire, or a pizza, to share ghost stories with your loved ones, or track down episodes of the BBC series Ghost Stories For Christmas and revive this wonderful, forgotten tradition.

draculadaughter1732

film still from Dracula’s Daughter (1936)

2. Vampires
For me, the holidays season officially begins with St. Andrew’s Eve on the night of November 29th, when the vampires arrive. According to Romanian folklore, not only do spirits of the dead roam the earth this night but so do the undead. Be sure to rub garlic on your windows and your pets!

Holiday movies image from Bell, Book, and Candle

film still from Bell, Book, and Candle (1958)

3. Holiday Movies
If Hallmark Christmas movie marathons, and reruns of Miracle on 34th Street are not your thing (because they definitely aren’t mine), here are some alternative seasonal favorites that pair just as well with some popcorn and hot chocolate by the fire.

Bell, Book, and Candle (1958) – There’s witchcraft, a cat, and a secret nightclub for witches set against a Christmas in New York City backdrop.

Fanny and Alexander (1982) – Ingmar Bergen has a way of beautifully and painfully exposing the best and worst of human beings. In this lavish, visually stunning film he takes viewers inside the Ekdhal family’s Victorian era Christmas to explore the pain and joys of family.

The Curse of the Cat People (1944) – Intended as a sequel to Cat People (1942), this gem features the main players of the horror classic, but that’s where the ties end. In it, an alienated little girl makes friends with a ghost, and an elderly, reclusive actress. Critic Leonard Maltin’s descriptives of the film as “wonderful atmosphere [and] fine, moody fantasy” are spot on.

Night of the Hunter (1955) – I saved the best for last – Night of the Hunter is a masterpiece. This is essentially a fairy tale, both terrifying and achingly beautiful. If you’ve never seen it, here – this is my holiday gift to you.

Christmas Monsters image of The Tomten by artist Astrid Lindgren

image of The Tomten by artist Astrid Lindgren

4. Christmas Monsters
You are all probably already familiar with Krampus, but the holiday landscape is full of terrors, making it even more festive! Here are a few you may not be familiar with:

The Tomten are creatures that live in Scandanavia, and bear a strong resemblance to the Expedia Gnome. They reside among the dead in the burial mounds surrounding nearby homes where they act as caretakers, protectors and helpers of the household. But beware for they are easily offended and have quite the temper. The Tomten are known to act out their anger by killing livestock and playing nasty ticks on the home’s inhabitants, breaking things around the house, hiding important objects, (where did my car keys go?!), curdling the milk and tying the cows’ tails together. No cows? Your shoelaces will suffice.
There are even some stories of Tomten driving people insane with their tricks or even biting them. Their bites, being poisonous, typically lead to death.
You would be well advised to leave a gift of food out on Christmas Eve for this fellow.

The Karakoncolos is a version of bigfoot who can be found in Turkey, Serbia, Bulgaria and Macedonia. He appears during the Christmas holidays and lurks in the shadows on street corners awaiting the arrival of passerby. When someone crosses The Karakoncolos’ path, he asks them a riddle. If the word “black” is not incorporated into the answer, the unfortunate person receives a death blow from the monster.

Each year on New Year’s Eve the Japanese village of Oga carries out an elaborate ritual involving demonic-like ogre figures, the Namahage. During the grand annual festival fifteen Namahage march down from the mountain where they are said to live and descend upon the village. The demons hand out sticky rice cakes to the citizens of Oga, believed to ward off disaster in the coming year, which sounds pretty nice right? However, once that is done the demons visit every household in the village where they berate the women and children and then threaten to kidnap them. The family offer the Namahage some sake and do their best to convince them not to take anyone away this year. This usually does the trick.

music-Holly Ivy

5. Christmas Music
A hallmark of Christmas is the music of the season. We are all too familiar with the thematic elements of the overly cute, romantic, sentimental and of course, sacred songs of the holiday season.

When you think about it, it isn’t terribly difficult to find curiously macabre songs and carols among the pack. After all, even by Christian standards, this is the celebration of a figure who has always been linked to death.

The Holly and the Ivy
One of the most popular Christmas songs, The Holly and the Ivy may be burdened with the stamp of Christianity, but still manages to maintain its pagan fertility imagery – so obvious, there is no need to explain. It’s Christmas Sexy-Time!

