Unquiet
Things

More than once over the past few months, I heard myself mumble despairingly, “I don’t think I can take another Florida summer.”

Even though I have lived here practically my whole life, I know deep in my soul that this is not where I am meant to be. (I’m certain that my soul is meant to be on the misty Pacific Northwest coastline or in a quaint New England town.) And yet, for the foreseeable future, Florida is where I must be. How to reconcile this?

This tension between where we feel we belong and where circumstances have us living is a struggle I know I’m not alone in facing. As I write this, I’m exploring the idea of “making peace with place” – trying to understand if it’s possible to find a way to thrive and find joy in our current location, even if it’s not our ideal. Can we truly make peace with a place that doesn’t feel like home?

I don’t have the answers, but I’m compelled to examine this conflict between my reality and my desires.

I was born in Ohio and lived there until the summer after my third-grade year. I know we had “seasons” there, but being indoctrinated in the hellscape of Florida summers for most of my life must have scoured all the experiences of cool temperatures and crisp air from my memory: the only season I can recall growing up in Milford Ohio is summer.

Weeks of being conscripted into summer camp arts and crafts and snacks with the Brownies, more weeks of vacation summer Bible school with my neighbor’s kids (I suspect summer camp was an excuse for my mother to get us out of her hair; no one in my family was religious.) Fireflies, sandboxes, and my mother’s small garden of snapdragons. I spent weekends at my grandparents’ house with my sisters, learning to ride a bike and reading stacks and stacks of books. This all happened in the heat and warmth of the summer. Curiously, I have no memories of autumn or winter.

My grandparents moved to Florida just before my fourth-grade year, and they brought their daughter, a single mother, and her three children with them. Growing up, we never lived more than ten minutes away from our grandparents, and I suspect that’s because, while yes, my mother was theoretically a fully functioning adult, she was also troubled in many ways and not actually a very responsible adult.

I spent my elementary school, junior high, high school, and college years in the same beachside town we moved to in 1985. I lived there until I was 28 years old. At this point, I moved from Florida and all my ties to the place. It was a bad move.

In 2011, the bad scene of that move to NJ culminated in my leaving to return to FL.

I initially landed in Orlando and lived there for about a year because that’s where my sister and best friend were, both having escaped Daytona’s skeezy orbit. But as luck would have it, I began dating someone who lived less than ten minutes from the house I grew up in, so back to Daytona, I went.

The timing worked out well because not long after that, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. After that began my grandfather’s rapid decline, and my grandmother followed a few years later. Yvan and I lived together throughout this process, and we would have loved to move away (neither one of us sees ourselves as Florida people), but of course, I couldn’t leave the grandparents with no one else there to care for them.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. Two years ago, we finally left the Daytona area, but it was to move only two hours north (still in Florida, UGH) for the sake of being closer to Yvan’s aging parents. Having already been through this with my own family, I’m acutely aware of the bittersweet nature of this time. It’s a harsh truth that we’re essentially waiting for loved ones to pass before we can pursue our relocation dreams.

But this realization comes with a crucial understanding: we can’t put our lives on hold. We can’t live as if everything will be better somewhere else, sometime else. We have to find a way to live our best lives now, right where we are.

It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of “someday” thinking. Someday we’ll move. Someday, we’ll be happier. Someday, we’ll start living. But life is happening now, in this place, at this moment. Putting our lives on hold not only robs us of present joy but can lead to regret and resentment. So, how do we make peace with a place that doesn’t feel like home? How do we find contentment and purpose in a location that doesn’t resonate with our souls?

Cheesy as it may sound, I’m trying to create a little list. While pondering these strategies is a start, the real challenge lies in putting them into practice. Here’s how I’m trying (emphasis on trying) to implement each one:

Find beauty in your current environment:

🐊   Keep a “Stupid Sexy Florida Beauty” journal: Each day, I try to note one beautiful thing (okay, that’s a stretch, I’ll confess I have downsized this to “nice thing”) I’ve observed, no matter how small. Sometimes, it’s as simple as how the light filters through the lacy grey tangles of Spanish moss or, say, the vibrant colors of a sunset reflecting off a retention pond. Listen, we work with what we’ve got.
🐊 Explore local natural areas: Florida has some stunning springs and nature preserves. I’m making a list of nearby spots to visit, even if it’s just for a short walk or a brief looky-loo.
🐊 Embrace the night: Since daytime can be unbearable, I’m re-learning to appreciate Florida’s nighttime beauty. Taking a walk around the neighborhood to gaze at the stars or say hello to the moon, or sitting on the porch during a thunderstorm can be magical.

(Re)Create a sense of home:

🐊 Declutter and redesign: I’m gradually going through each room, removing items that don’t resonate with me anymore (goodbye, excess skulls) and introducing elements that do (hello, cozy Shire-inspired nooks).
🐊 Create a “home away from home” corner: I’m designating a small area in our house to represent my ideal place. It might be a reading corner with pieces from PNW artists or a New England-style writing nook. I don’t know what that means really, but it’s very autumnal. In my imagination, anywhere north of, say, North Carolina is this perpetual, enchanted October otherworld (which I know can’t be true because I lived in New Jersey…but how quickly we forget!)

Engage with local community and culture:

🐊 Start small:  I’m setting a modest goal of one social interaction every few months. Which doesn’t sound like much, but that is the best this introvert can do! We have actually made a few friends in the area (huzzah! and thank you to former Jax-resident Shana for the introductions!)
🐊 Explore local food scenes: Every place has its culinary gems. I’m making it a point to try one new local restaurant or food truck each month.
🐊 Virtual engagement: For days when leaving the house feels overwhelming, I’m looking into online communities centered around local interests or issues. Local gardening groups, knitting groups, whatever. I will probably never meet these people, but it would be nice to have some local-feeling camaraderie.

Plan trips to places that resonate:

🐊 Create a travel fund: We’re setting aside a small amount each month specifically for trips to places we love. And maybe eventually go on our honeymoon to Japan! Which…is probably going to be a lot like Florida, whoops.
🐊 Weekend getaway list: I’m compiling a list of drivable destinations (like Savannah) for quick escapes when we need a change of scenery.
🐊 Bring vacation home: After each trip, I’d like to incorporate an element of that place into our daily lives. It might be a new recipe, a decor item, or a habit we picked up.

Shift perspective through creativity:
🐊 Write fictional vignettes set in Florida: By imagining fantastic or intriguing scenarios in my current setting, I’m trying to see the place through new eyes.
🐊 Photography challenge: I’m challenging myself to take beautiful or interesting photos of my surroundings, encouraging me to look for beauty in unexpected places.

Practice gratitude:

🐊 Daily, I try to note one thing I’m grateful for about our current situation. It might be as simple as “I’m grateful for air conditioning, this ice-cold gin gimlet, and having cultivated a viciously grim sense of humor” on particularly hot days.

Implementing these strategies is an ongoing process, full of two steps forward and one step back. Some days, the only thing I manage is not cursing the sun. I know, lordy, how I know, that Florida isn’t all beaches and bikinis and whatnot; it’s actually kind of a weird, creepy place, and I know I am not the only weirdo here.

So this is less about loving every aspect of where you are and more about finding ways to thrive despite the challenges. It’s about creating pockets of joy and meaning, even when the overall environment doesn’t resonate with your soul. Pockets full of moss and lizards and little creamed-colored seashells that whisper terrible things in ancient marine languages when you hold it to your ear.

Making peace with place often requires a shift in perspective. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, we can choose to see the unique opportunities our current location provides. For me, living in Florida means I can be there for family during an important time. It means I can explore a state that many only dream of visiting. Moreover, this experience of feeling out of place is shaping me. It’s teaching me resilience, adaptability, and the art of finding joy in unexpected places. These lessons will (theoretically?) serve me well, no matter where I eventually end up.

While it’s natural to dream of other places, I recognize it’s crucial to live fully in the present, and by making peace with my current place, I open myself up to unexpected joys and growth opportunities. So yes, I may never fully embrace Florida’s sweltering, sticky, butt-and-boob-sweat summers. I may always feel a pull towards the charming small-town Stars Hollows or the Derry, Maines (just kidding about that one…sort of?) But for now, I’m here. And here, I am trying to find beauty, create meaning, and live fully. Home is much more than just a place. It’s the feelings we create, the life we build, and the perspective we choose.

My grandfather, and probably grandfathers the world over, used to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Even if I wind up in the perfect little cottage, high on a bluff, with a bunch of old-growth forests over the ridge and listening to the eerie tremolo of the loons from an ancient lake in my backyard (I am combining all the places I want to live into one extra amazing place here), I’ll still be me with all my wanting and yearning and seeking. Who knows, I might not be happy anywhere. But I am especially not going to be happy in a place where I am not. So I might as well try to make it happen in the place where I actually am.

