If you were to look at me now, except for the occasional black dress (or, well — ok… A LOT of black dresses); you would never think, hey, that lady was a teenage goth. I’m fairly “normal” looking, whatever that means. I guess I mean I don’t much look like someone who is or has ever been into any sort of alternative lifestyle. Maybe if you spent some time talking with me without ever having seen me, you might begin to form some sort of goth-y impression due to various interests or whatever. But I’m not.
I’m really not.
I don’t have many photos of myself as a teen, but in them you would see a healthy looking 14 or 15 or 16 year girl old with frizzled, fried blonde hair, wearing a lot of heavy metal tee shirts. The hair was thanks to my mother; I don’t know why she wanted us blonde (“us”, for my sisters underwent the same surreal afternoon Sun-In treatments), but this resulted in a brassy mop and a lot of damaged, split ends.
The heavy metal tee shirts were black — that just goes with the territory, I suppose.
I read a lot of horror back then, as I do now. Ghost stories. Weird tales, tales of the unknown. That sort of thing. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t gravitate toward those stories. Ever since I saw Scooby Doo encounter his first vampire, I recall being fascinated by these things.
I was a loner and didn’t have any friends, really. At least any friends of my own. If our lunch periods intersected, I would eat with my sister and her friends, or my boyfriend at the time, but for the most part I was alone. I would hunt out a secluded corner (even if it meant on the floor, right next to the girl’s bathroom), settle in, pull out a book, and eat my lunch while no doubt getting crumbs in the pages.
While never actually a goth, I have always been a slob.
Back to the heavy metal music. It felt like at that time there was a division between people who listened to {Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Suicidal Tendencies} and those who listened to things like The Cure, or Depeche Mode. As if you couldn’t listen to both, or all! Well, that’s teenage-think for you, I guess. I also remember thinking Morrissey was incredibly lame. Confession: I still do.
Anyway, when people refer to me or my writing or whatever in any sort of goth-y way, I get really uncomfortable. I feel like a giant fraud. I mean, I didn’t even listen to Disentegration until I was 35! (And to be honest, I really liked it.) Maybe I am a late in life goth, I don’t know. Maybe I have a secret goth heart.
My secret goth heart looks like Holly Hobby, if she wore all black, by the way.
My secret goth heart loves cemetery strolls and melancholy piano tinklings and all poetry –even the “bad” stuff. It loves thunderstorms and gloomy days and mossy castles and spooky tea parties and seances. It loves gothic romance and horror novels and antiquated ghost stories and scary movies in dark houses. It loves black lace and ruffles and sequins and dark florals and embellished bonnets and parasols. It loves dark art and darker music and the darkest humor.
20 years later it has still not unraveled the mystery of what makes Morrissey so great, though.
I need a word for I’m “really not goth at all but I am super into darkness”, just so I can set people straight. If I’m going to be labeled, let’s figured this out.
I am so excited to be working with a talented group of friends and artists on a thrilling collaborative project that we hope to make available early this year. My co-conspirator has begun releasing wee sneak peeks at some of the artwork included in our cooperative creative devil-baby so I thought I might follow suit and start generating some buzz (Beelze-buzz?) about the project!
I’m won’t say too much about it…I don’t want to spoil any surprises…but you’ve perhaps become aware of this adult coloring book/activity book trend, yes? Maybe you are intrigued, sure, you love the idea of soothing zen activities and mindfulness and all that sort of thing, but well…you’ve not jumped in because you’re not exactly all sweetness and light, are you? And these cutesy, cornball books currently on the market aren’t quite geared toward your darker sensibilities, eerie aesthetics and esoteric interests, are they?
Be patient for just a little while longer, friends. In the meantime, collect your demon-summoning colored chalks… you’re about to find your Zen moment on the dark side…
Occult activity book art {artist: Becky Munich}Occult activity book art {artist: Becky Munich}
A new mix; some personal favorites from 2015. I meant to get this done yesterday. Ah, well…procrastinating right into the new year. Nothing’s changed.
