2015
The blarghs
categories: unquiet things
I’ve got an unfortunate case of the blarghs. You know that feeling – nothing you do feels good enough, you feel like all of your friendships are the built upon pity (for you are a sad, pathetic creature) and you really just don’t amount to much of anything. Why are you here? What’s the point? You just can’t even, and it feels like maybe you never could and never will again.
The blarghs have plagued me for going on a week now. I took ill with a wretched head cold and it all went downhill from there. When you’ve low energy and feeling unwell I think it’s a lot easier for those fat-dumb-ugly thoughts to start sneaking in, and man, I am afraid they’ve hit me super hard.
I know you are supposed to be kind to yourself during times like these, but I really just feel like slapping myself in the face and maybe lying down in the middle of the road. I mean I don’t want to get run over or anything – Jesus, calm down, I am not that bad off – but I sort of feel like I just need to lie face down in a muddy puddle or something. Like, rub my own nose in how bad I am feeling. Why would I feel like that? Why would I want to do that? I don’t rightly know. But I can tell you that I am having a hard time mustering kindness for myself at this moment in time.
It’s funny though…I always think that when I am feeling badly about things and myself and life in general…maybe kindness toward others will help. Maybe I should be giving away what I need the most? I don’t know. My brain is fuzzy and dumb today and I can’t think straight or articulate things real good.
What do you do when you’ve got the blarghs and the ughs and the blues and the worst feelings? I could use some suggestions folks, because I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, this is not a nice way to feel.
Helen says
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. When I've got the blues, I try to listen to some warm instrumental music (cello is good) and read. Or watch a comforting film - or one that I know will make me cry, to kind of clear things a little. Sometimes a long walk with no destination in mind is good, if you can. Somewhere with trees and grass. Or the sea.
I hope you feel better soon.
S. Elizabeth says
Thank you, Helen. A long, rambling, head-clearing walk is just the thing, I think.
Minna says
I usually go one of two routes: 1) wallow (pile cats and warm fuzzies on top of myself and indulge in ridiculously bad movies and food; or 2) exercise + other self care rituals - thanks to you this now includes a multi-step skincare regimen. Maybe more adult coloring?
S. Elizabeth says
I combined both of these! Treadmill + mummifying my face in layers of layers of skincare products (except I hope the result is the exact opposite of mummification, right? Plump, dewy skin? Not dried out and desiccated? Ok, bad analogy) And then a huge bowl of popcorn and catching up on season 5 of Walking Dead.
Although...Walking Dead is probably not the thing to watch when one is feeling down...
Becky says
It's the strangest thing, but I'm currently fighting a head cold, and also feeling extra sensitive. More exposed, and contemplative. I'm craving positive reinforcement as much as sleep and vitamin C. Instead of giving in to the negativity, I try to do for others what I want for myself. Do acts of kindness, and tell someone you appreciate them! Staying focus on the good around us, can inspire us to step out of our gray state.
S. Elizabeth says
Wise words, Becky, and I totally agree. Focus on the good things, show kindness and compassion to others. Absolutely. I try to practice that even when I am not sick, but now it is probably extra important. And in that vein I think *you* are freaking fantastic. One of the loveliest people I count myself lucky to know. Let's feel better soon!
Becky says
Thank you, Lady! The feeling is mutual!
Maika says
I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy and low. I can relate all too well. Even though it's one of the very last things I want to do when I'm feeling down, exercising always helps me too. I tend to resent it even while it's helping because it feels unfair that something so sensible and, ugh, healthful, should help more than lying face-down in a puddle or getting out of bed only to grab a tube of cookie dough and a spoon. But there's something insidious about feeling down that wants you to stay down. It's like that episode of Red Dwarf where Lister is plagued by incarnations of his own paranoia and confidence. Anyway, after exercising I do generally feel better and then a shower and some pampering helps even more. Also, after exercising I can then enjoy an edible treat that's comforting in its own way, but now free of the guilt that would come with while feeling like the underside of a old, muddy boot. It's good to be gentle with yourself, but it's also good to expend some physical energy and get a few endorphins involved in tackling your case of the mopes.