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In the grey gloaming realm that stretches between the living and the dead, Dylan Garrett Smith’s monochrome reveries unfurl like smoke from a snuffed candle. His artistry is a nocturne played on the bones of forgotten beasts, a serenade to the wild things that lurk just beyond our peripheral vision.

Smith’s canvas is a chiaroscuro otherworld where vitality and decay intertwine in a spectral palimpsest, each layer revealing new depths of existence.

In one haunting tableau, corvids engage in a macabre game of cat’s cradle – or is it shibari? – with a skull, their ebony feathers a stark contrast to the bone’s pallid gleam.

Nearby, a small ram reclines in blissful repose, unaware of the arrows that surround it like a halo of impending doom. This particular piece, a poignant illustration of innocence amidst danger, can be found in my book The Art of Darkness: A Treasury of the Morbid, Melancholic and Macabre.

Suspended in the void, a broken bird’s nest becomes a mobile of bones, dangling precariously and giving dark new meaning to the phrase “cradle to grave.”

A fox bounds away into the darkness, its back turned to us. Its burden, both grisly and beautiful, is revealed: upended skulls serve as macabre baskets, overflowing with phantasmal autumn leaves. This juxtaposition of death and seasonal beauty encapsulates the cyclical nature of existence, a memento mori adorned with life’s fleeting splendor.

In Smith’s hands, a deer skull becomes a temple, its antlers reaching skyward like gothic spires, enrobed in a tapestry of forest flora that speaks of life’s persistence in the face of death.

Elsewhere, rats perform a macabre quadrille, their lithe forms weaving intricate patterns around a juicy pomegranate – a Persephone’s bargain made flesh, the promise of cyclic renewal amidst decay.

I have a fixation on “hands holding things,” and in Dylan Garrett Smith’s hands this obsession finds a dark playground of endless fascination. His monochrome world is populated by a menagerie of spindly, clawed fingers that grasp and clutch at various objects, each image a haunting vignette that pulls at the threads of the subconscious.

In one particularly arresting piece, skeletal hands cradle a guttering candle, its flame a fragile light against encroaching darkness, while rosary drape gently about around the wrists, as if anchoring the soul in its futile quest for salvation.

In another striking image, a snake coils sinuously around an arm, its scales a stark contrast to the human flesh streaked with dark, bleeding veins of dirt. From this liminal fusion of animal and human sprout leaves and berries, as if the arm itself is transforming into a branch, blurring the lines between flesh and flora, predator and prey.

These spectral appendages haunt the penumbral spaces of Smith’s work and our psyche. A wrist pierced by an arrow evokes a pagan stigmata, while elsewhere, a disembodied sorcerer’s hand plays puppeteer to a decaying apple, its fishhook strings a grim reminder of the manipulations that lie beneath life’s surface.

Each eerie hand draws me in, their skeletal digits beckoning me closer, telling stories of grasping desire, occult power, and the ever-present reach of mortality. They speak to something primal, a recognition of hands as tools of creation and destruction,  acting out dark fantasies and ancient rites.

Smith renders these visions in ash, chalk-lead, and ink on black cotton rag, his choice of medium as much a part of the story as the images themselves. The ash speaks of transformation and endings, the chalk-lead whispers of impermanence, while the ink etches permanence into the ephemeral. On the black canvas, these materials come alive, each stroke a revelation of light amidst shadow, of form emerging from void.

This interplay of light and dark extends beyond technique, embodying the very essence of Smith’s artistic philosophy. His work is a meditation on the cycle of life, death, and rebirth, on the beauty found in decay and the inevitability of nature’s reclamation. In Smith’s art, ecological concerns intertwine with occult symbolism, creating a visual language that speaks to both the natural world and the supernatural realms that haunt our collective unconscious.

This shadow play extends beyond the confines of gallery walls and into the pulsing heart of the music world. For over half his life, he’s been weaving his spectral visions into the very fabric of the industry, birthing nearly a thousand designs that clothe the devotees of darkness. From the hallowed racks of Hot Topic to the curated collections of Foxblood, Smith’s creations lurk, waiting to ensnare unsuspecting shoppers in their gossamer threads of ink and imagination.

Throughout his career, his artistry has been embraced by titans of the metal scene, with Smith creating designs for renowned bands whose music shakes our very souls. One can almost hear the eldritch roar of guitars and the seismic percussion echoing through his creations, each design a portal to a concert at the end of the world. “Through these designs,” Smith muses, “many of my favorite artists are now my closest friends.” It’s a testament to the alchemical power of his art, transmuting admiration into connection, fandom into friendship.

He has also lent his talent to the folks at Cadabra Records, where — small world!– I was perusing their website years ago and came across a spoken-word Dracula album, narrated by the one and only Tony Todd. “Hot dog!” I thought, “This is amazing! But wait a second…I recognize the style of this artwork…!” And sure enough, there are several albums in their catalog whose covers are awash in Dylan’s particular brand of darkness.

To stand before a Dylan Garrett Smith piece is to feel the veil between worlds grow gossamer-thin. Time becomes elastic; the boundaries between observer and observed blur. We find ourselves not simply viewing foxes and snakes, skulls and hands, but inhabiting a liminal space where the arcane and the ecological converge.

This is art as ritual, as invocation. Each piece a spell cast against forgetting, against the numbing comfort of artificial light. Smith’s work demands we rekindle our relationship with shadow, with the rich loam of decay that nourishes new life. It whispers of old gods and older truths, of the wisdom found in bone and root and stone.

In an age of ecological crisis, where the wild places shrink beneath our ever-expanding footprint, Smith’s art serves as both warning and balm. It reminds us that nature’s triumph is inevitable, not as a cataclysm to be feared, but as a homecoming to be embraced. To engage with Dylan Garrett Smith’s art is to pilgrimage into the heart of darkness – not as an absence of light, but as a fertile void teeming with possibility.

It is to remember that we, too, are creatures of ash and shadow, of bloom and decay. In his funereal monochrome, we glimpse not just the face of nature, but our own wild souls gazing back, asking to be remembered, to be set free. In Smith’s stark compositions, we find a memento vivere cloaked in the guise of a memento mori – a poignant reminder that in breakdown lies the promise of renewal, in endings, the whisper of beginnings.

Between these poles of existence, Smith reveals the raw, mesmerizing complexity of life’s perpetual cycle.

For all the haunting grimness of his canvases, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more amiable soul than Dylan Garrett Smith.

In my few DMs with him, our conversations have meandered through art and perfume, revealing an artist as relatable as he is talented. Smith’s Instagram offers a window into this duality: interspersed among his spectral creations are posts that showcase a genuine love for his artistic community and a delightfully goofy sense of humor.

I’m particularly fond of his allergy season jokes accompanying some of his woodland flora vignettes – a cheeky reminder that even artists who traffic in the realms of decay and darkness aren’t immune to the prosaic irritations of pollen. This juxtaposition of the macabre and the mundane, the profound and the playful, adds yet another layer of depth to Smith’s already multifaceted persona.

In contemplating Smith’s art, one can’t help but draw parallels to another realm of sensory experience: perfume. Both dark art and fragrance possess the power to evoke visceral reactions, bypassing our logical mind to trigger something primal within us. Like Smith’s meticulously crafted monochrome visions, perfume can transport us to liminal spaces, conjuring the essence of spectral forests and forgotten rituals in an instant. There’s an intimacy to both, a way of getting under the skin and lingering, transforming our perception of the world around us.

In the earthy notes of soil and roots, the metallic tang of blood, or the ethereal whisper of smoke, we find olfactory echoes of Smith’s visual themes – a shared fascination with the cycle of life, death, and rebirth that permeates both art forms. Just as Smith’s hands grasp candles and cradle skulls, certain scents can hold us in their thrall, telling stories of nature’s reclamation and the thin veil between worlds.

I recently inquired with Dylan about his favorites, and he got back to me with the following …

“Since moving to Los Angeles from Pennsylvania a few years ago, I had to completely overhaul my fragrance collection – everything I had was dark, smoky, spicy, and warm for the cooler weather and now that’s it’s like 80 all year long, I’ve had to do some soul searching and branch out, haha!”

Some of my favorites right now:

“Vertical Oud” by Hermetica Paris
“La Capitale” by Xerjoff
“Super Cedar” by Byredo
“Oud Wood” by Tom Ford (author note: ME TOO, IT’S SO GOOD!)
“Woodphoria” by Boy Smells
“Bulletproof” by Tokyomilk Dark
“FFCC33” (“Sunglow”) by Hans Hendley

Also, according to Dylan, “If you’re reading this from Southern California or New England, I have some events and art shows coming up that I’d love to see you at! Check out the Upcoming Events page on my site for more info!”

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Many years ago, on this very blog, I wrote about my jewelry collection along with a current (at that time) wish-list of pieces of jewelry I was coveting. That post was dated for sometime in September of 2011, but I can assure you my love of all things shiny began much longer ago than that!