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer,
The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.
The holly bears a blossom as white as lily flower…

We Three Kings
Another popular Christmas song we all know, that little kids sing at school, and frequently plays over the speakers at the grocery store.

Myrrh is mine: Its bitter perfume
Breaths a life of gathering gloom.
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding dying,
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb.

Bethlehem Down
Composer Peter Warlock was experiencing financial difficulties. He had recently befriended poet and party boy Bruce Blunt. The first account of their mutual company was from a press report detailing their arrests for being “drunk and disorderly.” Lack of funds to fuel their party life prompted their collaboration on Bethlehem Down, which, in turn, won them the Daily Telegraph’s annual Christmas carol writing contest. The prize money funded an “immoral carouse” on Christmas Eve in 1927.

When he is King they will clothe him in grave-sheets,
Myrrh for embalming, and wood for a crown,
He that lies now in the white arms of Mary,
Sleeping so lightly on Bethlehem Down.

The Coventry Carol
You may not recognize it from the name, but you know it. This carol was originally contained within a mystery play, retelling the story of Christmas. This song is sung by the mothers of the little boys under the age of two, who are destined to be brutally murdered by King Herod’s men. In the last lines, they say goodbye to their children. A truly haunting and heartbreaking piece.

witches vintage photograph of Perchta and her Perchten

vintage photograph of Perchta and her Perchten

6. Witches
In many parts of Europe, witches are a common and popular figure of the Christmas season. Prior to the Christian church taking over January 6th as Epiphany or Three Kings night, this was the holy night of Berchta, goddess of winter, witchcraft and animals.

Many countries have adapted Berchta to their own cultures and she goes by many different names and personas, from the kindly La Befana who leaves Italian children small gifts, to the sinister Perchta who punishes the idle and greedy by ripping out their intestines and replacing them with straw, rocks, and garbage.

food photograph by William Mortenson

photograph by William Mortenson

7. Food
By now it should be no surprise that many of our traditional Christmas foods are also attached to some dark folklore. For example, fat from the Christmas Goose would be left outside as an offering for witches who would use it to make flying ointment.

For me and many other Latinx’s, holiday season equals, tamale, pozole, and ponche season. Pozole is a soup that has been around for centuries, originating in Mexico prior to colonization. It was a common dish, made with a combination of herbs, peppers, corn and meat. When the pozole was served in conjunction with festival days, or as a part of sacred rituals, the meat in some cases was from the bodies of those who were sacrificed.
Nowadays we use pork and chicken, but making pozole is another way our traditions link us to our family, culture, ancestors, and the dead.

Grave candles in Helsinki 2004. Photo Darren Webb

Grave candles in Helsinki 2004. Photo Darren Webb

8. Visits From the Dead
As I mentioned previously, this is a time when the veil between the world of the living and the dead thins. Many different cultures welcome their ancestors with gifts of food, or even save them a place at the table.

On Christmas Eve in Finland families all journey to the cemetery to visit the graves of their loved ones and light candles. An area is set aside for visitors who do not have family interred locally. Here, they are invited to light a candle for their own loved ones who have passed on. The scene is reverent and magical.

gifting

Hyori’s Bed & Breakfast, Season 2

9. Gifting aka Treating Yourself
Not only do you deserve it, you probably need it. Holidays are hard and always cause some measure of stress – family, loss, changes, and a new year bring on all sorts of anxiety.

Do things that nourish and delight. Lavish yourself with love and care and gifts. Mind you, a gift doesn’t have to be a thing you spend money on – it can be time (which, imo, is the most valuable thing). These, compounded by living in a society that is suffering from feelings of loneliness and isolation, we are desperate to find connection and meaning in our lives and with each other.

Here are three of my essentials right now:

Teamotions Tea is not only delicious, using adaptogens to provide much needed emotional support. Created by a bereaved mother and her sister to help provide support through almost unbearable grief, their Have Hope blend will help you in the worst of times. My favorite, Seek Peace is a coconut chai that helps to “release pent-up emotions, especially anger and frustration.”

Yes! Liberation is an elixir for “healing, strength, protection and support in the face of racism, neocolonialism and oppression. Heals our broken hearts and helps us recover from trauma.” For most of us, this year has been rough. I started using this in September, and for the first time this year I felt like I could actually breathe.

Hyori’s Bed & Breakfast, Season 2 this Korean reality show, available to watch on Netflix, isn’t your normal U.S. reality TV fare full of tears, drama, and people being generally horrible to each other.

