I don’t know what I can even say about this interview up over at Haute Macabre this week with the brilliant, extraordinary Han of Handsome Devil’s Puppets. It’s so special to me for so many reasons .Just read it! Maika and I worked very hard on it and I hope it will be the first of many such collaborative interviews in the future.
If you are a fragrance-fiend or have a passion for perfume, chances are you are familiar with Angela St. John and her wildly imaginative aromatic enchantments at Solstice Scents. Angela is brilliant at bottling atmospheres, and creates original, ingenious fragrances by illustrating new worlds, abstract concepts and experiences in an olfactive format.
It was through Angela’s perfumed portrayal of a handful of delectable gourmand concepts, that I, a former enemy of the entire family of foodie-fragrances, finally started becoming less hostile toward, for example, chocolate-, cakey, honey- or caramel-forward scents! And though no doubt it is due to her skilled artistry as a perfumer, evoking imagery of these delicious treats through her molecular smell-sorcery (or smell-science, depending on how you think about these things), she is also an extraordinarily gifted story-teller–through both her fragrances and their accompanying narratives, she crafts scented spaces, places, and times that utterly delight and transport.
I have gotten to know Angela over the years, and she, herself, is a delight! We geek out over perfumes and cocktails, smelling-notes and tasting-notes, and it’s a top-priority bucket-list item to actually get a chance to sit down with her and swoon over these things in person. Few things give me more joy than communing with a kindred spirit, and I definitely consider Angela one such like-minded soul.
Speaking of things that bring us joy…! Our Ten Things Installment this month is Angela’s ten things that bring her joy, and I don’t know about you, but I have had a Very Bad Week, and I could certainly use a bit of that elusive joy right now. And for those among you up north, enduring your umpteenth snow storm–I remember what it was like to live in that weather, and how, by the time February rolls around, it feels like winter has persisted for 100 years and it will be winter and snow and cold and misery eternally, forever. I’ll bet you could also use some some ideas and items for your rituals and practice of coping stress and sadness, and some tools for mental wellness and peace. Some things to bring some light and joy into your heart…or your ears, or nose, or whatever works for you! See below and bliss out to some of Angela’s suggestions.
1. Golden Lotus Electric Incense Heater
I enjoy burning resins and woods within my home for a variety of reasons: mental, spiritual/intentional and for the sheer pleasure of being enveloped in the aromatics. While I enjoy smoldering resins on charcoal, this method often creates a fumigating level of smoke in the room. For a more subtle experience that generates less smoke and loads of fragrance, utilizing an electric warmer for resins, oud, sandalwood chips and so on creates a beautiful olfactory setting for your sacred space. You have control over the temperature so you may set it higher for resins or slightly lower for woods and dried botanical blends.
I’ve had my warmer for many years and use it frequently. I highly recommend Katlyn’s Dragon’s Tears and Kyphi to go with the warmer. Her resins and palo santo are also of the highest quality.
2. Shoyeido Nokiba (Moss Garden) incense sticks
On the topic of incense, Shoyeido Nokiba is my top favorite incense stick and my daily burn. It is a gorgeous natural blend of aromatic woods and plants. I collect incense from all over the world but prefer the Japanese style for its fragrant expression and the lower smoke production from its Tibetan or Indian counterparts. I’ve tried a variety of blends from several of the top Japanese houses and this particular one remains my favorite. I always start my day with a stick of Nokiba and foresee this ritual to continue for as long as Nokiba is in production. The affordable price tag makes it an easy daily practice to indulge in.
This highly effective and convenient blend of plant allies lovingly assists with the pain associated with our moon times. I make my own blend for myself featuring cramp bark as the main active paired with skullcap, mints, marshmallow root and more, but I have tried and highly recommend the “Moon Ease” blend if you do not have a connection with a local herbalist or do not already make your own blend.
4. Healthyline TAO Inframat Pro – Far Infrared Gemstone therapy mat:
I am linking to an extensive article that I wrote on this far infrared therapy (FIR) mat for anyone interesting in learning more. Over the years, I’ve introduced many aspects of vibrational therapy/energy healing into my life as an overall protocol to reduce stress/lower cortisol levels, heal mind and body and instill a sense of peace in my daily life. I utilize many different tools from sound therapy (see #5), aromatherapy, crystal therapy/gem essences, flower essences and FIR. I have both a full size FIR mat for the whole body and a few small mats for my office chair and bedroom.