As a child, my imagination was captivated by visions of overflowing treasure chests, a fantasy undoubtedly born from the pages of storybooks and the flickering images on our TV screen. I recall being transfixed by the jewelry in every show and movie, my eyes drawn to the glittering accessories more than the plot or characters. The annual Miss Universe pageant was a particular delight – not for the competition itself, but for that moment when that ridiculously massive diamond(?)-studded tiara was placed upon the winner’s head, a coronation of sparkles that set my heart racing.

My fascination with jewelry and glamorous adornments wasn’t limited to real-world spectacles. The fictional realm provided just as much, if not more, fodder for my glittering dreams.

I was mesmerized by Glinda the Good Witch’s sparkling crown and wand, symbols of her benevolent magic. Princess Leia’s regal jewelry in the awards scene of Star Wars: A New Hope left me starry-eyed, dreaming of far-off galaxies where such elegance was commonplace. When not in her Wonder Woman attire, Diana Prince’s elegant looks captivated me, showing how jewelry could be both powerful and understated. I remember being glued to the TV during Susan Sarandon’s appearance on Masterpiece Theatre, drinking in every detail of her period-appropriate accessories. And who could forget Crystal Dreams Barbie? With her iridescent gown and crystal jewelry, she embodied the pinnacle of 80s glamour in miniature form, fueling my own crystal-centric fantasies.

The Sears catalog became my personal wish book, its pages dog-eared and worn as I revisited the jewelry section time and time again. And oh, the illustrations in my beloved copy of Aladdin! The Cave of Wonders, with its jeweled fruit trees, was a scene I’d lose myself in for hours, imagining the weight of those riches in my small hands. Actually–scratch that. My hands were 16 years old by the time I saw the animated movie, and I was every bit as enthralled ! But so what! Gimme all the sparkles now and forever!

Among my most treasured childhood memories is the ritual of exploring my grandmother’s jewelry box. It was a world unto itself, a miniature treasure trove that held endless fascination for me. The soft creak of its lid as I opened it, revealing tiers of compartments filled with glittering wonders. The musty, balsamic scent of Youth Dew perfume would waft up, an olfactory time capsule that instantly transported me to a realm of grown-up glamour. I’d spend hours trying on her collection of brooches, each one a miniature work of art in costume jewels and gilt metal. Strings of faux pearls would drape around my neck, clinking softly as I moved, while clip-on earrings pinched my earlobes with a delightful discomfort that made me feel impossibly sophisticated. These moments, playing dress-up with decades of collected memories and style, were more than just childhood fancy – they were my first real lessons in the power of jewelry to transform, to tell stories, and to connect generations.

As I grew, my tastes evolved, expanding far beyond the simple allure of sparkle and shine. The egg-shaped diamond rings that once seemed the height of sophistication gave way to more intricate, esoteric designs. I discovered the beauty in the unconventional, the strange, the downright occult – skulls adorned with crowns of thorns, talismanic claws clutching mystical stones, raw crystals seemingly plucked from the heart of some alien world. My collection began to resemble less a traditional jewelry box and more a cabinet of arcane curiosities.

Ouroboros rings coiled around my fingers, whispering secrets of eternity. Pendants bearing alchemical symbols and obscure runes nestled in the hollow of my throat, promising hidden knowledge. Earrings fashioned after rare deep-sea creatures dangled from my lobes, evoking the mysteries of the abyss. Each piece was a far cry from the princely jewels of my childhood fantasies, instead embodying a darker, more enigmatic allure.

Yet, there’s a cyclical nature to our tastes, isn’t there? Sometimes, I find myself longing for the overwrought melodrama of those childhood dreams. I’ll catch myself coveting a tiara so ostentatious it would make a soap opera diva blush, or a statement necklace so bold it could easily upstage its wearer. In these moments, I’m reminded of the little girl who dreamed of treasure chests overflowing with gems the size of a fist.

This pendulum swing between the esoteric and the extravagant, the subtle and the showy, has become a defining characteristic of my relationship with jewelry. It’s as if my collection is engaged in a never-ending masquerade ball, with each piece playing a role in an ever-unfolding drama of personal expression and transformation. More than just adornments, my jewelry has become a form of self-expression, each piece carefully chosen to reflect a facet of my personality or commemorate a moment in time.

After she died, a silver octopus pendant fashioned from a fork was found in my mother’s belongings wrapped for gift-giving. My sisters decided that she must have meant to give it to me as a Christmas gift. A weighty diamante four-leaf clover brooch with pearls at the center sits in my jewelry cabinet. It belonged to my grandmother; it was one of the very pieces from the jewelry box I mentioned above. But I can never seem to find the occasion to wear it.  A goddess smiles enigmatically, carved from the depths of a golden moon. This is a necklace I purchased for myself after I wrote my third book.

The emotional resonance of jewelry continues to surprise me. A simple charm can transport me back in time, while a new acquisition can fill me with a sense of possibility for the future. Each piece in my collection tells a story, whether it’s the tale of where it came from, who gave it to me, or what it represents in my personal journey. As my collection grew, so did my appreciation for the deeper meanings behind each piece. Jewelry, I’ve come to understand, is far more than decoration. It’s a form of symbolic language, a way to communicate beliefs and aspirations, and even to provide protection.

The esoteric symbols that now populate my collection – the all-seeing eyes, the protective hamsa hands, the intricate sacred geometry – each carry a weight of meaning that goes beyond aesthetics. These pieces have become talismans, objects imbued with significance and power. On days when I need an extra boost of courage, I might reach for my arrow necklace, a reminder to stay focused and move forward. When seeking clarity, my labradorite ring becomes a touchstone, its flashes of blue-green light seeming to illuminate my thoughts.

This idea of jewelry as a metaphysical shield has become increasingly important to me. In a world that can often feel chaotic and overwhelming, there’s comfort in adorning oneself with objects that feel like talismanic bulwarks against negative energies. My skull ring, far from being macabre, serves as a memento mori, a reminder to live fully and authentically. The weight of a substantial cuff bracelet can feel grounding, a barrier between myself and the world when I need that extra layer of security. The concept of jewelry as talisman is ancient, spanning cultures and centuries. From Egyptian scarabs to Victorian mourning jewelry, humans have long invested these small, wearable objects with great power. In embracing this tradition, I feel connected to a long line of individuals who have found strength, comfort, and identity in their adornments.

Beyond the visual allure, there’s an intimate, tactile dimension to jewelry that often goes unspoken. The weight of a substantial pendant against my chest, the cool touch of metal warming to my skin, the gentle clinking of bangles on my wrist – these sensations ground me in the present moment, a constant, subtle reminder of adornment and intention. I find myself absently tracing the contours of a ring while deep in thought, the familiar ridges and smooth surfaces becoming a form of tangible meditation. There’s a unique pleasure in the way different materials interact with the senses: the soft, warm glow of amber, the cool, liquid feel of pearls, the sharp facets of a cut crystal. Even the act of putting on jewelry becomes a ritual, a moment of mindfulness as I fasten a clasp or slip a ring onto my finger. Yet, for all this weighty symbolism, there remains in me that child who simply delighted in beautiful things. The enduring allure of “treasures” persists, speaking to something fundamental in human nature. We are drawn to that which glitters and shines, to objects that seem to capture light and transform it into something magical.

My passion for jewelry has profoundly influenced how I perceive the world, infusing everyday experiences with an unexpected sparkle. I’ve come to see the jewel-like qualities in nature and everyday objects, finding gems where others might see mere produce. The glossy, deep purple skin of an eggplant reminds me of polished amethyst, its curves mimicking the smooth cabochons in my favorite rings. Strawberries, with their vibrant red hue and seed-studded surface, evoke images of intricately worked rubies. This jewelry-tinted lens extends beyond the visual realm, coloring my other senses in surprising ways. In the world of perfumery, I often find myself describing scents in gemstone terms – this fragrance smells “amethystine,” with deep, purple notes of lavender and wine; that one has an “emerald” quality, fresh and verdant like newly unfurled leaves.

As I look at my collection now, arranged on my dresser top at eye level, heaped and draped in dishes and trays, and tucked away into several ornate little boxes, I’m struck by how it embodies both change and constancy. The specific pieces may be different from what I once dreamed of, but the joy they bring – that feeling of wonder and delight – remains unchanged from when I first pored over those catalog pages.

In many ways, my jewelry collection has become my own personal Cave of Wonders. Each piece, whether a finely crafted artisanal item or a quirky flea market find, is a treasure in its own right. They are artifacts of my journey, markers of my growth, and yes, still objects of beauty that make my heart sing just as they did when I was young. My love for jewelry has been a constant companion, evolving as I have, reflecting my growth and changing perspectives. From the imaginary treasure chests of my childhood to the carefully curated collection of my adulthood, it’s been a journey marked by sparkle, significance, and self-discovery.

As I alluded to in a post last week, as I reflect on this lifelong fascination, I realize that my relationship with jewelry is just one of many threads that have woven the tapestry of who I am today. After two decades of blogging, I find myself drawn to exploring these origin stories – the experiences, passions, and influences that have shaped me.