Track list: Adolescence, Brown Bird | Witches, Vaginapocalypse | Buried Alive, Hannah Rosa | Darkening Bell, Emily Portman | Cardamom, Weyes Blood | Enchanter’s Nightshade, Eternal Tapestry | Cruel Henry, The Hare And The Moon | All The Land Ablaze, Laura Cannell | Hellebore, Julia Kent | Mirage, Drift | STILLBIRTH, Alice Glass | STONEFIST, HEALTH | Grey Days, Chelsea Wolfe | Black Butterfly, King Dude | From The Pinnacle To The Pit, Ghost B.C. | Den Lille Piges Død, Myrkur | Open Road, Christian Mistress | The Alchemist, Karyn Crisis | Come Wander with Me / Deliverance, Anna von Hausswolff | What Kind Of Man by Florence + The Machine | Album: How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful | High By The Beach, Lana Del Rey | Prologue, Richard Moult | Apogee, Johanna Warren | Oracle, Paper Dollhouse | Tristesse Télescopique, Oskar Schuster
Photo credit: Annie Stephens (not actually knit in 2015)
2015 was, I’m afraid, the year of several knitting failures. At the tail end of 2014 I finished my most ambitious project to date, and for whatever reason, it’s been downhill ever since then. Fearing I would never be able to surpass that glorious achievement, I should have begun ramping up my skill levels by practicing and mastering new techniques; instead, I slowed down and went back to basics. Back to the beginning. 2015 was the year of a lot of socks and scarves, with the occasional simple shawl or cowl thrown in to keep things interesting.
Pattern: Spiral Cowl. Mostly knit in Portland and the picot edging was a pain…but it was so lovely when finished. Unfortunately this was lost in the mail and never reached it’s intended recipient. Major sad face.
Bitteroot. This pattern is an old friend, which I return to visit and re-work every few years. Sent to a lady who assures me she wears it as a personal talisman.
A basic entrelac scarf. My first foray into entrelac knitting, which, as it turns out, is not so difficult. Sent to a brilliant lady in the midwest who shares my intense love of perfumes.
Pattern: Boneyard shawl. Knit up with the remnants of some rustic yarn from Finland. Gifted to a generous, thoughtful woman who is also a cemetery ghost.
The pattern is Rose Red, but I’ve been calling it Strawberry Gothcake, because it looks like a little beret that Strawberry Shortcake’s gothiest gang member would wear. Sent away to a witchy friend on the other side of the world.
I also forget the name of the pattern for this blurry cowl. (Edit: it’s Ilean) Send away to the aforementioned perfumed lady.
Pattern: Hermione’s Everyday Socks. Sent away to a friend whose lovely hair reminded me of these mermaid colors.
Entrelac scarf, take two. Knitted for BGF, who was so taken with the first version and the plummy violet of the yarn.
Froot Loop socks in the most technicolor shade. Given away to an exquisite harpy who is half woman, half hair, all awesome.
I knit several pairs of these Dashing Mitts this year. One was lost in the black void along with the cowl above, one now keeps a friend up North safe and warm, and I have no idea wear the last pair ended up. Maybe I only knit two. Hm.
The Iris wrap, knit for a sweet lady whom I would love to join for tea and cocktails and foggy strolls one day.
I have a weird habit wherein every time I write something, I feel compelled to design an outfit around it. Obviously in the virtual sense – my wallet could not possibly withstand this peculiar compulsion!
Below are 15 (okay, it’s actually probably more like 20-30) ensembles created in 2015, including links back to the articles, essays, or ramblings that inspired their creation. As always, click through the image to find details on the items included.
The Pilgrim’s Rest in Burma, circa 1900: A female Victorian traveler looks out with a telescope
This year saw a great deal of activity for me. I suppose maybe I was trying to fit in everything I could during the last year of my 30s? Well, that’s not quite true. Some of these things were not adventures I had planned on, or even wanted.
Either way, I’ve come a long way from that 35 year old woman living in New Jersey, holed up in my terribly insulated house, missing my family, afraid to go anywhere or do anything, and just…stagnating. To the point of stagnation, as one of my sisters would say.
In 2015 I hosted two Death Cafes: one in February and one in November. The earlier one was covered by a local newspaper who had interviewed me beforehand and who were there on site during the event. The second one was a little less nerve-wracking. Both were illuminating, enlightening experiences, and as with every Death Cafe I’ve hosted, I have walked away with wonderful new ideas and lovely new friends.