FIR is able to get hotter than and penetrate deeper than traditional heating pads. I use this during my moon time to ease pain, for sore back and muscles and for general mood lifting and relaxing. The FIR passes through the pounds of gemstones (amethyst, tourmaline ceramic and obsidian) and emits negative ions which have been shown to lift the mood. I utilize my large mat everyday while reading, journaling or napping and also use it as a sauna since the mat comes with a Mylar space blanket and can reach up to approximately 140 degrees Fahrenheit. I enjoy laying the small TAO mat across my stomach when winding down after dinner to help digest and relax before bed. The warmth is extremely relaxing and I absolutely cannot do without it as a part of my daily ritual. It’s especially great to do crystal body layouts while laying on the large mat and it is an excellent place to meditate as well.
The link above will take you to one of my favorite examples of singing bowls and sound therapy. I recommend that you use headphones, if you have them available, in order to experience being submerged in the sound and to feel the vibrations going through your body.
Sound therapy covers a whole host of techniques under the wider umbrella of vibrational therapy/energy healing modality. It focuses on utilizing sound through either instruments or vocal toning to affect change on a mental, spiritual and physical level. A theory exists that vibrational frequencies can affect the crystalline structure of water both positively and detrimentally (see Masaru Emoto’s work). As beings primarily made up of water, vibrations imbued with loving intention can perhaps change our very makeup. I utilize sound therapy to “raise my vibration” and ahead of meditation to help quiet the mind and instill a sense of peace and calm. It is an excellent way to reduce stress, stimulate the pineal gland, plant seeds of intention, affect our energetic biofields (auras) and become closer to source. Vibrational medicine utilizes tools previously mentioned in this article to restore harmonic resonance as one component of holistic healing. I use a variety of instruments in my sound healing practice: crystal singing bowls, Tibetan singing bowls, solfeggio tuning forks, Koshi chimes, ocean drum, Native American flute, tingsha cymbals, rain stick, drums and so on. My favorite tools to affect a dramatic change in mental state are the singing bowls and tuning forks.
If you wish to learn more about sound therapy, check out the work of Jonathan Goldman and one of my top favorite books on the subject by Eileen McKusick, Tuning the Human Biofield. I feel the most effective way to experience sound healing is to work with the instruments yourself, or attend a live sound healing if there are practitioners in your area, as you can really feel the vibrations of them in “live” format. There are many beautiful videos for free on Youtube to begin exploring the soundscape. The hang drum/hand pan and gongs are other examples of otherwordly and beautiful instruments that are wonderful for sound healing. The subject is complex and contains many other modalities and topics such as Rife frequencies, binaural beats, chanting, vocal toning and more to affect your vibration.
6. The Magic of I astrological planner
Never will I ever be without this incredible planner for as long as they continue to make it. What a game changer. I adore the format, the correspondence information, the areas for intention setting and working with the moon and the aesthetic. It is the perfect planner for me. I use mine to journal, record daily tarot and oracle pulls and set weekly, monthly and yearly intentions – and record their progress with the full moon. I use a planner from Open Sea Design Co. that I purchased at the Haute Macabre store for work tasks, to-do lists and so on but the Magic of I planner is solely for spiritual and journaling purposes. I have a more in depth review on my Instagram here, for those interested.
7. Craft Bitters, especially the Palo Santo Bitters from Dram Apothecary
I love craft cocktails and specifically enjoy unusual bitters, liqueurs and infusions. The palo santo bitters taste exactly like palo santo smells. I love anything and everything palo santo. I’ll take these straight up as a digestive stimulant because I love the taste. I also enjoy them in water, tea (especially the Juniper Ridge Douglas Fir Tips tea) and with Breckenridge Bourbon Whiskey or St. George Spirits Terroir Gin. I also enjoy the Bar Keep Lavender bitters with vanilla bean infused vodka or as an addition to blueberry moonshine. The lavender fragrance and aroma is very strong, like lavender essential oil! A bonus craft cocktail favorite of mine is the Royal Rose Organic Rose Syrup; It is amazing with a London dry gin such as No. 3 Gin but pairs wonderfully with a variety of spirits and teas.