In the grand scheme of things, I may be less than a nobody. Yet, I can’t help but envision a future where someone stumbles upon an old perfume review I’ve written or finds one of my books in a dusty corner of a used bookstore and thinks, “Hey, this person seems really interesting. I wonder what they were like?” It’s a small hope, perhaps, but isn’t that a fundamentally human desire? To leave behind some essence of ourselves, some breadcrumbs for future curious souls to follow?

Who doesn’t like to tell the story of who they are? Who doesn’t, in some small way, want to be known and understood? These origin stories – of my love for jewelry, my fascination with scent, my adventures in cooking and art – they’re my way of saying “This is who I am. This is what shaped me.”

It eventually shaped me into a ghoul who loves jewels (which, in my imagination, looks a bit like the imagery of Maria Germanova below!) Read more on my fascination with her here and here and here!

So, dear future reader (if you exist), consider this the beginning of a trail. In the coming weeks and months, I’ll be delving into other formative fascinations and pivotal moments in my life. From my early encounters with scary terrors to my first sprays of perfume, from a childhood love of all things “flowerdy” to adult adventures in cooking – each of these stories has contributed to the person I’ve become and the way I see the world. I invite you – whether you’re reading this hot off the press or years down the line – to join me on this journey of reflection and rediscovery in unearthing these defining experiences and their resulting passions.  And I hope you’ll share yours as well along the way!

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An idea sprouted recently when I posed a question on Instagram, asking if there was anything people wanted to see me discuss in a YouTube video.

Someone commented that they’d love to hear about how I came by my love of cooking. This got me thinking – there are quite a few fascinations and fixations that are integral to who I am, making up a large portion of my personality. I realized I’d love to do some serious reflecting and writing about these aspects of myself, beyond chatter for my YouTube channel. Maybe a whole series of writings! Yes, yes, I’ll eventually get around to the YouTube stuff, too.

But then it hit me… wow… that’s an awful lot of talking about myself. Even more so than usual!

This realization led me to contemplate my relationship with self-reflection and self-expression, particularly in my writing. There’s a commonly held belief that it’s rude to talk about oneself. This unspoken rule has long shaped social interactions, tempering personal revelations in polite conversation. And yet, here I am, as I have been for years now, engaging in what some might consider a cardinal sin of etiquette – I write about myself. Constantly. Brazenly. And with a fervor that both thrills and (occasionally) unnerves me.

The irony doesn’t escape me; I find myself perpetually both the subject and the scribe, the observer and the observed. With each essay, each blog post, each scribbled note, I feel a familiar tug – not of hesitancy, but of excitement tinged with a lingering, socially-conditioned squirm of self-consciousness. It’s as if I’m indulging in a pleasure that, according to some unwritten code, should be taken in moderation.

In the depths of my years-long practice of self-reflection, a realization has taken root and blossomed: I am, unabashedly and unequivocally, one of the most interesting people I know. This isn’t vanity speaking, but rather a hard-earned appreciation for the labyrinth of thoughts, experiences, and contradictions that make up my being. Each of us is a universe unto ourselves, a constellation of memories, desires, fears, and wonders. To explore this inner cosmos, to map its terrain and share its marvels – it’s a journey that forever captivates me.

When I write about myself, I’m not just cataloging events or listing traits. I’m continuing an ongoing expedition into the ever-changing territories of my psyche, returning with field notes that chronicle my personal human experience. In my joys and sorrows, my triumphs and blunders, I find a complex mosaic of life that feels endlessly fascinating to explore.

This self-exploration manifests in myriad ways throughout my writing. When I delve into the realm of grotesque, avant-garde fashion, I’m not just analyzing fabric and form – I’m excavating the parts of myself drawn to the unconventional, the shocking, the beautifully disturbing. Each piece is a mirror, reflecting facets of my own complex relationship with aesthetics and identity.

My perfume reviews are much more than descriptions of scent notes and sillage. (I don’t even talk about sillage. Who cares about how long it lasts or how big or small your stink-miasma is? Spray more if you need to!) Instead, they’re portals into the dreamscapes of my inner world. As I write about a fragrance, I weave in the fiction of my imagination, the stories and scenes that each scent evokes. It’s a deeply personal olfactory journey, something uniquely mine.

And my fascination with grief and horror? It’s not just morbid curiosity. It’s an extension of my attempt to understand the depths of human emotion, to explore the shadows that dwell within us all. In writing about these themes, I’m processing my own fears, confronting my own mortality, and finding strange comfort in the universality of these dark experiences.

All of it – every word, every topic, every obsession – comes from a deeply personal place. I see myself reflected in the grotesque and the beautiful, in the imagined worlds conjured by a perfume, in the melancholic and the horrific. My writing is a kaleidoscope of weirdness and relentless self-inquiry, each turn revealing new patterns of my inner world.

I’m my biggest advocate for this practice, and yet occasionally, I am very self-conscious about this proclivity of mine. I’m acutely aware that my enthusiasm for self-reflection, especially when it takes such dark and unconventional forms, might be perceived as self-absorption or edgelordy sensationalism by others. And yet, I can’t deny the deep satisfaction and insight I gain from this practice. It’s a personal indulgence, yes, but one that feels vital to my understanding of myself and my place in the world. In many ways, it’s become the cornerstone of my writing practice.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed a trend in book reviews where critics often bristle at authors who pepper their nonfiction works with personal stories. It’s a critique I’ve never understood. In fact, I love it when authors do this. Personal stories are important, especially in how they relate to the subjects you’re passionately writing about.

If someone is somehow enthusiastic enough to write an entire book about carving wooden soup spoons or the mating habits of jumping spiders, don’t you want to know why? And doesn’t that entail getting to know the author better? These personal anecdotes and reflections provide context, depth, and a human connection to the subject matter. They transform dry facts into lived experiences, making the content more relatable and, often, more memorable.

In embracing this art of writing about myself through these varied lenses, I’m not turning away from the world, but rather processing my experiences of it. I’m creating a record of my journey through life, capturing the evolving landscape of my thoughts and feelings, from the grotesque to the grief-stricken, from the imaginary scent-scapes to the horrific. It’s a deeply personal archive, a testament to my existence and my growth.

So I’ll continue to write about myself, not to challenge any societal norms or to encourage others to do the same, but simply because it feels true to who I am. It’s a practice that brings me joy, insight, and a sense of continuity in my ever-changing life. In the end, perhaps that’s all the justification I need – this is who I am, this is what I do, and I find it endlessly fascinating

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As twilight descends and the world exhales into darkness, a different realm awakens – one populated by creatures that have long captivated our imagination.

In my book, The Art of Darkness: A Treasury of the Morbid, Melancholic, and Macabre, I explored the intricate nocturnal bestiary that has long prowled through dark-themed art. Now, let us both expand beyond the imagery in the book and narrow our gaze to three of night’s most beguiling emissaries: the owl, the bat, and the moth.

Owls: Wisdom’s Watchful Eyes

In the hushed cathedral of the forest, the owl reigns as both sage and specter. Its penetrating gaze has, for centuries, been a mirror for our own search for knowledge in the darkness of ignorance. From Dürer’s meticulous engravings, where owls perch as symbols of wisdom and melancholy, to the surreal, moonlit landscapes of Gertrude Abercrombie, where these birds stand as enigmatic sentinels, owls bridge our world with realms unseen, embodying the very essence of nocturnal mystery.

In literature, the owl’s hoot has heralded profound messages – think of the prophetic bird in Shakespeare’s “Macbeth” or the wise companions in modern fantasy. These creatures, with their ability to pierce the veil of night, remind us that true wisdom often comes from peering into the shadows of our own souls.

Bats: Creatures of Transformation

If owls are the philosophers of the night, bats are its shape-shifters – embodiments of our fears and fascinations with the unknown. Goya’s haunting etching, “The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters,” captures this creature’s darker associations, with bats emerging from the dreamer’s subconscious like fragments of a shadowy psyche. Yet bats also inspire whimsy and wonder, as seen in Richard Doyle’s enchanting “A flight by night of bats and elves.” Here, bats flutter alongside fairy-like creatures in a nocturnal revelry, reminding us that the night holds magic as well as mystery. This duality of the bat – at once ominous and enchanting – reflects our complex relationship with the unknown, inviting us to find beauty in what we fear.

In gothic subcultures and literature, the bat has been elevated to a creature of dark majesty. From the pages of Dracula to the iconic symbolism of Batman, these winged mammals have come to represent fear transformed into strength, reminding us that even in our darkest moments, we have the power to soar. Or that at least we can look really cool and badass in big, black flappy capes.

Moths: Fragile Pursuers of Light

Perhaps the most poetic of our nocturnal trio, moths embody the delicate dance between destruction and desire. Their fatal attraction to light has inspired artists and writers to explore themes of transformation and the allure of the forbidden. The Pre-Raphaelites, with their love of natural symbolism, often included moths in their works, using their ephemeral beauty to speak of mortality and rebirth.