In 2015 I saw the Acrocats! Which was weird and fun and I would totally recommend it to a friend, unless you have terrible cat allergies.
In 2015, my sister, her husband, my man and I took a wee roadtrip to Atlanta, where we stayed for the weekend and saw the Decemberists perform. It was, I maintain, one of the best shows of my life.
In 2015 I visited Portland (read part I and part II) for the second time. Portland, OR has become one of our favorite cities, and this time we explored along with a group of friends. Food – so much food -was consumed, sights were seen, monsters were vanquished! (We spent a day indoors playing D&D. As you do when there’s a whole city outside just begging to be seen.)
In 2015 I traveled to NJ & NY for work and didn’t die of sadness. I’ll most likely be working for this company for awhile (I’ve already been here for 10 years), so I am sure this won’t be the last time I will make this trip. I also had my first drink alone in an airport bar while reading a really dumb book for which I overpaid because I was desperate for reading material.
Traveled to DC for a whirlwind weekend trip of museums and dumplings and German food and impromptu Santa conventions. Immediately afterward, I traveled to Naples, FL for more work related stuff… but despite the anxiety from hobnobbing with super posh people, it was an interesting trip. I rented a car and drove around a city by myself (granted, it’s a small city with lots of parking and super easy streets) had my first-ever visit with a massage therapist, and I visited a museum that had a fantastic Halston and Saint Laurent exhibit.
Met several someones! I have gotten to know so many people via the internet – you know, via the usual suspects -tumblr, instagram, twitter, facebook. Every once in a while now, I actually meet these folks! In Portland I met up with two amazing ladies for art and cocktails; later I met with a wonderfully special person whom I absolutely adore for tiki drinks. This past October I met up with a woman with whom I’ve been talking for years, she attended the Ghost show with us (which was the second best show I’ve ever seen), and she even sat through a later night viewing of Hedwig and the Angry Inch with us! I met a fellow writer for coffee locally and we exchanged holiday DIY boozes, and most recently I met with one of my Death Cafe ladies for coffee and a chat.
I don’t know if that last one technically counts, since I already met her in person, like, three times, but hey – this is a big deal for me. I am going out and doing things! WITH PEOPLE! And I didn’t freak out about it and I didn’t flake out at the last minute. This is huge progress for me. This is one of the most important things I have been wanting to do for myself. This is huge.
Austin people! New York people! San Francisco people! You just watch out – I’m going to want to meet with you all soon, too.
This was a year for some interesting opportunities and I am honored to have contributed to the following blogs/websites/publications. Thank you for having me, folks!
Here’s a hodge-podge list of things I either stumbled across or that were recommended to me, in no particular order, that I ended up being pretty thrilled with in 2015.
Previously: 14 things I loved in 2014
BEAUTY
The Iope Air Cushion is one of the items I discovered during my Korean beauty product phase earlier in the year that I am still excited about and that I will probably be replacing once it runs out. It is a “unique formula-soaked sponge that has all the benefits of a BB cream (anti-aging, moisturizing, skin-evening coverage and SPF protection). It comes with an equally innovative non-absorbing puff that wicks the formula off of the sponge and effortlessly applies evenly onto your face, for that dewy no-makeup, makeup look.” What I like most about it is that quick, fast and easy. My time is valuable and when I want to throw a face on in a hurry, this is the best thing in my arsenal. It’s got a light, lovely fragrance, it feels cooling when you apply it, it’s very hydrating, and it works quite well with my sometimes sensitive and irritable skin. Love, love, love.
LVNEA’s Wild in the Woods is a mossy, loamy scent fragrant with sweetly decaying forest vegetation. It reminds me of walking around a local pond; there is one spot where the water line meets the exposed tree roots that smells exactly like this subtle, unique perfume.