8. Antimony perfume by House of Matriarch
I enjoy many of Christi’s perfumes but Antimony stole my heart from the start. We participated with Christi in a project for Cafleurebon called “Project Talisman”. Antimony was Christi’s submission for the project. It is a natural blend comprised of 111 essences. It’s just a stunning fragrance that dries down to the most luxurious and narcotic dragon’s blood type of aroma. I have a more detailed review here
9. Acorn cookies from Glorious Forest Apothecary
I was hesitant to include this on the list as she does not currently have a batch opening advertised on her site, so if you want to try these amazing cookies you may not be able to until the end of the year. However, I loved them so much and they were a highlight of 2018 for me so here they are. These gluten free cookies are made with the nut meat of white oak acorns that Glorious Forest processes herself. The flavor is similar to gingerbread, without any additional spices or molasses to provide that classic flavor. They are slightly nutty and very buttery. They were just such a special niche food experience and I am dying to get my hands on more! They are especially wonderful paired with her very low sugar Elderberry Jam or with Heidi’s Raspberry Farm’s Lavender Raspberry Jam (which really should be its own favorite on this Ten Things list!)
10. ILNP’s Sirene multichrome polish:
I love polish, especially multichrome’s and holographic polish. Out of the 100+ bottles in my collection, Sirene has to be my top favorite. It is a jewel tone multichrome polish that flashes from teal to dark purple to emerald green. It does require three thin coats with a lot of dry time between coats 2 and 3, but I think it is absolutely worth it for the end result. I usually apply the first coat in the evening, which dries very quickly, then the second and wait until the next morning to apply the third. I prefer not to use a fast drying top coat due to damage they’ve caused my nails, but you may opt to go that route. This color is just mesmerizing, like the chatoyancy you experience in a really saturated flashy labradorite.
Find Solstice Scents: website // instagram // facebook // twitter
A gathering of death related links that I have encountered in the past month or so. From somber to hilarious, from informative to creepy, here’s a snippet of things that have been reported on or journaled about in or related to the Death Industry recently.
This time last year: Links of the Dead {February 2018} | {February 2017} | {February 2016}
💀A Whale’s Afterlife
💀How To Widow
💀Valentine’s Day When You’re Grieving
💀What Medical School Doesn’t Teach About Death
💀Letters To The Dead: Shadow Writing For Grief And Release
💀See a Rare Visualization of Grief in the Art of Jennifer Rodgers
💀Play This At My Funeral: Interview With Jezebel Jones Of Bye Bye Banshee
💀Once forgotten, this historic African American cemetery now houses a poignant memorial.
💀Academy Award-nominated film ‘End Game’ examines end-of-life care
💀A reminder that our definition of death is man-made.
💀Why you never really die: A microbiologist explains all the ways the body lives on
Moncler 4 Simone Rocha Fall 2019 Ready To Wear: a collection that gently encourages you to take off for the deepest, darkest wood you can reach on foot, and then, after catching your breath and spending a moment to locate just the right spot on the mossy forest floor, beneath a shadowy elm, near a patch of violets or lady’s mantle, you can take off your coat–which doubles as a luxe down comforter, or a satiny quilt, or your Aunt Franny’s ruffled heirloom coverlet–and have a lovely lie down. Sweetest dreams, fashion plates.
I have been fascinated with the powerful symbolism and deep sense of spirit, energy, and connection in Rik Garrett‘s art, since maybe even before the release of his incredible Earth Magic book (from which a stunning Witches Sabbath print sits on a shelf in my office and delights my dark, wild, secret heart every day) so it was such a thrill to catch up with him about his recent work and inspirations for our interview over at Haute Macabre this week!
Inspired by magic, myth and folklore, Bye Bye Banshee is Jezebel Jones’ musical project exploring death and grieving from a feminine perspective, and I was beyond thrilled that she took the time to chat with me and share both her vision and music with Haute Macabre readers!
