Unquiet
Things

Last week I resigned myself to paying $5.99 for the privilege of watching 2018’s Suspiria film on Amazon. When I first heard about the remake, what feels like ages ago now, I struggled with the idea of it. The original holds a special, lurid, hyper-saturated place in my heart, and though I’d only seen it once and didn’t recall many of the details, I held its memory close, a hazy, disturbing delight.

The more I began to hear about this new version, though–the swoony addition of Tilda Swinton to the cast, the eerie soundtrack by Thom Yorke, the sharp focus on the art and ritual of the dancing, itself–the more intrigued I grew. I’ve a funny relationship with reboots of beloved stories, anyway; part of me always wants more of a thing I adore, but the other part of me is skeptical that you can really bring anything new or more perfect to the table, where these beloved celluloid favorites are concerned. I was conflicted, as I am sure many folks, were, but I’d heard enough hints and whispers and seen enough teasers to allow myself to become convinced.

Well. I won’t spoil anything for you, but I did not love this new Suspiria. It’s as if they took the parts and pieces from the old Suspiria that the film didn’t really focus on or spend much time examining or exploring: the dancing, for instance; the era, the current events at the time, a good look at the witches and their intentions, maybe even the city of West Berlin itself. And they somehow took all of these elements, which could rightfully be very fascinating – – I understand why someone would want to take them and play them up or play them against each other – – but they somehow made them all very seem very dull.

So much was I not enjoying all of these, in fact, that it took me about three hours to slog through the first bland fifty minutes, and three days later when I tried to pick up where I left off, I became aware of Amazon’s rental policy wherein once a movie is rented, it is only available for three days. So I was cut off before I even had a chance to finish it! But…that’s OK. I had seen enough.

I will say, though, the one character I was rooting for was Dr. Klemperer’s omnipresent cheese sandwich, which stole the scene in at least two instances, and for all I know, could have saved the entire film (had I been able to finish watching it.) Thanks for that, Amazon. Anyway, little cheese sammie–as far as I am concerned, you were the star of the show!

For as perfect as the original film was, it surely did not boast a cheese sandwich!