The series, which follows a celebrity Korean couple that reside on magical Jeju Island, who, (with their many adorable rescued pets), open their home to guests for the winter.

Watching this show is like a soothing balm as it leads viewers through every day tasks of cooking and cleaning, mixed with fun outings like sledding, and exploring the island. The hosts meet interesting people, have meaningful and hilarious conversations, and you get to see the delightful, healthy relationship between the celebrity hosts. This show so pure, and it just makes me happy.

Rituals- Alphonse Mucha, Christmas in America

Alphonse Mucha, Christmas in America

10. Creating Meaningful Rituals
Ritual is what elevates an ordinary event to a special one. It forges connection to culture, nature, community, and those we love.

During this time of year we are often burdened with doing things because of “tradition,” and these are so often traditions that fail to evoke joy or meaning to us as individuals. I want to encourage you to let go of what does not serve you, and to create rituals imbued with intention and meaning unique to you. Honor yourself, and the dead – there’s your New Year’s resolution. Blessings on your way.

Find Sarah Chavez: twitter // instagram

Sarah Jahier Of The Spooky Vegan: 10 Things Getting Me Through The Post-Halloween Blues

spooky vegan feature

November’s Ten Things is brought to us by Sarah E. Jahier (another Sarah Elizabeth, just like me!) of The Spooky Vegan, where she shares vegan eats and treats, her love of horror, Halloween, and all things spooky! I’ve been following her blog for many years now and I always love peeking in on her scary movie reviews, her thoughts on the newest and tastiest vegan snacks, and the fun and fascinating glimpses of her lovely home!

Today, Sarah shares with us 10 things that are getting her through the post-Halloween blues (an issue that I know many of us can relate to and will be dealing with for the next 353 days!)
Read more below!

1 Cozy clothes lularoe leggings1. Cozy clothes – After all the excitement and events of the Halloween season, all I want to do in November is curl up on the couch in some cozy clothes. I have a drawer full of Halloween socks and love wearing them as soon as the weather gets cool enough (current faves are my “Everyday is Halloween” socks by Cavity Colors.) A slouchy sweatshirt or one of my well-loved oversized t-shirts and some soft Halloween leggings (I love the super-soft ones by LuLaRoe) round out my lazy, couch-ready look.

2 Autumn perfumes seance perfumes2. Autumn perfumes – I love evoking the feeling of fall with the perfumes I wear. Right now I’m favoring Séance Perfumes’  All Hallows’ Eve scent (it was a limited Halloween 2018 release, along with the candle and room spray shown in the photo above, and unfortunately it is no longer available) as well as Bath Sabbath’s November Coming Fire, which smells like burning autumn leaves, and Hexcider, which smells like caramel apples.

3 Thanksgiving food - vegan pumpkin pie at Whole Foods3. Thanksgiving food – Mmmmm, give me all the vegan roasts, mashed potatoes, gravy, and pies this time of year! I have been looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday, where I cook up an all-vegan feast before binging on horror movies. This year I picked up a turkey-less roast from Trader Joe’s, lots of cranberry sauce, peas, sweet potatoes, and plan on roasting veggies and making mashed potatoes, along with a few other sides for Mister Spooky and myself. I’ll probably pick up a pre-made vegan pumpkin pie from Whole Foods, along with some So Delicious Coco Whip to top it with!

4 hello fall4. Longer nights and cooler temperatures – I adore this time of year when darkness creeps in earlier and earlier every day. For some reason longer nights make me feel cozier and much more comfortable. I think it helps that it getting darker sooner also means that the temperatures are starting to cool off which makes it finally feel like fall here in Southern California.

5 Shudder5. Shudder – I finally signed up for this horror streaming service (think Netflix, if it was just horror movies/series) a few months back, and its extensive selection of horror movies, series, and specials has been getting me through this November. I’m currently re-watching Channel Zero (such a good, underrated series) and recently enjoyed the Shudder-exclusive Terrified, which is an Argentinian horror film that was a total mindfuck!

6 Black Moon Cosmetics highlighters and lipsticks6. Black Moon Cosmetics Liquid to Matte Lipsticks – I adore all the products I’ve tried from Black Moon Cosmetics (they also have some divine highlighters, a few shown in the photo above), but my favorite product from them is their liquid to matte lipsticks. These lipsticks are the only ones I have found that work with my skin color, have real staying power, are comfortable to wear, come in stunningly unique colors, and are cruelty-free and vegan. My favorite for autumn has been their Eternal shade, which is a blackened rose gold and reminds me of the golden glow of fall.