In a recent music roundup, I briefly mentioned that Bye Bye Banshee’s Deathfolk Magic was in constant rotation in my home and described its sound thusly:
“…is the ghostly melody, hushed and humming softly, ominously, as your rocker creaks a rickety midnight lullaby on the rotted wooden floorboards of a ramshackle cabin. Sleepless at the swamp’s edge, you rock, slowly, steadily on, shrouded in darkness, a shotgun slung across your lap. A loon’s mournful, wavering cry almost obscures a slithering rustle through the tall grass just beyond the crumbling front porch steps, and imagining cold, reptilian eyes, pitiless and patient, watching your vigil this night, you shudder, a moan trapped low in your throat. I’m not sure that’s exactly what Jezebel Jones was singing about, I mean it probably wasn’t… but her haunted, husky warble is so hypnotic and evocative you’ll forgive me for letting my imagination run away with me.”
I didn’t expect that my fleeting but fanciful take on the album would generate such spirited interest and such a grand flurry of questions, but in light of curiosity piqued and excitement aroused, I thought it only fair that we take a deeper dive into both the haunting music and its enduring themes, and better get to know the gifted musician responsible for its creation.
See below for a thoughtful, revealing, and deliciously life-affirming chat with Jezebel Jones, an eclectic songwriter who mixes americana, jazz, classical and rock to create genre-defying music that is unique, emotive and socially conscious. Bye Bye Banshee is her musical project exploring death and grieving from a feminine perspective. It seeks to undo some of the fear associated with dying and to acknowledge death’s purpose and place in our lives. Inspired by magic, myth and folklore, Bye Bye Banshee employs a unique blend of styles to create a musical memento mori, a remembrance that life is fleeting and the mysteries of death will embrace us all.
And should you require a sonic companion for our interview, Jezebel Jones and Bye Bye Banshee have generously shared an exclusive Deathfolk Magic download link for Haute Macabre readers!
Haute Macabre: Please tell us about the name and concept of your musical project, Bye Bye Banshee.
Jezebel Jones: The concept started to come together about five years ago when I was living in Texas, but the seeds were planted earlier, when I lost my house (and nearly my life) in a fire back in 2010. The experience forced me to wake up….and I started writing a song or two about death. But the new music seemed to have a life of its own and so I created a side project of all death-themed songs because that’s what was inspiring me at the time. Death is a muse, I guess. The Bye Bye Banshee name itself emerged from my subconscious. I’d been researching Irish banshee folklore and I’m a sucker for alliteration and sing-songy repetition, so…
Your music is crafted with “myth, magic, and folklore”–I’d love to hear about your inspirations in this vein, where they began, how they took hold, and how they’ve informed your worldview and songwriting?
When I was younger, I was very afraid of death due to the link between death and the devil, a link that was created by many sermons of damnation, “scary” end-of-times propaganda films, even the Bible itself. Since I’m no longer an evangelical Christian, I wanted to explore other folklore and myths and see if I could discover a new way to look at death that was less fear-based and more inclusive. Living in south Texas kicked off my intensive research phase – I began learning and participating in different cultural approaches to death, including the beautiful customs around the Mexican holiday, Día de los Muertos. Often song lyrics just flow out of me–like magic–but those seeds are planted during research, physical experience and reflection. I feel transformed by the process of writing and performing this music; I hope people will feel comforted and transformed by listening to it.
I often check the tags on places like last.fm to see how a certain musician is classified (and I’ll admit, the weirder and lengthier the tag, the more excited I get!) I know that some reviewers and listeners might tag you as #americana, #folk, or #truedetective (!!) How might you classify your music? Gimme some hashtags!
Great but difficult question! Hmmm…maybe…. #psychfolkrock #playthisatmyfuneral #weirdmusicforweirdpeople #creepybeautifulsongs #dirgeAF
Your latest album, Deathfolk Magic, boasts an incredible cover. Just absolutely lovely, the colors, the sense of place and atmosphere, and that gorgeous dress! What can you share about that photoshoot, about that day, about the feelings you were attempting to evoke with that imagery?