S. Elizabeth says
Oh, it was so tempting to lounge around in stinky pajamas but I did just as you said- I hopped on the treadmill and walked briskly for 20 minutes (I could have done better probably, but I'm still sick and it was already 9pm!) and took a loooong shower. And enjoyed some popcorn afterward. And you are totally right, I am glad that I exercised first because....man. I can eat a lot of popcorn!
Endorphins. Dang. They are some tricksy mumblyflumpers.
Rommy says
I've had periods like that too. I try to give myself time to give into a decent mope - block out time where I don't try to be productive, make sure I have pre-made comfort food on hand, and that I have cozy clothes available for a good veg. Sometimes even mindless TV is just too much, so I give myself permission to just lay there and look at a spot on the ceiling or wall. Usually the break from having to be productive and perform is enough to get me doing things again, even if I still don't quite feel all better.
S. Elizabeth says
You know, it's funny. The productivity thing. My therapist says that our society has been programmed to believe that if what we are doing is not productive, then it's a waste of time and we should feel badly about it. And it's true - I've come to feel really shitty about myself for "wasting time", i.e. reading a book or watching a movie that I've already read or seen before - even though these are comforting activities that harm no one and allow our minds to wander in a meditative sort of way. I'm trying to get on board with this logic. Productivity 24/7 just can't happen. You need to recharge. And I totally like your idea of lying on the floor and looking at a spot on the ceiling. Believe it or not, that sounds pretty decadent to me right about now!
lisa botany says
I can relate to so much of this, and I've also been going through an especially bad patch with the self-loathing lately. Being physically active can help a bit, even just a quick, brisk walk -- although it's the last thing I want to do when I'm feeling really low. A small self-care thing I like is to go to a nice little coffee house and have a fancy drink and a pastry while knitting or leafing through a book/mag with pretty pictures.
I also find that working on a project can help, especially if it's for someone else. I just try to lose myself in it, or turn my brain off and run on creative autopilot. Busywork. Something that doesn't require too much thinking, since my brain kinda stops working well when I'm all funked up.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
S. Elizabeth says
Thank you so much, Lisa. And I am sorry that you are suffering, as well. I hate to think that folks are dealing with things like this all by themselves, which I guess is why I blab about my every problem nowadays, just so folks know they are not alone. Very magnanimous of me, ha.
I love the idea of a coffee house treat! I'm still stuck in the mindset that if I go out and do something, it has to be with someone else. I don't know why that is, I didn't always used to be like that. There is a little coffee house 5 minutes up the road from here and I should take a moment one day this week or next and stop by with this stupid fingerless mitt that I have been knitting for going on three weeks now
Ladydarkbuuny says
Its seems I've been in and out of the blarghs for a good part of this year. My solution is to get out of the house, into the woods. Listen to the birds and hear what they have to say, watch what they do. At night, find a good spot to look at the stars...it always seems to put things in perspective for me. Also...run, exercise, whatever it takes to get your body moving. Exercise without fail, elevates my mood.
S. Elizabeth says
It always comes back to that, doesn't it? Our bodies apparently want to move about! Since I got sick I have been sleeping in more than I'd like, and have not been keeping up with the 5am walk habit that I was trying to cultivate. I found that they really set the tone for the rest of the day - I was more focused, I had more energy...I just felt...good.
lau says
love you, lady. i just talked at length to d. about my own crazies that i'm currently enduring. i'm miserable through this move, but i so badly wanted to move! its freaking me out and is HARD man. my anxiety is through the roof. what do you do when you get everything you want and you're still crazy? thus is the way, i suppose. hopefully the dust just needs to settle.
i'm here, tho. i hope you know that. <3