7 Califia Farms Peppermint Mocha Cold Brew7. Califia Farms’ Peppermint Mocha Cold Brew – The rest of the year I only drink black coffee, but something happens to me during the holidays (gasp – is it holiday spirit?!) and I am all about festive flavors! I am usually more of a pumpkin spice fiend, but this dairy-free Peppermint Mocha Cold Brew from Califia Farms is becoming my fave!

8 A to Z Candles Halloween collection8. Candles and incense – I am obsessed with the fall-scented candles from A to Z Candles. I loved their unique Halloween collection (shown above), but recently I have been burning their Apple Cider Donuts and Caramel Apple candles, which are both incredible at evoking autumn scents. The company is woman-owned and operated, and their candles burn clean and long and fill my home with their spectacular scents. I also love Cellar Door Bath Supply Co.’s  candles (Lavender Pumpkin is a favorite) and Burke and Hare Co.’s candles (their whole goth line is incredible). When I’m not burning candles, I’m burning Bloodbath Products’ incense – my fave scent from this company is Absinthe and Sugar, which reminds me of Dia de Los Muertos altars and sugar skulls.

WIC9. Horror Podcasts – I love listening to podcasts year-round, but my post-Halloween blues have been soothed by some of my favorite horror podcasts. Mind you, I’m not talking about the ones that tell spooky stories, though I love those, too, but rather podcasts that cover current news in the genre along with discussions, interviews, and film reviews. My favorite horror podcasts in this vein include Shock Waves, Women in Caskets , Nightmare on Film Street, Queens of the Damned, Sirens of Scream, and Boys and Ghouls, and Faculty of Horror. Female voices in horror are of utmost importance to me, and these are all co-hosted or entirely hosted by women horror fans.

10 Planning Next Years Halloween10. Planning next year’s Halloween season – I already am dreaming of next year’s Halloween festivities, which will include attending all my favorite Halloween/horror conventions, haunts and events here in Southern California, but I’m also hoping to squeeze in some travel, hopefully to the East Coast – my number one bucket list destination is Haunted Overload  in New Hampshire.

Find Sarah aka The Spooky Vegan: website  // instagram // facebook  // twitter

All photos in today’s post are the property of Sarah Jahier/The Spooky Vegan, with the exception of the Women In Caskets podcast image.

Amanda Lynn Of Ghoulish Delights Bath Shop: 10 Things I’m Loving For Fall

Dark Autumn by Nelleke Pieters

October’s Ten Things is brought to us by Amanda Lynn of Ghoulish Delights Bath Shop. Amanda Lynn, a licensed Esthetician, blended her passions for skin care and horror in 2016 to create Ghoulish Delights Bath Shop, a venture melding science, nature and the macabre and which focuses on body and facial care with a dark twist. (Read more about Amanda in our Haute Macabre interview earlier this June!)

Today, Amanda shares with us her ten things she is loving for for fall. Read more below!

bonfire tea

  1. Tea

I joke that my life revolves around tea but it really does. There’s something therapeutic about it and I really get into it. Bitters, flavored sugars, elixirs, and whatever else I can find gets thrown into the mix. It’s my little sip of self care sitting patiently waiting for my tea to steep. I’m a huge fan of Adagio teas (they have killer autumn blends like Bonfire and Candy Apple). Adagio offers some of the best fandom teas created by others and their house blends are super tasty.  Why yes, I’d like t a tea inspired by Hobbits, please and thank you.

socks

  1. Wool Socks

Hear me out! They are majestic in their scratchy thickness and I literally wait all year to bust out my precious Russian handmade socks with robins and deer on them. They’re big and floppy and everything you’d hate about normal socks but for some reason they turn magical once those leaves start turning.

orb

  1. Eyeshadow

I barely wear makeup during the summer, so once it turns cool I feel energized and ready for some serious eyeshadow time. I’m currently loving the Rust Stack and The Gemini Palette by Melt Cosmetics and the Orb of Light Full Moon Palette by Black Moon Cosmetics. These have some of the best formulas around, plus they boast some serious fall color stories (which make my green eyes pop something fierce).