Awww, thank-you. Sure, first of all, I have to give props to my photographer friend Lars Kommienezuspadt. He’s just an incredible artist and loves–and gets–my music. We were going for a very earth-goddess vibe for the shoot. He came up with the perfect location, a long-abandoned munitions factory in rural Minnesota; we both brought props including my favorite animal skull and his adorable tarantula–she was a rock star! It was cold and rainy the day of the shoot and we decided to just go for it–I’m glad we did because the sky was moody and perfect. The vintage silk chiffon dress was an amazing find at a Seattle thrift store years before–I think I paid less than $15 for it–can you believe that? I’ve always had thrift store magic…
And of course Deathfolk Magic is more than just a beautiful album cover; it includes four eerie elegies examining death from a feminine, pagan perspective: “If I Die In My Dreams,” “Bye Bye Banshee,” “Psychopomps,” and “Skull Rattles”. These songs explore ideas ranging from our fear of death being linked to our fear of the Devil, to an expression of gratitude to spirit guides surrounding and comforting dying persons as they transition into the land of the dead, and a celebration of natural burial as our final gift to the earth. How do your beliefs, feminist, pagan, or otherwise, aid, or assist or even inspire you in writing/singing about themes generally considered melancholy, mysterious, or morbid (which is a term I personally hate to use but I know that lots of people might view these subjects in such a way!)
Wow–grappling with this a bit. My beliefs aren’t rigid anymore, though I find myself drawn to paganism and Wiccan ritual. I’m agnostic I guess (don’t believe in a deity, per se), but open to exploring our spiritual connections, including our connection to the earth and other animals. It saddens me that in much of the Western world, people avoid having conversations about death because we’ve been raised to fear it. Avoidance doesn’t change the fact that we are all going to die; addressing mortality in a healthy way reduces pain and suffering and can encourage us to live more fully. Bye Bye Banshee uses primarily female characters to tell these stories because I believe in the power of women to change our world. As a side note, I’ve always been a “morbid” child and was obsessed with murder mysteries, the supernatural and mortality for as long as I can remember. This project brought me back to some of my childhood interests.
Bye Bye Banshee participates in–and supports–the Death Positive movement. Can you tell us what death positivity means to you and your craft?
I think death positivity means addressing mortality in a healthy manner. For some, this may mean educating yourself on death and grief, asserting your rights by creating a will or health care directive, and/or simply by promoting conversations about end of life with friends and loved ones. For me personally, the exploration that went into the writing process freed me from some of my former beliefs and opened up my mind to other possibilities. I hope the music will make listeners FEEL something…whether it’s a feeling of fright (“If I Die in My Dreams”), peacefulness (“Psychopomps”) or surrender (“Skull Rattles”); there was a lot of emphasis on capturing emotions during the recording process.
If someone wanted to do some “further reading” regarding the idea and issues covered in Deathfolk Magic –both general and specific–what books/films/music/art/? might you point them toward?
If someone is interested in the overall topic, a good place to start might be the Order of the Good Death website or checking out Caitlin Doughty’s books or Ask-a-Mortician videos on YouTube. If you’re more interested in the folklore–and/or social justice–aspect, I’d recommend following death positive activist Sarah Chavez on Twitter or Instagram. Finally, if you’re seriously interested in banshee folklore, I’d recommend tracking down the book, The Banshee by Patricia Lysaght. It’s pretty scholarly but is full of facts and stories of the Irish death messenger.
Can you tell us about any upcoming projects? Appearances? Tour dates? What’s next for Jezebel Jones and Bye Bye Banshee?
Well, I just moved to Nashville recently, so I’ve been busy trying to get settled here. But I’m writing a lot of new music, too, mostly for my main project (Jezebel Jones). This new music is rebellious, female-focused and powerful…while it’s still heavily influenced by bluegrass, country and blues, it’s definitely more rock and roll. I have most of the songs written for the upcoming record, which I’ll be recording sometime this year. The plan is to hit the road this summer/fall to support the new album, including dates in Europe for both Jezebel Jones and Bye Bye Banshee. For the latter, I’ve put together a theatre-style show format that includes 12 songs woven together by spoken word pieces. Looking forward to 2019!