Contemporary artists like Kiki Smith have created haunting works centered around moths, inviting us to contemplate our own fragility and the beauty found in life’s fleeting moments. In literature, from Virginia Woolf’s poignant essay to the chilling motif in “The Silence of the Lambs,” moths continue to flutter through our collective consciousness, reminding us of the thin line between attraction and annihilation.

Together, these creatures form a nocturnal symphony, each playing its part in the grand opera of the night. In art that brings them together, we see a world where wisdom perches watchfully, transformation takes wing, and beauty dances perilously close to the flame. It’s a world that invites us to step beyond the boundaries of our illuminated lives and into the rich, velvety darkness where mystery still thrives.

As we gaze upon artistic renderings of these night dwellers or encounter their symbolism in stories and songs, we’re reminded of the thin veil between our orderly, illuminated world and the vast, unknowable darkness that surrounds us. In the piercing gaze of an owl, the silent swoop of a bat, or the moonlit dance of a moth’s delicate form, we see reflections of our own journeys through light and shadow, wisdom and fear, transformation and ephemerality.

These creatures and the art they inspire invite us to embrace the night – not as a place of terror but as a realm of beauty, mystery, and profound truth. They continue to flutter, flit, and lurk from the edges of our consciousness, reminding us of the unfathomable mysteries that still exist in the universe, just beyond the reach of daylight.

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I approach the highway entrance, a stretch of road I once knew like the back of my hand. But something’s not right. As I prepare to merge, my stomach drops. The once-gentle ramp has transformed into a nightmarish rollercoaster track, rising at an impossible angle. It looms before me, winding ominously with loop-de-loops that defy both gravity and reason.

My car feels suddenly fragile, like a toy at the mercy of this monstrous road. I creep forward, the gentle slope I remember now a vertical wall of asphalt. Other vehicles zoom past, their drivers seemingly oblivious to the Escher-like construct ahead. I grip the wheel, knuckles white, as a voice in my head screams that I can’t do this, that I’ll never make it.

The merge point, once a simple maneuver, now feels like threading a needle while falling from the sky. My breath comes in short gasps as I face this warped version of a once-familiar route.

At least, that’s what happens in my dreams.*

Growing up, I watched my mother’s world shrink as she refused to drive. I became her reluctant chauffeur, ferrying her from place to place, my resentment growing with each mile. I swore I’d never let fear trap me like that. I’d drive. I’d be independent. I’d be free.

And for a while, I was. I moved away to NJ in my 20s and 30s. But suddenly, those comfortable roads where I’d lived most of my life were replaced by a labyrinth of highways and exits. My world shrank to the space between work and home. The fear of accidentally ending up in New York City – a maze of honking horns and aggressive drivers – paralyzed me. I imagined myself trapped on a one-way street to Manhattan, unable to turn back.

(I remember renting a U-Haul for the move to NJ while still in Florida. As I maneuvered that behemoth off the lot, I told myself, “If I can do this, I can do anything. There’s no reason to ever be afraid again.” Oh, how naive I was.)

Life brought me back to Daytona when my grandparents’ health declined. I found myself on familiar ground once more, my anxiety easing as I navigated well-known streets.  It wasn’t my favorite activity, but it didn’t terrify me either.  Then Yvan came into my life, taking the wheel more often than not. I let myself relax into the passenger seat, my driving skills slowly atrophying.

But life, it seems, has a twisted sense of humor. Our move to North Florida thrust me into a world of more intense highways and meaner drivers. For two years, I haven’t driven at all. And then we got a new car – a fresh source of anxiety, a new machine to potentially damage.

Now, as I write this, I’m trying to distract myself from an imminent reality. In ten minutes, I have to drive Yvan to a follow-up appointment with the orthopedist. He broke his foot and suddenly I’m thrust into the driver’s seat again. The appointment is on the other side of town, and I am TERRIFIED.

As I sit here, dreading the drive ahead, I realize that at the heart of my fear, beneath the surreal nightmares and sweaty palms, lies a simple, almost absurd truth: I’m terrified of being honked at.

It’s not the potential for accidents or the complexity of navigating unfamiliar roads that paralyzes me. No, it’s the impatience of other drivers that makes every journey a gauntlet for my nerves.

I imagine their frustration building behind me as I cautiously check my mirrors, as I slow down to read a street sign, as I hesitate before making a turn. In my mind, their horns are always poised, ready to blare out their judgment of my driving. That sound – sharp, loud, accusatory – rings in my ears long before it actually occurs. It’s the sound of my inadequacy, broadcast for all to hear.

This fear transforms every other car on the road into a potential critic, every intersection into a stage where I might fail publicly. The irony is palpable: my caution, born from a desire to drive safely, invites the very reaction I dread. And so I creep along, a bundle of nerves disguised as a car, hoping against hope that today won’t be the day when someone’s impatience boils over into a cacophony of horns.

But the dread of driving doesn’t just affect me when I’m behind the wheel. It casts a long shadow over my entire day. Take today, for instance. I’ve known about this appointment for days, and it’s been like a dark cloud hovering over me, growing larger as the hour approaches.

This morning, I woke up with a knot in my stomach. The drive isn’t until 2 PM, but already, at 8 AM, I’m completely useless. I try to distract myself, to be productive, but my mind keeps circling back to the impending journey. Every task I attempt feels like wading through molasses. I can’t focus on work, I can’t enjoy a book, I can’t even carry on a normal conversation without my thoughts drifting to the drive ahead.

It’s not just driving, either. I’ve experienced this paralysis with other dreaded tasks – important phone calls, difficult conversations, deadlines. The anxiety becomes a thief, stealing hours or even days from me. A 10-minute phone call at 2 PM can render my entire morning a complete wash. It’s as if time stops, trapping me in a limbo of anticipation and fear until the dreaded task is done.

And so I sit, watching the clock tick closer to 2 PM, my productivity and peace of mind held hostage by my own anxiety. I wonder how many hours of my life I’ve lost this way, frozen in anticipation of fears that often prove to be far worse in my mind than in reality. My palms are already sweating. My heart races. In my mind, I see those dream loop-de-loops superimposed on the real roads I’ll have to navigate. But I am not my mother – I will drive.

Unable to focus on anything else, I’ve spent the last hour panic-writing this blog post, desperately trying to distract myself from the impending task. It’s a temporary balm at best. Soon, I’ll have to close my laptop, grab those car keys, and face the road that terrifies me.

But first, another trip to the bathroom. The panic poops have kicked in – that lovely bonus feature of my anxiety that ensures I’ll be as physically uncomfortable as I am mentally distressed. Nothing like a bout of nervous diarrhea to really drive home the point that I’m terrified of driving (does anyone else get the panic poops? They are AWFUL.)

I really don’t know how to end this indulgent, whiny bit of writing other than to say it’s time to leave. I have to go now. Let’s hit the road. IF WE HAVE TO I GUESS.

* I also have driving dreams where my feet stick out through the bottom of the car, like Flintstones characters. Another one is that I am driving, except I am sitting in the back seat, and I have to navigate and handle the steering wheel from around the empty driver’s seat.

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There’s a mesmerizing quality to Jerome Podwil’s book covers that arrests the eye and captivates the imagination. His artistry weaves an irresistible spell, whether depicting the shadowy corridors of gothic romance or the shimmering vistas of far-flung galaxies. Podwil possesses a rare gift: the ability to imbue his subjects with a depth and complexity that transcends the typical boundaries of cover illustration.

Gazing upon a Podwil heroine is akin to peering through a window into a fully realized world. These aren’t mere figments of fantasy, but women with hidden depths and untold stories etched into every line and shadow. Their eyes, rendered with exquisite care, seem to hold secrets just beyond the viewer’s grasp. Each expression is a masterclass in subtle storytelling, hinting at complex emotions and veiled motivations that leave you yearning to unravel their mysteries.

What truly sets Podwil’s work apart is his uncanny ability to marry this psychological depth with an ethereal beauty. His touch is delicate yet assured, creating faces that are at once soft and strong, vulnerable and resolute. The eyes, in particular, are windows not just to the soul of the character, but to entire worlds. They’ve an immersive, expansive quality draw you in so completely that you can almost feel yourself slipping into the character’s perspective, seeing their gothic mansions or starlit skies through their eyes.

Podwil’s affinity for, and fluency in, the gothic is evident in his work on classic tales like Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray or the Dark Shadows novel The Mystery of Collinwood. While these pieces may not be his most daring or groundbreaking creations, they resonate with the eerie charm of the genre. Podwil’s brush dances between light and shadow, conjuring an atmosphere thick with unspoken secrets and lurking supernatural presence. As I gaze at these covers, I’m struck by how effortlessly he distills the essence of gothic literature, that palpable sense of brooding atmosphere and latent supernatural menace, into visual form. These works, while honoring the classic status of their source material, bear the unmistakable mark of Podwil’s artistry – a testament to his ability to infuse even well-trodden paths with his unique vision.