scary stories

  1. Scary Stories on YouTube

My mind goes 100 mph when I’m trying to sleep, so listening to scary stories via YouTube helps calm me down. I light candles, rev up the fake fireplace ,and hunker down to listen to collections that I randomly pick. Some are duds, some are nightmare inducing,  but I love the randomness of them. Bonus points if they have a video of thunderstorms playing while they narrate.

bbw candle

  1. Candles, all of them

I sadly admit I’m addicted to Bath and Body Work Candles. I can’t help myself. Give me all that pumpkin sweetness wafting into every crevice of my house (Pumpkin Pecan Waffles everything). I light candles daily but autumn makes me light up an additional 3 and saturate myself in pumpkin and dirt. My current favorites from small businesses are Sanctuary Candle Company’s Samhain, Witch City Wicks Sleepy Hollow, Laughing Crow Candle  Get Out  and Reel Life Candle Company Rick’s Garage.

farm.pumpkins.2013.sm_

  1. Local Farms

While I frequent my local farms all year, I get extra giddy when I see the corn fields being carved into mazes, acres of pumpkins, hot apple cider, and bumpy gourds. Being born and raised in Massachusetts, all of these things remind me of my childhood and make me feel both joyful and reminiscent. I look forward to these feelings every year and I’m always on the hunt for the perfect pumpkin or apple dumpling.

foxcroftfairgrounds5ml

  1. Perfume

I adore perfume and wear it every day, but some of my favorite blends just smell better when the leaves are orange. I layer Foxcroft Fairgrounds and Cellar by Solstice Scents pretty regularly during October. I’ll douse myself with Vlad Dracul by Sixteen92, Vampire Vanilla Bat by Nocturne Alchemy or The Old Hag With A Golden Spinning Wheel by Blooddrop. [EDIT: Blooddrop has closed, but you can find the perfumer’s new venture at Astrid Perfume!]

steeped offerings

  1. Facial Steams

My first run in with a facial steamer was when I was a teenager and my mom bought me this contraption from Conair that made my nostrils burn when I inhaled. Since then I’ve dialed it down and opt for a big bowl, a kettle, dried flowers and a fluffy towel. Towards the end of September my skin goes sideways and gets dry and lackluster from all summer’s abuses. I grab my bowl of herbs and spend 15 minutes inhaling the fragrant steam in my makeshift towel dome.

Adam Burke

  1. Art

My art purchases always spike during autumn when artists are creating beautiful and dark pieces that have all my favorite colors; burnt oranges, mossy greens, flecks of yellow, blood red smears, and dark, earthy browns. One of my favorite recent purchases was from Adam Burke called “Emergence,” which is perfect autumn in my eyes.

Night-of-the-Demons

  1. Horror Movie Parties

These evenings are some of my favorites as we gorge ourselves on horror-themed snacks while throwing our hands up as the protagonist trips yet again. It’s always fun to see what scares people and it’s such a great bonding experience. I love introducing people to new films and this is the perfect time to share the love of horror and tasty snacks. These evenings usually end with us playing horror VR games, screaming bloody murder, and high fiving each other for not tripping over the dog.  My watch lists usually include: The Possession, Scream, Young Frankenstein, The Exorcist, Wishing Stairs, Sinister, and Ju-on

Find Amanda Lynn and Ghoulish Delights: website // facebook // instagram

10 Things I Cannot Live Without: Nuri’s Picks

I had so much fun with last months “What I Can’t Live Without” feature that I decided to do a monthly column spotlighting my favorite people and some of their favorite things! This month’s 10 Things list is shared by Nuri McBride, a lovely friend with whom I share many passions and common interests, and whose enthusiasm, insights, and support have bolstered me immensely in the past year, with regard to my creative projects.Nuri writes beautifully and extensively at her own blog Death/Scent, which explores the fascinating world of fragrance & funerals. She is also a Contributor at Death and the Maiden.

10 things Nuri books

Books

I adore books (print, audio, and to a lesser extent, digital) and I could not live without them. Some of my most beloved authors are Neil Gaiman, Pablo Neruda, Umberto Eco, Michael Ondaatje and Margret Atwood. If I had to recommend a book from each it would be, in order, Anansi Boys, The Capitan’s Verses, The Name of the Rose, Anil’s Ghost, and a tie between The Handmaid’s Tale and Alias Grace. [Bonus: I listen to Neil Gaiman read Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol every December while baking gingerbread men. I highly recommend it for a chill afternoon.]