Find Jezebel Jones and Bye Bye Banshee: Website // Facebook // Instagram // Twitter
categories: music, unquiet things
Feel Nothing by Health | Glass Candy by Naked City | Bury A Friend by Billie Eilish | Alone Together by Ritual Howls | Concerning The White Horse by Jozef Van Wissem & Jim Jarmusch | Gorgon Madonna by Yugen Blakrok | We Appreciate Power by Grimes | Buried In The Sand by HÆlos | Hope Is A Dangerous Thing For A Woman Like Me To Have But I Have It by Lana Del Rey | Be Still, My Tongue by Snorri Hallgrímsson | Burning Sea (feat. Tomasz Mreńca) by Daniel Spaleniak | Adorations by Burial Hex
categories: unquiet things
Last week I resigned myself to paying $5.99 for the privilege of watching 2018’s Suspiria film on Amazon. When I first heard about the remake, what feels like ages ago now, I struggled with the idea of it. The original holds a special, lurid, hyper-saturated place in my heart, and though I’d only seen it once and didn’t recall many of the details, I held its memory close, a hazy, disturbing delight.
The more I began to hear about this new version, though–the swoony addition of Tilda Swinton to the cast, the eerie soundtrack by Thom Yorke, the sharp focus on the art and ritual of the dancing, itself–the more intrigued I grew. I’ve a funny relationship with reboots of beloved stories, anyway; part of me always wants more of a thing I adore, but the other part of me is skeptical that you can really bring anything new or more perfect to the table, where these beloved celluloid favorites are concerned. I was conflicted, as I am sure many folks, were, but I’d heard enough hints and whispers and seen enough teasers to allow myself to become convinced.
Well. I won’t spoil anything for you, but I did not love this new Suspiria. It’s as if they took the parts and pieces from the old Suspiria that the film didn’t really focus on or spend much time examining or exploring: the dancing, for instance; the era, the current events at the time, a good look at the witches and their intentions, maybe even the city of West Berlin itself. And they somehow took all of these elements, which could rightfully be very fascinating – – I understand why someone would want to take them and play them up or play them against each other – – but they somehow made them all very seem very dull.
So much was I not enjoying all of these, in fact, that it took me about three hours to slog through the first bland fifty minutes, and three days later when I tried to pick up where I left off, I became aware of Amazon’s rental policy wherein once a movie is rented, it is only available for three days. So I was cut off before I even had a chance to finish it! But…that’s OK. I had seen enough.
I will say, though, the one character I was rooting for was Dr. Klemperer’s omnipresent cheese sandwich, which stole the scene in at least two instances, and for all I know, could have saved the entire film (had I been able to finish watching it.) Thanks for that, Amazon. Anyway, little cheese sammie–as far as I am concerned, you were the star of the show!
For as perfect as the original film was, it surely did not boast a cheese sandwich!
categories: bookish
For the winter holidays this past year I suggested to my baby sister that if she wanted to get me something in addition to the planner that you’ve all heard so much about recently, why not one of her very favorite books? The sort of comfort read that she might return to year after year, savor time and time again. She presented me with Rosamunde Pilcher’s Coming Home.
“Against the backdrop of an elegant Cornwall mansion before World War II and a vast continent-spanning canvas during the turbulent war years, this involving story tells of an extraordinary young woman’s coming of age, coming to grips with love and sadness, and in every sense of the term, coming home…”
I hadn’t yet started the book, but I learned that Rosamunde Pilcher passed away yesterday, so I thought I’d begin reading it this very afternoon in honor of both the author and the story that so captivated my sister. And in honor of the one who so thoughtfully gave me a tiny piece of her history to cherish, I thought I would dine on what I imagine one of her favorite snacks used to be at the time she discovered her love for this specific book: a generous helping of bright orange Cheezits. To sip, a serving of delicious diet chemicals, which I do not believe she ever developed a taste for.
And you? If you were to gift a loved one with your most beloved, returned-to-time-and-time-again story, what would it be? Do you recall where you were in your life’s path when that book became so vital to you? And of course, it’s always helpful to pair a special snack with your comfort reading–what would you recommend your loved one to pair with your book?
categories: unquiet things
A few months ago a friend asked me if I make money with my blog, and if so, how. They followed it up with the statement that they “can’t imagine” that I don’t.
That’s hilarious! Because I surely do not!