But Podwil’s artistic prowess isn’t confined to the realm of the gothic. His science fiction covers reveal an equally deft touch, transporting viewers to cosmic vistas that feel at once alien and oddly familiar. Where other artists might assault the senses with harsh lines and chromium gleam, Podwil opts for a more nuanced approach. His extraterrestrial landscapes are rendered in muted jewel tones, creating worlds that feel less like cold, distant planets and more like half-remembered dreams.

It’s no wonder that Podwil’s name frequently surfaced during last year’s search for the artist behind the iconic A Wrinkle in Time cover art. While that particular piece wasn’t his work (it is Richard Bober!) the frequent attribution speaks volumes about Podwil’s reputation in the field. His sci-fi illustrations share that same sense of wonder and otherworldly beauty that many associate with classic young adult science fiction.

In Podwil’s hands, celestial bodies become precious gems suspended in the velvet backdrop of space. His galactic empresses and space vampires exude an otherworldly glamour, their alien nature conveyed through subtle, telling details rather than outlandish caricatures. Even his depictions of spaceships and stations possess a whimsical, almost organic quality, as if they’ve grown naturally from the stuff of stars rather than being wrought by future engineers.

Podwil’s approach to science fiction illustration offers a unique perspective in a genre often dominated by sleek, technological imagery. While his covers are rich with detail, they feel more like stumbling upon an ornate treasure chest than poring over a complicated NASA blueprint. Each element, from swirling nebulae to gleaming spacecraft, is rendered with exquisite care, inviting viewers to lose themselves in a galaxy of intricate particulars. This style captures the wonder of space exploration not through sterile precision, but through a sense of opulent mystery that beckons the imagination.

In an era when cover art often served as mere marketing, Podwil elevated it to an art form in its own right. His distinctive style, at once recognizable and ever-surprising, transforms each cover into a carefully composed overture. Layers of visual storytelling complement and expand upon the written word, enriching the reader’s journey from the moment they lay eyes on the book.

Jerome Podwil’s book covers visual feasts and not simply previews, but portals to worlds both familiar and fantastical. When I encounter a Podwil piece, I’m drawn into a narrative that begins long before the first page is turned.

To discover Podwil’s work is to unearth a hidden treasure trove of imagination. His dreamy, evocative style reminds us of the magic inherent in a single image. Whether beckoning us down a gothic mansion’s candlelit corridor or to a distant planet where crystalline spires rise under triple moons, Podwil’s art whispers of midnight revelations and stardust-streaked journeys. Each cover is an invitation to step through the looking glass, a promise of adventure that lingers long after the book is closed. In this artist’s capable hands, the humble book cover becomes a gateway to infinite possibilities, sparking our imagination and priming us for the wonders that await within the pages and beyond

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Tonight over on YouTube, I shared some peeks as to what I did with myself throughout the month of July while I was on my social media break. A little vignette here and there when I otherwise might’ve been wasting time doom-scrolling or falling down useless rabbit holes or being influenced to buy something I definitely did not need. And probably feeling pretty crappy about all of it. Every time I felt tempted to log on, I did something else – anything else! – and this YouTube video is a bit of a cluttered montage of those various random things and activities over the course of the last four weeks.

If you like looking at food, I did a lot of cooking this month! I also shared some current reads, a bookshelf tour, and a little jewelry tour!

This video doesn’t really explain why I sometimes feel compelled to disappear from it all or what I get out of or take away from these breaks, but if you are interested, I wrote all about this a few days ago.

For whatever reason, WordPress has stopped sending email notifications, but just because you are not notified doesn’t mean I’m not writing! I hope you’ll check in every now and again.

Both the video and the blog links can be found in my bio.

P.S. I struggled coming up with a thumbnail idea for this video, and then I remembered how I cut my finger on this creepy antique baby doll’s zipper at one point during the month. I think she cursed me. But the curse then jumped to Ývan, who broke his foot a day or so later.

P.P.S if you are someone who does not like to watch videos, please know that I always put together a pretty robust description box, which includes links to everything that I talk about (and there are A LOT of links!) Feel free to peruse that instead! You should also give the video a like anyway, which then gives me some dopamine. Which is the whole problem with all of this nonsense, isn’t it?

LE SIGH.

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Last month, I embarked on another hiatus from social media – a recurring theme in my digital life, at least in recent years, and one I’ve explored in my writing before. (Six months ago, in fact.)

My decision to step away stemmed from a deeply personal need to create space – space to think, to breathe, to exist without the constant hum of likes, comments, and shares warping my perceptions– but of course, the issues that drove me to this decision are far from unique. They’re the same concerns that many of us grapple with daily as we navigate our increasingly digital lives. However, I felt compelled to examine these problems more closely, to understand their grip on my psyche and their influence on my creative and personal life. With each login, I found myself feeling progressively worse, a creeping, crappy malaise that was becoming impossible to ignore. It was time to step back and really scrutinize why social media was leaving such a bitter taste.

Three main issues kept surfacing, each one familiar yet no less potent:

First, the comparison trap. But it’s not about picture-perfect homes or envy-inducing vacations. No, my comparisons cut deeper, striking at the heart of my creative pursuits. It’s hideously humiliating and somehow vulgar to admit, but it has to do with seeing fellow writers, art enthusiasts, and perfume reviewers garner more success, more followers, more engagement. This is even (and especially) with regard to the people I actually like and respect, but it’s also about people I feel hateful and spiteful toward, ie the agony of watching “art” accounts rack up thousands of likes for posting images without context or depth – a stark contrast to the effort I pour into my efforts. It’s the sting of seeing authors, yes, okay, probably more talented but also infinitely more gregarious, well connected, and good at marketing themselves, embark on glamorous book tours. Or perfume influencers courted by brands to showcase their latest scents.  If I can come right out and say it, it stings to see the loudest people (I might say “most obnoxious” on a crankier day) get all the accolades.

And here’s the rub: it’s not that I necessarily want what they have. I don’t crave to be a brand spokesperson or a social media darling or to be invited as a subject matter expert on some panel or another. But there’s an undeniable twinge of desire to be recognized, to be considered. To have brands (and whoever else) think of me as someone worth approaching, even if I might decline. It’s a peculiar form of FOMO – not fear of missing out on experiences, but fear of missing out on acknowledgment.

This specific brand of comparison is insidious. It doesn’t just make me question my lifestyle or my possessions; it makes me question my worth with regard to the things I’m most passionate about. It’s a constant, gnawing doubt: am I not good enough, or just not visible enough? Or do people just really, really not like me? I once read someone’s musings on Twitter and took it to heart in the worst way. I am very much paraphrasing and embellishing here, but it was something like, “Is it really imposter syndrome? Or are you just unbearably mediocre?” Social media chafes me in this way; my heart is constantly rubbed raw with these feelings.

Second, the pervasive toxicity of online discourse. It’s a landscape where nuance goes to die, and empathy seems in short supply. No matter what you express – be it an opinion, a creative work, or a personal experience – there’s an army of keyboard warriors poised to dissect, criticize, and often, misinterpret your words. This isn’t just about trolls; often, it’s well-meaning individuals who, in their passion for a cause, create an environment where disagreement is tantamount to moral failure. The “discourse” moves at a breakneck pace, with yesterday’s progressive stance becoming today’s faux pas. In this climate, maintaining an authentic voice becomes an exhausting act of resistance, a constant battle between wanting to engage meaningfully and protecting oneself from potential backlash.

Lastly, the insidious nature of manufactured desires. Social media has evolved into a finely-tuned machine, expertly crafting wants we never knew we had. It’s not just about material goods – though suddenly coveting avante gard perfume or books with artfully spooky covers or flowy linen dresses from brands I’ve never heard of is certainly part of it. More pervasively, it sells idealized versions of beauty, relationships, and lifestyles, creating a perpetual state of yearning for often unattainable or even fictional lives. This constant exposure to curated perfection and targeted advertising breeds a gnawing sense of inadequacy. The result is an endless state of low-grade dissatisfaction, a continuous reaching for something just out of grasp. It’s a subtle but persistent assault on contentment, always insinuating that what we have – and who we are – isn’t quite enough.

So I stepped away. And in that absence, I rediscovered something both familiar and startling: a forgotten rhythm of life. It wasn’t just about reclaiming time – though that was certainly part of it. It was about slipping back into a skin I’d long thought I’d outgrown. A simpler, more uncomplicated way of existing that had been patiently waiting for me to remember its cadence.

But time, yes. Lots more of it. The hours previously lost to mindless scrolling and emotional processing of online content were now mine again. And while I didn’t use this reclaimed time to start a revolution or write the next great American novel, I found myself doing more of what I already loved – and loving it even more.