I ordered several of the Icelandic Yule Lad scents from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s recent Yule update, but it was Ketkrókur who stole my heart. Ketkrókur (Meat Hook) comes down from the mountains on December 23, Saint Thorlak’s Day, to steal your hangikjöt with his hook hand. Rude! The notes for BPAL’s version of this dinner thief consist of “labdanum, patchouli, dragon’s blood resin, and clove” and is spicy and warm, slightly powdery from the dragon’s blood and with a tinge of sweetness from the labdanum. It’s an aggressive scent out of the bottle, but one that quickly settles down and behaves in the most lovely way. It smells nothing like smoked lamb, or metal hooks, or stinky trolls, thankfully.
BOOKS
I am not a phenomenal reviewer of media (or even a very good one, or a decent one) so I am just going to provide you with a list of books an incomplete sentence or two about each. Please note, not all of these titles were published this year, these were merely books I read this year, and thoroughly enjoyed.
The Doll Collection– Short stories exploring the darkness of the creepy doll trope, but avoiding the clichés. Not a dud in the bunch. Megahex– Graphic novel about a depressed stoner witch, her cat, and their “friends”. These people are deadbeats and scumbags and basically terrible. The Vorrh -A genre defying, mythic read, following several storylines (some more engaging than others). The language is dense and deliberate; I wanted to read and re-read and savor every sentence because each one was so perfectly crafted. A Pretty Mouth -Not quite what I expected and so I’m not going to spoil any surprises. A novella of sorts, following the exploits of one family through the years, though not exactly by a direct path. Witty and decadent and sinister. Recommended to me by a fellow whose tastes I trust implicitly. Revenants – Recommendaton #2 from the above mentioned gentleman. A highly atmospheric, eerie tale set in a small colonial New England village. Three young woman disappear. Inexplicable incidents follow. Secrets are revealed. Grim reckoning looms. Harvest Home -Published in the late 60s, details a family’s move from the city to a simple country life ruled by the land, and the discoveries that ensue. A slow burn but worth the effort, and the magic and mystery of the small town life is something that lingered with me, despite…well, if you’ve not yet read it, I will stop there. The Taxonomy of the Space Between Us – I read several books of poetry this year – stunning collections, all – but this is the one that resonated with me on a very visceral, very emotional level. Devastating and unrelenting, it is a haunting chronicle of grief and and ineffable sibling bonds that remain even after death. The Wicked + The Divine – The story of reincarnated gods as pop stars; slick, beautiful art and a high concept story line, this wasn’t always easy for me to follow, but it was fun to get lost in.
FILM
I did not watch many movies this year, and I’m afraid the ones I did watch didn’t leave much of an impression on me. The Duke of Burgundy, however, was absolutely delicious. I wrote briefly about it back in May, and described it thusly: “Gorgeous lesbian lovers/lepidoptera enthusiasts have minor spat”. I’m really not sure there was much more to this dreamy film (advertised as “Sex, Bondage, & Butterflies”), but I am fairly certain I could watch it again, and again, and again.
At the very top of my list is Ghost’s Meliora, of course. If I look at my music library I can clearly observe that this was my most listened-to album this year. I almost feel like it’s not even fair to list it because it’s so obvious, but there you have it. Below are a handful of other artists whose albums I enjoyed as well.
Summary: There’s a lot of books on this list. Films were disappointing. I listened to the same thing over and over. I tried a great deal of cosmetics and beauty products, but only a few were standouts.
…And that’s probably about 15 things, right? I’ll confess that lost count halfway through. What have you discovered, re-discovered, or uncovered that was pretty great this year? Tell me all about it!
Listen, I’ll level with you here. There’s no one who can shop for you like you can.
Unless you are providing your friends and loved ones with highly detailed lists which note exactly what something is and where it can be found (which I’ve come to think of as kind of tacky, but your mileage may vary!) it is unlikely you are going to receive that weird/macabre/grotesque/OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT item on your list for which you have been longing intensely.
So here’s what you do. Your holiday shopping is, I assume, done and over with, correct? You can breathe a sigh of relief. Pour a glass of wine…or a shot of whiskey…or whatever your poison is – except – please, for the love of all things holy, not one of those vulgar energy drinks.
It is now time to focus on you and what you want – and no, I am fairly certain it is not that Bath and Body Works gift basket in some gross, fruity scent you’ll never wear or that gaudy hummingbird wind-chime from someone who learned 20 years ago that you liked hummingbirds and never listened when you told them gently that your tastes had changed since you graduated from high school.