10 things Nuri comics

Image Comics

A lot of people write off comics as juvenile and banal but there are amazing things going on both art and story wise in comics these days and nowhere more than at Image Comics. Who would have thought a publisher started by illustrators that founded a venue in which creators get to keep their copyrights would produce such diverse and interesting stuff? #sarcasm My favourite titles are Fatale, Pretty Deadly, Saga, The Wicked + The Divine, Sex Criminals, and Chew.

10 things Nuri perfume

Perfume

I think Sarah and I bonded over our deep psychological need to smell like the Queen of Sheba. Picking one favourite out of my 300+ smell-babies would be impossible. However, I find myself reaching for Incense Avignon (Comme des Garcons), Incense Pure (Sonoma Scent Studio) Gypsy Water (Byredo) and Carnal Flower (Frederic Malle) the most these days.

10 things Nuri tapophile

Graveyards

I am a taphophile and I love to stroll in a good cemetery, it’s my happy place. You can learn a lot about a town and its people by visiting the local graveyard. Wherever I go in my travels there is always a day devoted to the nearby cemetery and I enjoy visiting the old and forgotten little pocket cemeteries of 20 or so graves that are tucked about my city. Some of my favourite places of rest in the world are Abney Park (London), Bonaventure Cemetery (Savannah), The Old Jewish Cemetery (Prague), South Park Street Cemetery (Kolkata) and the Cross Bones Graveyard (London)

10 things Nuri Avene

Avene Skincare

Skincare is super personal. My run-into-a-burning-house-to-save-it holy grail cream is Beauty of Joseon Dynasty Cream, but when Sarah Elizabeth tried it she hated it. I think 90% of skincare is knowing what your skin needs and giving it that and nothing more. As such I am not loyal to brands but to ingredients yet the one brand I use the most for both face and body is Avene. Avene is a French pharmacy brand hailed for its gentleness and sensitive skin preparations. Yes, I am one of those bougie women that spray their faces with Eau Thermale water and I swear by it for my last step in cleansing. I love their XeraCalm A.D Lipid Replenishing Cleansing Oil in the shower and follow it up with the Lipid-Replenishing Balm to keep my skin silky. Their Antirougeurs Mask is great if you find your face gets dry and inflamed. I use a touch of the Cicalfate Post-Procedure Cream on recovering skin from a cut or acne breakout to keep scaring at a minimum. I would also recommend their Mineral Mattifying Facial Sunscreen because it is SPF 50 and doesn’t break me out.

10 things Nuri podcast

Stories of Strange Women

Oh podcasts, they save me on long bus rides and when I’m out walking my dog and people want to talk to me. What would I do without them, be forced to speak with people! I’m a big fan of Oh No Ross & Carry, Sawbones, and Welcome to Night Vale but the podcast that I feel not enough people are listening to and they should be is Stories of Strange Women. As a strange woman myself it makes me happy to hear the Hurley Sisters, interviewing other weirdos about the circuitous paths and interesting lives they lead. I find it very inspiring.

10 things Nuri Critical Role

Critical Role

So, most people don’t know this about me but I’m a huge table top role-playing nerd. It’s a form of collective story-telling that both requires and develops advance social and communication skill like empathetic listening, conflict negotiation, and improvisation.  This idea that all D&D fans are shut-in young men with no social skills is nonsense. Sadly, getting my party in the same room on a weekly basis with jobs, partners, and babies is a tall order these days so I satisfy my craving for the theatre of the mind by watching Critical Role (available on YouTube, Twitch, Project Alpha, and as a Podcast). Critical Role is a show with professional voice actors being professional dorks. It’s my lunch date almost every day, and it makes me happy. I recommend starting with the second campaign.

10 things Nuri boardgames

Dark & Dreamy Cooperative Board Games

I believe firmly that Monopoly is the worst game in the world. Not only does it promote ruthless land speculation by the 1% it also has shitty game mechanics that will lead to players getting eliminated long before the game is done so only the person that wins really has any fun. Isn’t Capitalism a hoot kids? I much prefer cooperative games were the players must work together. These games make sure everyone has a good time right and you might actually learn something about your friends. If the game is artistic and a bit spooky even better. While not a true co-op game Dixit is a magical card game everyone should have. It requires you to think empathetically about how your other players would interpret dream-like images. Mysterium is like Clue and Dixit had a baby in a haunted house. Betrayal at House on the Hill starts off co-operative before one of the players is revealed as a defector and you all need to battle against them and their unclean legions. If you like games with a lot of chance, the dice rolling Elder Sign is a personal favourite as is its big bother (we are going to be here for 5 hours minimum) Arkham Horror, both set in the Cthulhu Mythos.