I have been writing online and off, for most of my life. I have never been paid to write anything. I might be given a gift or a freebie for something I have written, after the fact. I might be supplied with products that I did not have to pay for, in order to write reviews about them. These things happen occasionally, and I’m generally not one to turn down free stuff! I also feel compelled to mention that almost 100% of the time, these are places I have already purchased items –perfumes, tee shirts, candles, soaps, whatever–from, previously. I would certainly never write about stuff that I would not actually use my own money to buy. But back to the “getting paid” part– I cannot think of one single time when one single person* has paid me one single, solitary penny for something I have written or to write something for them.
…and if I am being honest, I wouldn’t want them to.
I am coming from a place where I feel like when I start accepting money for something I enjoy doing, that’s going to create expectations and obligations and it’s going to cast a grim pall over the very thing I enjoy. And I very loosely use the word “enjoy” here. I do not really take pleasure in writing. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes downright agonizing for a number of reasons. One, I’d really prefer to be doing anything but writing. Sure, I’d rather do the fun things I love, like knit, or read, or watch a movie– but sometimes I am avoiding the writing process so intensely that I will manufacture chores and tasks and errands which don’t even need doing, let alone doing now, instead of writing whatever it is that I am supposed to be writing, Also, it’s a mortifying, humiliating process. There’s nothing like seeing the nebulous thoughts and ideas and emotions that have been percolating murkily in your brain, exposed to the light and pinned down to the page or the screen in front of you…and then realizing that those unwieldy, imprecise words don’t match up with anything you thought you were thinking, and don’t even begin to convey any of the rich nuances of your, you know, really important opinions. And then of course you compare yourself to others, and you say cruel things to yourself, and it’s just this entire process of dashed expectations and self-loathing, and it’s all rather fraught, and dammit, you knew you should have been scrubbing that toilet, why did you even sit down to write in the first place? So I guess, if I were being honest, I would probably rather be doing anything but writing.
Which is funny…because I simply cannot remember a time when I wasn’t writing. As a child I often wrote stories about a girl my age named Jenny. She didn’t have adventures, she didn’t get into scrapes. She woke up for school in the morning, she played with her dolls (these stories had …just bizarrely elaborate lists detailing Jenny’s Barbie doll collection), she planned parties; Jenny was incredibly dopey and boring, but hey, those were the things that interested me at the time. As I grew older, I would write many unfinished horror stories in the style of Stephen King, and in my late teens and early twenties, I fancied myself a bit of a poet. In between those years there were always journals and diaries and letters and notes passed back and forth in high school, and let me tell you, my notes were epic. God help the poor boy who had to respond to one of those.
Though I haven’t been blogging at Unquiet Things for a long time, I have been weblogging for a long time. Maybe not as long as some, granted. It took me a long time to be OK with, and not freaked out by, computers and the internet. It wasn’t until a job I had while I was in college that I began to get comfortable with typing my thoughts as opposed to scribbling, which was pretty great timing, because this was in the latter half of 1999 and Livejournal had been founded earlier that year. Also in attempting to pinpoint a date just now, I am looking back and realizing that I graduated high school in 1994, and four years later, in 1999, I was still in community college. Full disclosure: it would be another three years before I actually graduated with my two-year degree. Yep.
Livejournal took my obsession with journaling to a new and interesting level. I never diaried my thoughts hoping to keep them private–I actively wanted people to read them. Sadly, no one actually wanted to, or cared about my not-so-carefully concealed notebooks. And why should they? It was, at its basic level, just highly legible but profoundly mundane personal drivel and daily gripes that were interesting only to me. But now, people all over the world were going to read my dumb thoughts and opinions–and they did! And they commented on them! It was everything I ever wanted.
My interest in fiddling with the LJ code to customize and tart up the look of my page led to me learning some html–nothing fancy, just enough recognize the basics and be able to tweak things if needed, which was especially useful when website design software like Dreamweaver became available to me. So now I could build my own website and blog! And I did! I even called myself myself an amateur web designer and I built a website for that purpose, too (and believe it or not, I made some money doing it, but that is a super weird story for another time.)
My blog has gone through many iterations over the years, beginning as a small purple thing on geocities, which few but a certain gormless ex-boyfriend may remember, as I had built a little [name redacted] insult generator on one of the pages as a spiteful side activity. And over the years it’s had many names…I was akissofshadows (Anita Blake shoutout!) on LJ, along with myblogskip, and then several other Lovecraftian or MRJamesian names that I’d cycle through in order to escape detection by another ex, this one must nastier and more awful than the previous, and who monitored my online activities like a hawk, because was a a snoopy asshole. And no, that’s not even fair to the snoopies out there, it was more than that; he had no sense of boundaries or privacy and thought he was entitled to every piece of me. Nosiness is one thing. His abusive behavior was something else.Yeah, I’m still mad about that. Never not gonna hate that guy.