I wrote more blog posts, diving deeper into topics that fascinate me without the distraction of checking for reactions or comparing my output to others. I shared more silliness on Patreon, connecting with my supporters in a way that felt genuine and unhurried. Perfume and book reviews, while they certainly were not without effort, were written at a nearly frantic pace.

Perhaps most surprisingly, I devoured books at a rate that astounded even me – 25 in just one month! It was as if my mind, freed from the constant fragmentation of social media, could lose itself with wild abandon in long-form stories and ideas.

My kitchen saw more action, too, as I experimented with new recipes and rediscovered old favorites. And it’s a good thing I had this extra time and energy because life, as it often does, pulled out the rug from underneath us. Metaphorically speaking. It was more like entangled vines than a rug. Yvan broke his foot, suddenly doubling my household responsibilities (and maybe exponentially skyrocketing my anxiety.) Yet, even with this added stress, I found myself more capable of adapting and managing than I might have been a month ago.

The most profound realization, however, wasn’t about productivity or regaining control over my time. It was a feeling of lightness. And clarity. And I know that sounds cheesy or self-helpy or whatever, but I can’t deny that the constant background noise of comparison, judgment, and artificial desire had lifted in a really significant way, leaving me with a sense of something that, if not “contentment,” well, it was somewhat close. Despite the fact that this had been the month from hell, I guess it at least was a month where I was fully present in my own life. Did that feel “good”? I don’t know about all that.

So how did it feel? It felt a little bit like those summers as a kid when I had nothing to do but lounge around on our overheated screened porch and read all day. I read voraciously, one book after the other. With no thought in my mind about sharing reading stats, taking artful photos of my TBR piles, making public book recommendations after each title was finished, or worrying if the author I just shared was somehow problematic and I didn’t realize it, and now everyone’s going to jump down my throat and make me feel like a giant piece of shit about it

In essence, extrapolating beyond the book analogy, I simply existed. I did things for the sake of doing them, without the compulsion to share or perform for an online audience. It wasn’t about feeling good or bad; it was about just being. Each day was simply a day, lived on its own terms. The word that comes to mind is “uncomplicated.” Without the constant junky noise of social media, life took on a different quality. Even in the face of July’s typical challenges and unexpected hurdles, everything felt… lighter. Easier to navigate. It wasn’t that problems disappeared, but rather that I could face them without the added weight of digital expectations and comparisons.

Now, as I log back in, I’m under no illusion that this is a long-term fix. There’s a good chance I’ll soon be back to mindless scrolling and needless comparisons. It’s a familiar cycle.

Still, this month wasn’t wasted. I’ve rediscovered that I can function—even thrive—without constant connection. When Yvan’s broken foot pulled the rug from under us, I managed without the added malcontent that social media often brings.

Will anything change long-term? Who knows. But I’ve reminded myself there are alternatives when it all becomes too much. You’ll likely catch me contemplating another break soon enough. (Or maybe I’ll spare you the 1500-word exposition next time.)

Until then, see you online. Or not. We’ll see how it goes.

Psst! If you’re curious what I did with myself and all that extra time, stay tuned for a YouTube video where I check in all through the month and share what I’m up to each day!

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Though I have not been sharing perfume reviews on social media this month, I haven’t stopped smelling things and writing about them! I have been especially busy over on the Midnight Stinks Patreon, with these 5 am empty world ruminations being the most current post over there.

Anyway, here are the twenty or so fragrances I tickled my snoot with this past month…!

Aura from Folie À Plusieurs unfolds like a luminous apparition undulating above an endless expanse of sun-baked desert. The opening is a radiant display of warm, peppery ginger and cool, effervescent citrus in an almost holographic way, reminiscent of the way heat ripples above scorched sand—an olfactory mirage. As the initial brilliance settles, there are the cracked and tangled limbs of aromatic woods, the sun-bleached, tenacious timber that survives in arid climes. Incense weaves through these notes, adding an ethereal smokiness, and the vetiver in the base provides a rooty- woody-earthy anchor, amplifying the overall dryness. Ambroxan lends a diffusive quality, creating an expansive halo that seems to pulse and shift with radiance. Aura is a masterful, mesmerizing study in dryness and light that captures the magic of that liminal space where earth meets atmosphere, the mundane touches the divine, and is a testament to the raw beauty of desolate landscapes and the mystical lights that sometimes grace them.

Hexenhaus 23 from Hexennacht is a portal to a fantastical bookstore, softly sagging wooden shelves brimming with magical tomes that smell of mythical desert spices, ancient toadstool-peppered woodlands, and Byzantine basilicas shrouded in clouds of incense, transporting you to the far-away places detailed within their arcane pages. Yet, to access this literary paradise, one must first traverse a basement with an air of enigmatic antiquity – hints of damp stone, the faint tang of old pipes, and the musty whisper of long-forgotten herbs create an air of thrilling mystery, history, and secrets. Hexenhaus 23 is a shape-shifting scent, each inhale a new chapter in an olfactory grimoire, the scented stories of a thousand enchanted realms.

The most wonderful Flannery Grace Good returned from Italy with a bounty of fragrance samples for me from the house of Culti. Apparently, these perfumes have not been sold in the US yet, so this is a mysterious treat! I first tried Tessuto, which I believe is Italian for tissue, or fabric–and it really does conjure a gorgeous gossamer unfolding, a drapey silken or linen scarf unfurling, the memory of its wearer cocooned within. Soft, fluffy cotton flower and delicate jasmine honey entwine with satiny woods and silky musks with subtle wisps of incense in the dry down for a scent that presents a more diffused, hazy interpretation of conventional “clean” fragrances. This is a quiet–almost casual– companion for those who find beauty in simplicity, but which occasionally catches you off guard with its understated elegance.

Kayali Invite Only Amber smells like spotting wonky, off-brand Spirit Halloween costumes in July. As in they attempted to capture the unparalleled autumnal opulence of Hermès Ambre Narguile, and put an orange spray tan on a white gourd and said, “ok, this is good enough, let’s call it Luxe Hookah Honeycomb or Fancy Tobacco Haze or maybe something really dumb, like Invite Only Amber.” It’s like a honeyed saffron cotton candy miasma, a saccharine amber simulacrum from a seedy midsummer carnival that leaves you longing for the rich, resinous depths of October’s golden hour.

Two scents from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab…

Treasure is a bright, gorgeous, golden sweetness, like citrus caramelized by a fiery sunset, beneath which something pearlescent and powdery swirls, rootless blooms born in twilight skies. Seafoam and honey, dissolving at dusk. Salt-weathered driftwood etches washed ashore speaks to liminal spaces between sea and shore, day and night, memory and dream…

…Which brings us to Dreamer of Dreams, wherein loamy lavender blooms, sweetly earthy and aromatic, an amethystine herbaceousness intertwining with the bittersweet floral tang of sour plums. These notes swirl and eddy, pulling you deeper into murky waters of consciousness. From these violet-clouded depths, a sparkling citrusy brightness pierces, as if through deep water, guiding the dreamer upward. But as dreams are wont to do, the scene shifts abruptly. The light turns sharp and piercing, transforming into a pair of eyes – emerald as new leaves, stinging and keen. They cut through the dreamy haze, a surreal beacon in the depths. And just as reality seems within grasp, the scent dissolves into phantom wisps of frankincense smoke, curling impossibly through the watery realm.

I’ve been sitting on these reviews for these two new collabs from BPAL x bloodmilk for over a month now, and in doing so, it looks like both scents have sold out! But I know in the past they have restocked various fragrances, so who knows, we may see them again…

LETHE is the languid escape endlessly downward, deep into the cool, indifferent embrace of shadows, past the mists, the driftwood, the cypress knees. A dream of the sovereign of a rain-soaked realm, their heart a stony tomb where green waters slowly pulse, instead of blood. An eerie, emerald luminescence, the quietude of forgotten things, and the mordant astringency of embittered ghosts clutching pale flowers of the dead.

In PYTHIA, jeweled walls weep with myrrh, their tears an opulent, balsamic wash of whispers. Dusky plums, swollen with strange knowledge and light caught in limbo, stain the tongue a starless sigh. Honeyed and dripping, dreams incubate as thick syrupy glimmers, opaque with the remembrance of things you never knew you’d forgotten, only to be forgotten again and again and again. A narcotic lullaby, a lavish cosmic jest, this ambrosial abundance of oblivion

Zoologist Northern Cardinal I don’t know if I love this scent but I sure appreciate the very specific scene it evokes. This is the crisp chill of a winter garden seen through the warm glow of the kitchen window on an early December evening.  Behind the window, the tea kettle whistles, and the quilts are cozy, but beyond that frost-flowered pane of glass, the world glitters with icicles dripping from the eaves; the bird bath has frozen over, its surface a mirror of pale sky. The fragrance opens with a brisk burst that reflects the scene outside. A profuse, aromatic green note tells of evergreen boughs laden with snow and the tingly bite of frozen air catching your breath and filling your lungs. The snow crunches underfoot before your scuffed brown boot plunges through a six-inch crust of the stuff – a sensation echoed in the scent’s subtle leather undertones and earthy base notes of dormant soil. A beady-eyed, red cardinal glares at you from a fencepost before taking off in a flurry of flight, a scarlet flash against a hush of white, a burst of color that finds its olfactory equivalent in a vivid bramble of winter berries, bright and bittersweet. As the fragrance settles, it reveals woody notes, log piles, and weathered barns, staunch sentinels against the winter landscape. It dries to a musty green whisper, the brushing aside of a swath of snow to find a patch of deeply dreaming grass beneath a blanket of pristine crystalline silence.

