1 Jun


A long, long time ago, I had a livejournal account. As a matter of fact, I had several. I was always moving around, and purging and deleting and recreating myself. Mostly because I was living with a despot, an utter bastard of a human being who could not bear the fact that I had connections beyond the tenuous and yet tyrannical connection that he had with me. I had few friends beyond those I developed online, and I would be damned if he ruined that.

Thusly, a new livejournal name every three months or so (and again, my apologies to those who had a hard time keeping up with me.) Before all that, though, in the early days of LJ, I became somewhat friends with a certain LJ user. You know what I mean by “somewhat friends”; you thought they were really cool, so you friended them, and then eventually they friended you back and every once in a while you’d comment on each other’s posts but you never exchanged email addresses or AIM account info, so you probably weren’t really good friends, right?

This person, we will call her A.–and I am refraining from using real names or even online usernames or monikers, the reasons for which I will explain shortly*– was an artistic sort, and i loved seeing the creations she chose to share, and the evolution of her work. I enjoyed reading about the new techniques that she employed, and the snippets of whimsical, surreal poetry and prose that would sometimes accompany a new piece. I rejoiced with her when her work was commissioned as cover art for a work of speculative fiction/fantasy. I looked forward to every time something she posted in my feed…until one day, after noting a prolonged absence on her part, I realized her journal had been purged and her site had been taken down.


I grieved in a quiet sort of, hopefully non-creepy way. I barely knew a thing about this person, and we certainly weren’t true friends, but I found myself strangely bereft not knowing where she was or what was going on with her. Every few years I half-heartedly peek around the internet to see what turns up; one year, through a blog I thought belonged to her partner at the time, I briefly saw her appear under a new username. I found that same username listed in a popular fragrance forum which I lurk about frequently. I reached out to the user and never received a response. A few years after that, while searching for her older user name, I saw that she commented frequently on a certain blog over a decade ago.  It appeared that the blogger and she were on friendly terms and seemed to be personally acquainted, and what excited me is that the blog had been consistently updated and was current. I found the blogger on twitter and contacted him. He wrote back to me! He knew who I was looking for, and thought she was well and said that he would pass my information on.

I never heard back.


I should learn a lesson from this, I imagine. Some people don’t want to be found. Perhaps some people don’t want to be found by me. Or, at least they don’t want to be found by revenants from their past, good, bad, or otherwise. And so I stopped searching, and poking, and peering and prying. My intentions were good, but I don’t wish to hurt anyone. I don’t wish to be a reminder of a life someone has tried to leave behind…I mean, I think I understand that almost better than anyone. And so I am not linking to anything I have found, or referring to this person by any of the names I know them by–that’s not fair, and who knows, it might even be dangerous for them. I don’t know their circumstances, do I?

But I do hope they are well, and that they are happy, and that they continue to create. I’m afraid for her, and for many artists, I suppose, that once they disappear, their work might too. And I thought it was so beautiful, and that she had so much potential, and it nearly breaks my heart to think that one day there will be no evidence of it. That it will be as if it, and she, never existed.

If you read this one day, A.,you’re probably going to be weirded out.  Our exchanges were so brief… the only one I actually even remember is our mutual complaint of over-sized SUVs in the tiny parking spaces of small apartment complexes. Why do I care so much? Why do I care at all? I think maybe you were (are?) a sensitive soul and I that you will understand, even if I can’t articulate it. Are you still creating? I hope so. Be well, where ever you are.

This is me letting go.

(But I wanted to have a record of some sort, of your fantastical works, just in case. I hope you are okay with that. )






*though I have refrained from using names, etc., I have left the watermark on the art, because I think it’s kind of rude to mess around with that stuff.

Pamela says

I can see why you would have a fascination with this person's art. It is wonderful! Whimsical and haunting at the same time, it truly would be a shame if they had stopped creating. I can completely understand having an online admiration for a person, because I have that with you. Not in a creepy way, but a love for your talent as a writer. You have to respect a person that can pen a piece or create a work of art that makes you feel. It invokes a response from your soul. Perhaps a little bit of you that you hid away and this person has found a way to express it in their work.

Anton says

I wonder about a LOT of my early LJ friends who vanished. There was such a sense of intimacy in reading someone's LJ, especially in those first years.

Brittany says

I recognize this art, I must have known her somehow too, many moons ago. It's beautiful. I hope that somewhere she is happy and still creating ❤️

Celeste says

I can relate to this all too well. The internet is where I have met many people who I thought I could consider a friend, although I didn't really know them. Then one day they disappear, or they decide you're not interesting enough.

Kate says

I have also have periodically searched for A over the years...a true inspiration.

S. Elizabeth says

Oh my goodness! You knew her/of her, as well! I wonder if you and I were orbiting each other as well? These are the things I can't help but think about, even, what, 15-20 years later?

Lexx says

This is sooo funny - the fact that I have a very similar story related to her art))) except I never went on looking for her, it's just one day she disappeared and since then every time I somehow come across the memories of her art it makes me very sad that everything is gone. I was a teenage when I discovered her, and together with a friend of mine we were just blown away by the magnificence of her art. It really touched our subconscious. And I think it's the kind of touch that we are going to carry around our whole lifes) So yes. I understand your pain. I can relate 100%.

Cindy says

Reading this it's as if I wrote it myself. You said goodbye to it all, I still look in vain. Sigh.

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