10 things Nuri eye gloss

Butter London Eye Gloss

When it comes to makeup I’m a cream kind of gal. Cream lipstick, cream blush, cream highlight. I don’t really use powder and maybe that’s why I’m so crap at doing my eye makeup. But I always look cute in Butter London Eye Glosses. They are pudding-like shadows that go on beautifully and blend out great with just your finger. Plus, they stay put and don’t feel sticky. I throw on some liner and mascara and I’m done. Spark and Oil Slick are my go-to shades.

10 things Nuri gdt

The Films of Guillermo Del Toro

There are some creative people that just make the world a better place, not because they dress it up in ribbons and bows but through their stories of monsters and devils they show us something of ourselves and make us better people. That’s how I feel about Guillermo Del Toro’s work. Unlike some other directors beloved for their fantasy settings that are all style and no substance, Del Toro is using fairy tales to process the trauma of war, the terror of patriarchal love and the inhumanity of institutions that turn men into monsters. I highly suggest watching the Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth back to back as they are set in the same world just a few years apart and are part of an eventual trilogy based about the unprocessed trauma of the Spanish Civil War. Crimson Peak and the Shape of Water feel like precious jewels to me. Also, I adored the novelisation of the Shape of Water which delved deeper into the characters and the themes of the movie. You should read it.

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“What I Can’t Live Without”

Julius Bramanto, Market Maiden

I have a confession: I’m a little bit obsessed with celebrity shopping, and the things famous people purportedly “can’t live without”. Amongst other outlets which probably report on such crucial issues, NY Mag has a recurring column about this very thing, and from this I can find out what kind of stuff that notable individuals such as Salman Rushdie or Tituss Burgess or Rupaul love– from the luggage they travel with (and they all seem to have an opinion on luggage) to the superior $50 toothpaste they use, or even learn that they buy bulk Shirataki noodles (ew!) and Crystal Light (really??) and Glade plug-ins. Wow. I mean, what’s the point of even being rich if you are still buying Glade Plug-ins?

I remember thinking, when I was younger, that I wish someone would ask ME what I couldn’t live without. At the time it was this horrifyingly green, kiwi-flavored gloop from The Body Shop called “Born Lippy”, which apparently they still sort of sell, but at a deep discount; probably because it’s really gross and no one ever buys it anymore. It turns out that in the span of time since that initial musing, no one, ever, not even once, as asked me what I can’t live without. Can you believe it? Super rude, right? To be passed up for such a thing?

I decided I’m not waiting any longer, and I’ll share with you right now the ten things I love and can’t live without (in no particular order). Take that, NY Mag! One day you’ll be sorry that you overlooked this lady and her goldmine of interesting stuff!

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1. My feet are always cold, so I’m perpetually on the hunt for super cute socks. Featured here are my current faves, some Totoro socks, found on Amazon.

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2. Dermalogica Ultra Calming products. I know I’ve mentioned this several times before, but it’s taken a while to find something that (mostly) works for my skin, and works mostly consistently. Somewhere in my mid-30’s, my skin went from being slightly oily but mostly well-behaved to very sensitive, easily irritated, and red/inflamed and kind of a pain in the ass. I’ve found a few things over the years that seemed to work well…until they didn’t. The Dermalogica line is one I have been using for two years now and seems to do the best job that it can.

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3. Vanity Fair high cut briefs. I have the occasional fancy bra & panty set, but for the most part, my unmentionables are not something I need to be bothered with. I want black, I want bulk quantities, and I want to reach into my underwear drawer in the dark and know that every time I am going to get exactly what I want. I also sometimes want to go twenty days without going laundry, so I buy A LOT of these things at once.

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4. Punjammies from Sudara. I have a weird relationship with pajamas. I love the bottom portion, but the top portion feels like it’s trying too hard. Or maybe I feel like I’m trying too hard when I wear a full pajama set. I’m just not that person. I feel like pajama people probably use their planners religiously and are super serious about scrubbing their toliets. Nope, not me! I usually end up wearing pajama bottoms and a favorite, worn-in oversized tee to bed at night, and in a weird instance of actually being interested in a Facebook advertisement a few years ago, I learned of the sari pajama pants from Sudara, a company who has a really good story, and whose products I ended up loving so much that by now I have four or five pairs.