Yellow Lemon Tree Dixit & Zak I am on a mission to find something similar to the lemon-ginger-glamazon-15-minute-long guitar solo of TRNP Lemon Blossom (by the time I finished my sample, it was discontinued!). Today, I am trying Yellow Lemon Tree from Dixit & Zak. This is …not it. This is a minute droplet of off-brand lemon extract dribbled into a bottle of embalming fluid with a soupçon of acetone and sold as niche perfumery with a price tag of nearly $300. NEXT PLEASE.

Dark Season from Neil Morris is a scent that calls for a bit of a storytime, and you can read more of that over on my Patreon. But to sum up, It is a scent of smoky woods/rich, dusty amber that smells of the dramatic tenebrism of all those old, spooky gothic novels and musty 19th-century weird fiction, of ancient landscapes and loam, the soot of pine logs, ghostly smoke and sifting snow in a strangely lit field, a somber ochre, an umbral amber, frost-rimmed branches scraping a scrim of leaden sky, footprints vanishing in freshly fallen snow, the creak of the wind whistling around standing stones, something terrible let loose in the dark, something that eventually fades until it’s nothing more than an unquiet feeling or a cold shiver on a warm day.

I received a sample of Chasing Autumn when I ordered Dark Season from Neil Morris, and I might love it so much more than Dark Season that it is actually making me feel disloyal. It brings to life the autumn I’ve always yearned for, living in Florida’s endless summer. It’s a scent that captures not just a season but a frame of mind and a state of being I’m perpetually seeking. Millais’ painting “Autumn Leaves” comes to mind – a twilight scene where young girls gather fallen foliage, their faces touched with a melancholic reverence for the changing season. The painting draws our eyes to a vivid pile of rustling leaves, with only a wisp of smoke hinting at a distant bonfire.

This fragrance, however, boldly brings that bonfire to the forefront. The fir and birch tar notes roar to life, evoking the crackling warmth of autumn nights I’ve only imagined. It’s as if Morris has taken that implied warmth from Millais’ canvas and made it the heart of this olfactory experience. The leather and coffee accords add depth, reminiscent of cozy evenings of the sort I feel in Emily Brontë’s poetry.

Emily Brontë’s “Fall, Leaves, Fall” echoes as I wear this scent. Her words are not just poetry but an invocation – a chant to usher in the coming winter. The line “Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree” feels like a spell being cast, and this fragrance embodies that mystical transition. Where Brontë’s poem is a call to the approaching cold, Chasing Autumn captures the very essence of that summoning.

ALSO this scent conjures the underlying atmosphere of Over The Garden Wall, stripped of its childish elements (I love those elements! But!) It evokes that sense of being lost in an autumnal otherworld, where mystery and melancholy reign supreme. The fragrance captures the essence of wandering through the Unknown, with its subtle menace and ominous presence lurking just beneath the surface of fallen leaves and shadowy forests.

Chasing Autumn is an homage to those flickering fires of autumn, allowing me to immerse myself in a fall feeling that exists more in my mind than in my subtropical reality. It’s a sensory journey to the autumn I chase year after year, never quite reaching but always dreaming of – a season both beautiful and slightly foreboding.

With Witch’s Spell thought I was getting the kind of craggy, forested woodland Vvitch you might find in a Roger Eggers film; this is instead more along the lines of a gloriously kitschy-campy hyper-saturated swinging ’60s meets ruffled Victorian boudoir of Anna Biller’s The Love Witch. Initially, it’s this heady, slithery, intoxicating coil of orange blossom, reminiscent of the almost narcotic allure of Elaine herself. It borders on desperately sweet, but with an edge that hints at something more complex beneath the surface (it made me think of tuberose with its indolic, waxy sweetness.) Cashmere and fir needle bring a cognitive dissonance, mirroring the film’s blend of soft femininity and underlying danger and patchouli and jasmine further amp up the fragrance’s vixienish va-va-voom qualities. The dry-down is powdery and somehow vulnerable, like the illusion of self-dissolving when you realize all you really want is just to be loved, but you keep accidentally killing your paramours with all of your love potion love-bombing. Note: Witch’s Spell is not listed on the site, but according to Neil Morris, the amount of offerings available would make the site unnavigable if they were all listed, so apparently you just order any “vault” perfume or sample, and in the comment section at checkout, simply tell him which unlisted fragrance you want, and he will substitute.

Vietnamese Coffee from d’Annam I really wanted to love this fragrance; I was so intrigued by the idea. But the reality of it is that it smells like sour coffee-breathed admonishments and secondhand smoke from your cranky mother when you’re wearing too much fruity-floral Ex’cla-ma’tion eau de toilette and several greasy layers of cotton candy Lip Smackers before heading off for your first day of junior high circa 1989. It dries down to days-old espresso shots sloshing at the bottom of a pink Caboodles organizer.

Green Star from Cocoa Pink. This is a weird one. I was intrigued by the notes of cypress and fennel list, and along with all the rest of the notes, it coalesces in a perfume that both repulses and obsesses me, like how your tongue continues to probe the bloody hole of a broken tooth and even as you gag at the coppery tang of blood and feel the unsettling discomfort, you can’t stop. That’s not a great analogy. This doesn’t smell anything like blood or broken-toothed phobias, but it does have the vague aspect of something that makes me dry heave whenever I encounter it. I desperately hate all forms of mint, particularly wintergreen with its camphorous confectionary qualities. Green Star, weirdly, and perhaps because of that licoricey fennel, does have this mentholated, candied sweetness. And yet it’s enrobed in this rich, slithery musk, and this gorgeous golden veil of gingery-amber resins and becomes something almost mystical, both sacred and profane. It’s a paradox that leaves me teetering on the edge of revulsion and reverence, and I’m compelled to both sing its praises while also resisting the urge to puke.

In Régime des Fleurs Nitesurf Neroli, many fathoms below the sky and sea, a candied grotto pulses with crystalline sweetness. Whipped orange blossom honey stalactites drip into luminous pools; sirens writhe in neon foam, their voices piercing shards of light. Hypersaturated quartz blooms dissolve in the damp and darkness, a bright ginger and glacé citron pollen strobing in the mist. Fossilized shells from conch and clam and sea snail scatter, their ancient forms crusted with sugared jewels, catching and refracting the shimmering glow. Every surface glistens with a rusk of candied brilliance, and time dissolves in saline musk in this underwater disco frenzy of sugar-coated excess, looping endlessly, eternally electric. This is the sweetness mermaids whisper, each to each, beneath the waves.

Lastly, I was influenced by one of the Japanese lifestyle YouTubers that I watch. It’s a couple; the channel is called Hige and Me, or Hige to Watashi, and they’re the kind of artsy, somewhat minimalist, very too-cool-for-school kind of individuals that I secretly want to be, except I am pretty much the exact opposite of them in every way. Anyway, they live in Tokyo, and she just went on a trip to Korea, and in a recent haul video she did, she shared some perfume she got from the brand Nonfiction. I was suckered in because, if I am being honest, I liked the way the bottles looked. I have only tried about half of them so far, and they’re all pretty subtle, but it’s the one I am wearing now that I really love. Santal Cream is very similar to Le Labo Santal 33 but less picklish, or so I hear. I have never actually tried Santal 33, so my experience is that this one is a very fuzzy, figgy woody scent. Gentle Night is a sour soapy aquatic with the underlying unpleasant effluvium of a mildewed laundry pile. Forget Me Not is a spicy, effervescent herbaceous scent, very green, almost crocodilian in its greenness. A crocodile slithering through a wild patch of mint. But it’s For Rest that has my whole heart. It opens with an incense-y citrus note,  a sort of shadowy yuzu–not smoky per se, but sort of dim lit and flickering. Hinoki can sometimes strike me as a little harsh, but combined with the nutmeg and peppery musk, I think it lends a bright, spiced sweetness here. This is really beautiful. It’s a scent that’s too earthy and grounding to be called mystical or mysterious, but it’s too interesting for me to think of as cozy or even mundane. Perhaps it’s a perfume that straddles both worlds in the sense that it’s somehow deeply familiar and surprisingly evocative, a scent that lulls you into a comfortable reverie even as it leaves you with a lingering sense of wonder.

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