FRIENDS. I am trying so hard.

I really want to hear what all the rest of you are hearing. I’ve never been a huge Taylor Swift fan, but it’s not like I …don’t…not…like her? But what totally fucked everything up for me and closed my mind to the wonders of Folklore that you’re all singing the praises of, was just…well, she’s singing about this old cardigan, right? I’m sure that conjures all kinds of old-cardigan imagery for all kinds of people and I am not saying that there is ONE OLD CARDIGAN TO RULE THEM ALL, but come on. Your video stylist really did you dirty, Taylor Swift. Because this is NOT the old grandpa-handknit-cabled-pilling- mothball smelling-cottagecore old cardigan that we deserve.

This is like…80’s movie Chad’s varsity tennis cardigan, bleached as white as his stupid expensive bleached asshole, probably. Are varsity and tennis two words that even go together? This is how far removed I am from that world, I guess?

SO when Chad Mc80sMovie Bleached-Asshole Esquire III’s freshly laundered Ralph Lauren tennis sweater apparated onto that piano bench …basically…this is when I stopped listening.

What I find even more offensive is that you can actually purchase this very same cardigan. NO! This is not the cardigan you are looking for, Taylor Swift! You want some version of this one, except you don’t want to have paid full price for it, or bought it new, or even have bought it at all. You want to have inherited it from your sleepy Pop-Pop on your mother’s side. You want to have scrounged it out of someone’s weekend yard sale, you want to have stolen it from your ex. This cardigan should have memories and dreams and the past woven into it along with dog hair and whiskers and toast crumbs.

If you’re gonna wrap yourself in something warm and cozy after a hazy trip to the watery interior of Pianolandia, there are way better vessels to cocoon yourself in. It doesn’t have to be my suggestion, but for god’s sake, don’t let it be the one featured in this video.

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