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5. While I would not say I am candle-obsessed, I am certainly fragrance obsessed, and ever since moving away from my childhood home (which smelled like an unfortunate combination of cat-pee and cigarette smoke) I vowed I would always have living space that smelled nice. And the Baies candle from Diptyque is the nicest smelling candle I have ever had. “The scent of a bouquet of roses sweetened with black currant leaves” is how it is described, and it’s kinda weird, because I don’t typically like rose-scented items, but this is a fresh, ghostly rose, and if I could only have one candle for the rest of my life, this would be it.

 

Dracula and Rebecca

6. Dracula by Bram Stoker and Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. There are few few books that I can read over and over and over again, but these two are definitely at the top of the list. The cover art shown here graces the copies I have on my shelf, though I am ashamed to say that the Dracula book I have also contains Frankenstein– and I have never read Frankenstein all the way through. I am especially sorry to admit this to those whom Frankenstein might be on your “I can read this book over and over” list.

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7. Interesting jewelry. Ever since I was a small child, dressing up in my grandmother’s costume jewelry, shiny adornments were very important to me. I figured no matter how plain and boring you might feel in the faded Sanibel Island tourist tee shirt that your mother made you wear to school that day, the opal pendant you swiped from your Mawga’s jewel box and which secretly hung beneath the cheap cotton material made you feel glamorous and special, and very, very, pretty. I put it back, FYI. I felt awfully guilty about that. I have a roving eye when it comes to gems and treasures, but some of my favorite artisans are Flannery Grace Good, Chase & Scout, bloodmilk, and Arcana Obscura, and I am rarely without a trinket or talisman from at least one of these jewelers on my person.

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8. Perfumes. I realize these itemizations are going slowly going from very specific product recommendations to more open-ended concepts, but as a further to no. 5 on this list, I well and truly could not live without perfumes and fragrances for reasons I have written about here and which I further discuss here. I am always trying new things and finding new scents to love, and here is a grouping of both recent favorites and long-time beloveds: The Holy Mountain by Apoteker Tepe (discontinued), Comme des Garçons ‘Series 3 Incense: Kyoto, Morocco from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, and Laveau from Seance perfumes (I know this is a photo of Dearly Departed, but it’s what I had to work with!)

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9. A black tee shirt. Or, well, several dozen, if you peek into my drawers. (I write more on this, here.) A black tee and jeans/skirt is my basic uniform, and if I am not wearing that I’m probably wearing a black tunic/dress and leggings. I especially love when my favorite artists produce wearable versions of their creations and I’m always quick to grab one. This tee from Bill Crisafi, however, was a gift that someone else grabbed for me. Thank you, BGF, you know me so well!

honeycrisp

10. Honey Crisp apples. Wow, what a boring thing to talk about, right? But I was wracking my brains to think if there was anything I ate everyday, and food is a super important part of any list that I might be a part of, or putting together. And it’s true, I do eat an apple every day. I generally don’t care for fruit because I don’t have much of a sweet tooth. Apples, for whatever reason, are the only fruits I can tolerate, and the honey crisp ones are my favorites. I eat them because I figure even if I’m making horrible nutritional choices the rest of the day, well, at least I ate an apple? Also, I read that apples are helpful for those who experience acid reflux, something about them being a good source of calcium, magnesium, and potassium, and it is thought that the alkalizing minerals may help relieve symptoms of acid reflux. Are you also a boring old broad who suffers from this affliction? Aside from medications (which is really a last resort for me in any situation), how do you remedy this?

Becky Munich

Bonus material! I asked my partner what he thought were some of the things I couldn’t live without, and his responses were so perfect. I guess he knows me pretty well.

  • Art . Aw, man, how could I forget that? Pictured above are some strange florals I just purchased from Becky Munich
  • Rainy, gloomy days.
  • Spooky stories. I told him I already listed Dracula and Rebecca, and he was like, “who’s Rebecca?” O_O
  • Popcorn. YES! This is my anti-apple treat. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
  • Polyvore (RIP). Or sites that let me play with fashion that I can’t afford. Right now it’s URSTYLE
  • Music. Right now it’s the Atomic Blonde soundtrack, and I’m sure he’s heard me singing aloud I Ran by A Flock Of Seagulls for weeks now

I’m thinking of making this a regular column and perhaps harassing some of my favorite people to tell me about their favorite things! What do you all think?