Anyway! I digress! The point is, I have had a lot of journals and blogs over the years. But I never started writing with the idea that I think a lot of bloggers have now , a sort of “I’m going to make a living off of this! Where my sponsors at??” type of mentality. Hey, if that describes you, great. Good luck to you, and I wish you much success. But that was never me. I don’t write for money, I don’t have sponsors, I don’t have ads on my sites, I don’t even have a “donate” button, for pete’s sake. Never have, never will.
I have never struggled with my site’s image or branding. I know many bloggers who have started their site focusing on one type of thing, and perhaps they’ve built their whole personal brand or whatever around it. But then they become burnt out, or their interests change, and then they experience a great deal of angst and teeth-gnashing when it comes to blogging about something different or shifting their focus, and subsequently feeling the need to change the whole look and feel of their blog/website and online presence. I have never experienced this. I write about the things that I think are weird, or sad, or funny, or beautiful. That’s basically all it is, and it encompasses a broad spectrum of things–I will never be at a loss of food for thought and the resultant blog fodder. And even if, let’s say, I made a big change, like a super major change, say, oh, I don’t know–maybe I wanted to start writing about Christian parenting and scrapbooking. So what? What’s to agonize over? This is my space on the internet, no one is paying me or expecting things from me, so I can write about whatever shit that takes my fancy!
And that’s another thing. Sometimes I will see bloggers post things like “what do you guys want to see more of on the blog this year?” Fuck that shit. I don’t really care what anyone wants to see. They’ll see what I write about, that’s what they’ll see. And I know that sounds a little harsh, and I don’t mean to sound unkind or like I don’t appreciate all of the folks who have tuned in over the years (I love all 5 of you!) but I think that if you have followed my writing for any amount of time, whether we are real life friends, or if you know me from LJ or tumblr or polyvore or from my time writing at Coilhouse or more currently at Haute Macabre–I think you understand where I am coming from, and have a basic idea of what I’m about. And you probably don’t care! So if I don’t care and the people who count don’t care, then I’m not particularly worried. Everyone else can either get with the program or peep on over at another blog! The internet is pretty great like that.
So, no. I don’t make any money here. I don’t actually make any money writing anywhere else, either, and I never have. Ever. And that’s OK! I have a full time job. I don’t love it, I don’t even particularly like it, but I’ve never been under any illusions about the the need to like what I do for a living. That’s crazy talk. Work is dumb, don’t fool yourself into thinking otherwise. I work to make the money to be able to do the things I really want to do. Which brings me back to a point I was initially making, which was this: I do not necessarily want to get paid to write. I reserve the right to change my mind about this one day, but when someone says they want to pay you to do something**, they will of course have certain expectations of you and your work product. And then you feel obligated to meet those expectations. Do I want to feel obligated to work on something I am doing in my spare time, in my not-work time, in my obligation-less time? Fuck no. FUCK NO.
So this is my ridiculously lengthy answer to what might appear at the outset to be a very simple question. Anonymous friend who initially asked this question, I hope that you do not take this response as a personal attack or perhaps me passive-aggressively fuming about an innocent question that you had asked two months ago. It’s not like that at all! And, I promise, you’re not the only one who has asked this***. You were just the one who inspired me to type out this massive dump of rambling thoughts about it. I bet you’re sorry you asked, though!
*I do use Amazon associate links from time to time in my blog posts; every once in a while Amazon will send me a $5 gift card. Does that count? I don’t really think it counts.)
**Although if someone wants to pay me for something I have already written, that’s cool.
*** Who does she think she is, even writing this response, you might be wondering. No one even cares, no one thinks you SHOULD be paid to write anything! You may be right to think so. You probably are. I’m the little person, a nobody. Just one among millions of mediocre bloggers. I am not pretending otherwise. But more than one person has asked me this question, I swear. Maybe even three or four! But probably less than ten.