(And don’t get me wrong – I love it when people think of me enough to buy me a gift, and I am grateful…I just don’t ever expect someone is going to get me that thing that I really, really, want!)
It is now time to throw a few gifts for yourself under the tree! Consider the following items and please note that they all have the mlleghoul stamp of approval, for they have been purchased solely by and for myself.
Books
If you are not already entranced by Segovia Amil’s dark, captivating beauty on instagram, you’ll be bewitched by her words in Ophelia Wears Black, her first published book of poetry. “Ophelia Wears Black is a collection of poetry and prose focusing on the shadow aspects and dark side of the human experience through the eyes of a young girl. Divided into four parts, each mirroring the cycling seasons, we follow Ophelia into her own re-imagined Underworld where she learns to make sense of and find the perfection and necessity of her own inner darkness.”
I have not been able to put down Folk Horror Revival: Field Studiessince receiving it a few weeks ago, it is some of the most compelling, fascinating writing I have ever read on one of my very favorite subject. Featuring essays and interviews by many great cinematic, musical, artistic and literary talents, Folk Horror Revival: Field Studies is the most comprehensive and engaging exploration to date of the sub genre of Folk Horror and associated fields in cinema, television, music, art, culture and folklore. AND 100% of all profits from sales of the book will be charitably donated to environmental, wildlife and community projects undertaken by The Wildlife Trusts.
Music & Art & Baubles
Lost Voices: Volume 1 – Keening and The Death Wail: Lost Voices explores vocal improvisation in folk culture. Volume 1: Keening and the Death Wail considers Keening (a traditional improvised vocal lament) practised by women in ancient Ireland and worldwide. Includes a 31 page booklet exploring the history of the art of keening with a cd of audio examples.
Easeful Death labradorite coffin ring from bloodmilk (sorry for my hands, I know those pointy witch claws are en vogue right now, but I can’t knit with those nails and I’d probably put my eye out.) “Cast immortal in sterling silver, bat wing and leg bones molded from the real thing, are composed into a beautiful setting cradling a labradorite coffin cut jewel.”
Death and the Maiden art print, by artist Tenebrous Kate of Heretical Sexts: “The virginal blush of youth and the icy hand of death, Eros and Thanatos, vanity and decay. Emerging from the imagery found in Medieval depictions of the Dance of Death, the motif of Death and the Maiden is at once macabre and erotic.”
Littlest friend bat cloisonné pin from Cat Coven. Perfect for lapels – whether they’re gracing leather jackets or spooky granny cardigans!
A ghostly white resin hand pendant on recycled black leather from artist Alice Rogers of Trances and Portents.
Eau de Mort parody ad art print by the incomparably lovely Becky Munich. This one is a bit of a cheat since it was a gift, but I have several prints from Becky hanging on my walls and there is space for several more -so no doubt many purchases from this talented artist will occur in the future!
Fragrant Fripperies
There’s not a Yule that goes by wherein I am not sorely tempted by Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s seasonal winter holiday scents, and how could I resist this years offerings, which included the Icelandic Yule lads (not pictured). The answer is that I could not.
I also treated myself to a sampler set from The House of Orpheus, which is something I have been meaning to do for a while. Enodia is lovely beyond compare – “… ancient goddess of the streets. She is the Nachtfalter, the moth, the night butterfly. Guided by the moon and associated with Artemis, Hekate and Persephone. Black Storax would have been in the incense burned in offering to this goddess of the street and so we base this perfume in Black Storax, with notes of Black Agars Wood, Moroccan Myrrh, and Vanilla. It is exalted by the alchemical oil of silver”.
Also! I’ve loved the candles from Burke and Hare for awhile now, so much so that I tend to burn through their offerings much too quickly. On a whim, during a recent sale, I picked up Dragon’s Blood: “…fragranced with the precious red resins that create the alluring scent known as Dragon’s Blood. It is a potent and earthy fragrance, infused with cedar wood and patchouli essential oils. The scent combines sweet and spicy notes to form a sophisticated complex blend. “
Have you already been generous to yourself this season? Well, Merry Hexmas to you! I’d love to get a nosy peek into your loot and see what I might be missing!
